Twins That Suck, Part I

Nick Punto. How is this midget still on the team? I'm pretty sure there are better hitters on the Stearns County Community College JV squad. Here's his line: Avg .228, HR 0, RBI 4, Runs 7, SB 1. Straight garbage. In contrast, Brendan Harris has put up similar runs and rbis in half the games, plus he's hitting a team leading .350 and has managed to hit a ball over the fence. I'm pretty sure Nicky Sauce hasn't hit one out of the infield. You might fall back on Punto's defense. I would call you a cocksucking faggot. Harris is just fine in the field, and right now has a better fielding percentage than the little pizano.

Dear Carlos Gomez, the season started a month ago, feel free to get going anytime. If Michael Cuddyer (who I'll get to in a future installment) and Delmon Young (see below) weren't shitting the bed so bad, this guy would have had a one-way ticket to Rochester a long time ago. I have one word for him: bunt. You're faster than shit, put the ball on the ground and make like Speedy Gonzalez towards first base. So far the only time he's gotten to showcase his speed is sprinting back to the bench after taking three derby cuts at balls in the dirt.

I'm still waiting for Delmon Young to have this breakout season everyone has been promising. Maybe he'll get there one single at a time. If it weren't for all the other outfielders not named Span having shitty starts, Delmon would have had a seat next to Gomez on that train back to Rochester. At least Gomez can play defense. This guy looks lost in the field. I'm guessing he has trouble seeing the ball because his lips get in the way. They don't inteverview guys that really suck, so I've never heard him speak, but I'm guessing he sounds a lot like Mush Mouth. "I hitta da balla reala gooda, obukaby."

Oh, you mean that swine flu...

I thought I had something pertinent to current events to post, but upon further reading the article, "swine flu" does not mean what I thought it did. If it was in fact what I initially thought it was, the above photo would have been relevant, but it turns out to be an actual virus, not what I was thinking at all...

Notcho

A letter to the Editor at the Crookston Daily Times

An ode to the Professional Softball Player, Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m the best F'n softball player you’ve ever met. Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep. I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the s**t out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me (especially not with shorts this tight). This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues, especially the Men’s League in Clearbrook. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free buckets at Crooks after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 10 bottles of Coors on the line. I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got (super bright & super tight). I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black, a few new gold chains, and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games. Softball groupies love guys who can go deep. I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs. I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep? They should have known better than to get into a league with me. This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink your ass under the table. My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players. The League starts Thursday night. I took the day off of work. Why do I take softball so seriously? f**k you. You’re just jealous

Yours truly, Wade the Blade Demarais

Local Celebrity Update

Some unfortunate news out of the April 21 edition of the Crookston Daily Times, local hockey superstar, Wade "The Blade" Demarais was arrested for third-degree DUI. While this is troubling news, don't worry folks "The Blade" was cut free from police custody on his OPR (Unlike Doc who got to spend some quality time with Booger's Native American relatives in the joint).

These Guys Fucking Suck

For the time being it looks like Craig Breslow has taken over the part of Moe. If you watched the 7th inning of tonight's game you know what I'm talking about. Liriano finally has a good outing holding the Jays to one earned run over 6 innings, leaving the game with the Twins trailing 2-1. That brings us to the 7th when Larry, Curly, and Moe all got in the game. By the time the dust settled it was 9-1 Jays. Jesus Fucking Christ this is getting old in a hurry. Even R.A. Dickey made a bid to get into the stooges club, but even his pathetic outing wasn't enough to boost him up to the top (bottom) three.

Here's a rundown of the 7th inning:

Larry Pitching
Single
Pop Out
2 Run HR
Single
Pop Out
Single

Moe Pitching
Wild Pitch
Wild Pitch
Walk
Walk

Dickey Pitching
Grand Slam
Double
Walk

Curly Pitching
Strikeout

Now looking at that you might think, hey Curly didn't do too bad tonight what the fuck. He still sucks balls and gave up a walk and a double all while lowering his ERA from 9.00 to an astonishing 7.36. He's fucking garbage and everybody knows it. Anyways, here's a look at the lines tonight for the Twins pitchers...

Liriano - 6IP, 7H, 1ER, 5K, 5.09ERA
Larry - 0.2IP, 4H, 4ER, 0K, 8.44ERA
Moe - 0.0IP, 0H, 2ER, 0K, 16.20ERA
Dickey - 0.0IP, 2H, 1ER, 0K, 5.19ERA
Curley - 1.1IP, 1H, 0ER, 1K, 7.36ERA
Crain - 1IP, 0H, 0ER, 1K, 1.59ERA

I'll do the math for you; the stooges have a combined ERA of 32.00 after 11 games. I'd also love to include the worst pitcher in the major leagues with these bums, but I'm hoping that Humber and his 12.46 ERA are going to be put on waivers in the near future and we'll never have to see him pitch for the Twins again.

Basically what I'm saying is that if the bullpen doesn't see some new faces pretty soon, it's going to be a long summer.

There is a God

From the strib: "Risebrough fired as Wild GM"

Now with him and Jacque no longer in the organization, I may actually watch a Wild game.

Vikings @ Cardinals Part II

December 6th - Let me know if you need hotel accomodations.

Congratulations!

I just wanted to take this time to congratulate myself for winning the C-Town Goons 'n' Goalies fantasy hockey league. It was a long season, and I have to say the shut out victory in the championship was well deserved. I am a great hockey mind. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Wild and Gopher Hockey Undefeated This Week

The title really has no relevance other than I felt the need to say something positive and the rest of this post is anything but that. To the game: Twice the Twins had a runner on 3rd with nobody out and failed to get him home tonight. Keep in mind they lost by 2. Let's start with the 4th inning; Cuddyer leads off with a double and scores on a Buscher triple. At this point the score is 4-2 Twins and odds are it's going to be at least 5-2 by the end of the inning. Enter Delmon Young. Three straight pitches out of the strike zone and three worthless hacks later, there's one out and Buscher is still at third. After a lineout from Morales we're left with Nicky Punto needing a hit to score a run. Needless to say he had blown his load with a hit earlier in the game and also struck out to strand numbnuts at third. Sweet. After Slowey was done staking his claim to a bullpen spot, Gardy brings in Matt "Larry" Guerrier. He was pulled before he could do much damage, but still managed to give up a walk, stolen base, and a base hit while only facing 4 batters. After Breslow came in and struckout the only batter he faced, Gardy turns to Luis "Curly" Ayala. I'm not sure where this bum came from, but he is making me hate Guerrier and Crain a little less by sucking a little more. He managed to give up 4 hits including a 2 run bomb in just an inning of work, which gave the Jays their first lead of the game at 8-6. This brings us to the 8th inning where the Twins had another golden opportunity to get back in the game. Brendan Harris led off with a double, went to third on a wild pitch and then a familiar story took place. Delmon Young looked like a one-eyed retard flailing at just about every pitch he saw on his way to his second strikeout of the game with a runner on third and nobody out. After that Crede came off the bench to strikeout and finally Punto followed suit with a strikeout to once again strand a runner at third. While Punto was batting even Dick and Bert were hoping for a wild pitch. Fucking pathetic.

A couple of other observations from the first week: Regardless of what Mauer does at the plate, they need him back and quick. I love Redmond as much as the next guy, but he can't play every day being 60 years old and this other catcher throws like Ray Swatzell and hits like Barry Altepeter. And he dropped a pop up 3 feet from home plate. Fag. The twins pitching is shit and every time they throw a pitch I envision it landing in the gap somewhere. I'm not sure if missing Mauer has anything to do with this, but I'm assuming it hasn't helped. I don't think I've seen a single Twins pitcher shake off a sign from either catcher so far this year (i drink a lot during the games so this could be innacurate) and there is no way that Morales knows dick about the majority of the hitters. I'm not sure if they're afraid they're going to offend him or if they're somehow confident in what he's calling, but whatever it is aint working. Fuck it, it's early. At least we're not Nationals fans, they suck real bad.

Nice Weekend Guys

I was going to do a Twins recap of the games this weekend, but that seems a bit unnecessary given the way the games went. They scored one run all weekend losing twice to the Sox. Done.

I heard a rumor that two Timmy's from C-town are making a push to Douggie Riseborough to take over the reins of the Wild. Seriously I think Lemaire did what he had to do with the bunch of circus midgets he had to work with, but it's probably overdue bringing in somebody else to give it a shot. Smart money is probably on one of his assistant coaches, and I wouldn't mind seeing Mario Tremblay take over. If nothing else the guy has the stones to fire pucks at goalies' throats during practice if he doesn't like them. If you need more on that just google tremblay/roy and see what you find. Roy is an assbag too, so I like this guy even more.

Hockey Time...with Joe Finley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAF1z-uAPFw

stay tough, Joe.

Fuck You Ozzie

I didn't watch the entire game tonight, mainly because I was flipping back and forth between the Wild game, the Blues/Blue Jackets, and later the Ducks/Stars game. I did manage to see the Canadian rip one to left and the Twins pour on 7 runs in one inning against them cock suckers from Chicago. Even my boy Delmon got himself a batting average tonight along with his first two RBI. Granted he did all of that with the infield pulled in, had they been at double play depth it would've no doubt been a tailor made 4-6-3. Regardless, he's on the board and now hitting a whopping .091 which is identical to Casey English at the Clearbrook tourney that one year. Now we all know if bunting was legal in slow pitch he would've been hovering around the .400 mark, but still. R.A. Dickey made his Twins debut and got the win, which in the grand scheme of things is all you really ask for out of your 5th starter. Way to go buddy.

MVP - Joe Crede

Crede hit his first homer as a Twin and I'm assuming nothing feels better than ramming it up the ass of your former team. Figuratively of course, although with that blonde hair AJ looks pretty gay and probably would really appreciate something ramming up his ass. Crede also walked twice and scored two runs so I guess that's pretty good.

Wild Update...

Wild score a season-high 8 goals in their win over Nashville tonight eliminating the A-Rod Jr's and keeping their own slim playoff hopes alive. St. Louis also won tonight securing themselves a bid and relegating the Wild hopes to Anaheim losing their remaining two games. The Ducks are tied right now with Dallas after the 2nd period and if they manage to lose in regulation tonight, they need to find a way to lose to the Coyotes tomorrow night. If the Stars take care of business I'll be heading down to the Renaisance hotel so I can get a room next to the Ducks' block. I figure 30 hookers dripping with STD's should do the trick. If not, we're going to be at the game tomorrow and I'll bring my marbles.

Well the Wild just learned why you don't leave your playoff hopes in the hands of others. The Stars managed two goals in the last 6 minutes against the Ducks, but also gave up another and are heading to OT right now, eliminating the Wild from the playoffs. In the end it's probably better that we'll get to see the Sharks piss throttle the Ducks or the Blues instead of the Wild, but it still sucks ball sack. Fuck it.

The Archives

I stumbled upon this classic today, and found it appropriate to share with all.

Enjoy!

NOTE: It is a video clip so hit the "play" button on the bottom left of the picture.

Typical Day Game

Once again, I'm too lazy to look up any actual stats, so bear with me. It seems, however, that the Twins just don't give a shit about non-televised day games. Glen Perkins tosses an 8 inning gem only to have the Twins get shutout for the first time of the year. I'd love to give the MVP to Mariners second baseman Jose Lopez, but rules are rules. Actually there are no rules, but it's gonna be a Twins player each game so whatever. He did manage to strike out his first two at bats, then grounded into double plays in his following two at bats, accounting for almost 25% of his team's outs for the game. Awesome. Another candidate would have to be the Seattle manager, whose name is chinese and who looks mexican, not positive on either, but he tried to give the Twins hope in the 9th by bringing in Brandon Morrow and his 40.50 ERA. Unfortunately not even that was enough to put the Twins on the board. Delmon Young continued his perfection at the plate going 0-3 before being lifted for a pinch hitter in the 9th. That brings his average up to .000 and my preseason prediction of him having a big year is looking sillier every time he plays. Whatever, it's Masters weekend so who cares.

MVP - Glen Perkins

Scattered 5 hits through 8 innings and got rewarded with a big steamy pile of dung. I'll assume he'll be out on the golf course smoking a fatty and will have forgotten about this game by the weekend.

1st Place!

That's right fuckers, your Minnesota Twins are in first place. I'm too lazy to look it up, but I'm willing to bet it's been quite some time since we've been able to say that. As for the game, I'm not gonna lie it was a pretty boring affair, compounded by the fact that I was stone sober. I'm sure that'll change tomorrow night when they take on the Sox, but that's neither here nor there. Span made his best case for his second straight MVP of this blog by hitting a 2 run bomb in the second inning, only to be outdone by our favorite dim-witted Canadian. More on that later. The bad news for the day is Joe Crede's two game hit streak comes crashing to a halt, just 54 games short of tying Joe DiMaggio's record that has stood for a butt load of years (68 years to be exact, see what happens when I get really bored). Also, the Crainwreck pitched a rare scoreless inning, and we're not talking rare like seeing a clean Mexican, we're talking rare like seeing Christ. This shit just doesn't happen. Kevin Slowey became the first Twins pitcher of 2009 to record a win; not that he deserved it the way he kept battling to keep Seattle in the game, but nonetheless. Nathan also found his way into the record books by recording his 1st save of the year and 200th as a Twin. Outstanding.

MVP - DERRRRR

Derr came in with a batting average of... well he didn't exactly have a batting average coming into this one. He had been 0-8 with 8 runners left on base through the first two games, until a first inning moon shot gave the Twins a 2-0 lead. On top of the big bomb, Derr also walked and hit an RBI double. Even the out he made was a laser that almost found it's way into right-center field. Nice work ya idiot.

Trivia: what year was the picture at the top of this post taken? Answer tomorrow.

"Wooh, I did not c that happening"

The title of this post is lifted word for word from a text I received minutes after the Twins game last night. Awesome. I won't put a name on here, but there's a real good chance if you're reading this that you also received the text and know who sent it out. If not, take a guess and I'll bet you're right.

As for the game itself, I'll quote another post-game text and just say "Holy fucking shit Batman!" Couldn't agree more. Let's take a look at the events that had to take place leading up to the improbable finish...

1. Matt Guerrier pitches two scoreless innings. Seriously. And he looked good doing it. You're all aware how I feel about this homo, but for this one game anyways, he was money.

2. Gardy leaves Nathan in the pen trailing by a run heading to the 9th at home. If you read my post from last night, you can pretty much guess how I felt about this decision. I'll probably expand on this at some point in the near future as I could bitch for 5 pages about this method of thinking. So we'll leave it at that.

3. Carlos Gomez. This idiot walked all of 25 times last season, yet somehow manages to eke out a two out walk in the 9th, essentially starting the rally. His comments after the game included this gem: "I still swing, but I've got a plan when I go to the plate. I look for a pitch. If he don't throw it, I don't swing." My advice to opposing pitchers; throw a lot of off speed pitches.

4. Kubel and Buscher also walk, both of them in pinch hitting roles. Twins pinch hitting has been pretty much worthless ever since LeCroy hit like 4 bombs as a pinch hitter a few years ago. I wonder what that Newquist look a like is up to these days. I'll assume he's playing softball somewhere and absolutely ripping it up.

After that, all it took was an RBI single from Span and a two run single from Casilla and the Twins were back to .500. Game is in HD tonight, so everyone should be able to count the sweat beads rolling around on Silva's fat head.

MVP - Denard Span

Span had 3 hits, two of them drove in runs, stole a base and scored a run. He's better than you are.

Is Nathan Hurt?

Why the fuck don't you bring him in to pitch the 9th down by a run? He's supposed to be your best reliever right? If you're down heading to the 9th at home there is absolutely no chance for a save right? Fuckin christ Gardy, I swear to god he won't explode if he pitches and it's not a save situation. Gay.

It's Go Time!

Well it certainly has been one fuck of a month, but things are starting to get back to normal, and along with that I think it's time to fire up this poor excuse of a blog again.

I fully intended to do a live blog of the Twins opener, but I didn't crack a beer until the first pitch and just wasn't feeling it. After watching the game it's probably a good thing because I would've gotten bored and quit typing the minute Derr bounced into that inning/comeback/rally/game - ending double play. After that the only joy I got was watching the Gurrain Train derail and put to rest any remaining hope. Guerrier managed to keep his ERA at 0.00 for the time being, even though he was on the hill for the two 9th inning runs. Ol' Crainwreck wasn't so lucky however, as he saw his ERA shoot up to 13.50 where it should remain for the duration of the season. Here's hoping that was the last time we see either of those mental patients pitch in a meaningful situation this year. I realize that is certainly not the case, but it gives me something to hope for anyways. Fuck.

MVP - Mike Redmond

It seems like every game he gets his ass battered worse than Skippy in prison, and yet he never comes out of a game. He's either really tough or really dumb, neither of which would surprise me. And on top of taking a broken bat to the head last night, he still had the Twins' only extra base hit and scored the only run. That fucker is alright in my book. Well, I don't really have a book, but if I did he'd be on the cover.