C-Town Bowling Bloggers Team takes last place

Ok, this is just too easy.
Going left to right: Jake Fee, Doc, Skippy (the early years), Buchmaier, Melsh, Sam, Fee standing behind him & it looks like a Reese...they all look the same anyways, so I don't know which one it is.

Thanks Melsh

Knowing nobody in C-Town would be able to watch the Gophers vs Denver game Saturday night due to Melsh's wedding, FSN has decided not to televise the game until Sunday afternoon. Apparently the producers heard that all 14 TVs in the Gopher Hole would be silent Saturday and televising live wasn't going to be cost-effective. Also might have something to do with a Wild game, but that hasn't been confirmed as of yet.

I've never had a good experience with the whole tape delayed aspect, somebody always spills the beans or I'll get impatient and just look online for the score. Regardless, the game will be shown pretty much right after the Vikes game Sunday. Should make for a good time nursing a hangover.

On The Board

Gophers find a way to put points on the scoreboard and a point in the standings to salvage a bit of dignity out of an overall pathetic weekend in GF. Tony Lucia is the most untalented captain I can remember for the Gophs. Nick Leddy looks like Nick Bergan. Aaron Ness looked like Aaron Amiot. Not a very optimistic weekend overall. At least I'm hammered and probably won't remember much of it tomorrow. On a positive note, the Gophs appear to have 2 solid options in goal this year, although I'd be more excited if Russel had another year of eligibility. Speaking of Russel, NHL.com is reporting that his contract was extended today. Way to go buddy. And one last thing, according to my computer it's 88 degrees out right now. And it's almost 8pm. Suck it.

Fuckin Gross

Lucia better come out of the locker room with a limp from kicking so many asses. I haven't seen hockey this pathetic since 1997 when the C-Town JV team was led by Dougie J. Sad.

#8 Gophers vs #4 North Dakota

Usually by the time these teams meet we've all had a few games to figure out who's going to have the upperhand in C-Town's most heated rivalry I can think of. This year, however, this game is going to mark the first time many of us have seen any college hockey for about 6 months. None of that matters though, there isn't a team in all of sports that I hate more than the fucking Sioux. Honestly I'm having a hard time looking at that fucking indian head at the top of this post as I'm typing this, just makes me wanna puke.

I'm aware that in the cities and on campus the Badgers are probably a bigger rival for the Gophs in all sports, but up north it doesn't get any bigger than this one. Unless your name is Skippy, you're either a Sioux fan or a Gopher fan. There's no other options. And we all know Skippy just likes to cheer for the flashing red light after anybody scores a goal, especially Colorado College for some reason. What a fag.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that if Melsh had scheduled his wedding a week earlier, there would've been an intermission so everybody could gather at the bar and watch the game.

Being that the games this weekend are in Grand Forks, I'm assuming that some of you a-holes are going to make the trip across the border and take in the game(s) first hand. I fully expect a barrage of F-Bombs which lead to moms and their children covering their ears and possibly shedding a few tears.

Also, if anybody takes part in a pre-game drink or 10 at Suite 49, it's a well known fact that paying your tab is unnecessary. Simply drink as much as possible, when you're ready to go order another round and when the waiter walks away, follow him up and head for the parking lot. Once there, you'll need to dip and dive behind cars while crossing the parking lot and head for the Ralph. Really quite simple. You're welcome. Also, Indian children are born alcoholics. See example to the right.

That's about all I got for now, should be a fun week leading up to the games this weekend. I'm counting on Russel to get his shit together and put together some sort of series preview with stats and all that shit, and being that it's only Tuesday there's a good chance it's already on tap. Stay tuned.

Nice Work 8

Fitting end to the season. The little engine that could tried just a little too hard. Of all the times the retarded midget slides head first into a base for no apparent reason, why did he have to round it this time? Fucking idiot. And I edited that picture when I was hammered. Still pretty sweet, but a little Skippyish looking. You get the point though. Thanks to Russel for sending me the material. I'll try to do better next time.

Twins vs Yankees Game 3

You know how they always do the Madden simulation before the Super Bowl and end up picking the winner like 90% of the time? Well they do. So I decided it was on me to do the same for game 3 of this series. The most up to date baseball game I own is Baseball Stars for NES, and I'm thinking this will do the job just fine. As you can see below, things turn out alright for the home team. After a slow start, the Twins rattled off 34 runs in the 5th inning before depleting the Yankees bullpen to the point of surrender. The two hits collected by the Yankees were singles that landed in the stands behind the Twins dugout, yet somehow ruled fair by umpire Phil Cuzzi. Also Nick Punto had an error, that dumb motherfucker. Short of the Yankees plane crashing on the way to Minnesota tonight, I can't think of a better result. Stay tuned for the game 4 simulation.

Phil Cuzzi Can Lick My Butthole

You've got one fucking job to do all night. Watch the game and if a ball lands on one side of the white line near you, point towards the field. If it lands outside that same line, hold both your faggy fucking hands up. There is absolutely no fucking excuse for missing that call when the ball lands less than 10 fucking feet from your face. If I ever see you in person I will twist off your head and spike it onto the floor of a nightmare you can't even imagine. Your children are in immediate and unbelievable danger. Fuck you, you fucking piece of monkey shit. Oh yeah, Joe Nathan, you're in the same fucking boat. You fucking fucker. Go fuck yourself.

Twins vs Yankees

We all know New York isn't invincible. Remember them Twin Towers? They went down just like any building in any city. Time to go Al Queda on their asses.

Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

I figured Doc would have written something about the Twins by now, but apparently he is too busy traumatizing the youth of Arizona. I know that's important, but you've got to prioritize. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the Twins/Yankees series. The Twins suck and we all know it. The only reason they are even in the playoffs is because they play in the major league equivalent to Section 4. You think Fergus went to all those state tournaments in hockey because they were good? Fuck no, it was because they had to beat the deaf and the blind to get there.

Any team that features Robbie Ringstad at second and Corky from Life Goes On at third has no shot. If those two gotards are the best options it says a lot. Believe it or not, Morneau's injury has fucked up the outfield more than the infield. With Cuddy moving to first we are left with two of the slowest corner outfielders ever. You might as well have me and Hoover out there holding down the fort. Not only that, with Kubel having to play the field that leaves Brendan Harris to DH. Wait, what? Brendan Harris? Brendan fucking Harris? You've got to be kidding me. You could argue that Jose 'Eddy Munster' Morales might be a better option, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't made contact in 3 weeks. Don't even get me started on the pitching. To sum up, they're horsehit covered in dog vomit.

While I'm on the topic of shitty sports teams, I'd like to throw out a tip to the Wild: It's a lot easier to win games if you don't spot the other team 3 goals.

On another note, 30 years and 9 months ago Tom and Moan got it on. Nine months later, Moan gave birth to a lovely baby moose. Happy birthday, Skipper.

Edit: I was able to track down a picture of how Skipper plans to celebrate his birthday.

Holy Shit Balls

Bobby Keppel gets a win, Carlos Gomez gets a hit and scores the winning run on a hit by Alexi Casilla. Yeah, good one asshole. There is no possible way that any of those three things can possibly happen. Ever. Especially not in the same game. And yet on my tv right now some idiots wearing twins shit are pouring champagne and beer on each other. Probably the best Twins game I've ever seen, if you can think of one better let me know. Also, Orlando Cabrera must smoke crack on the bench. That ADHD motherfucker was bouncing around like crazy when trying to give an interview. Awesome stuff.

Ok, enough with the praise for this team. We might as well stick with what worked the last month, giving up hope and counting them out.

I'll guarantee they're on vacation in a week. I'll call scores of 17-0, 13-2, and 8-5 all favoring the Yankees. It's been fun, but they might as well just stay at the dome and get hammered all night because it really won't matter come tomorrow.

Also, I know those aren't actual shit balls at the top, but the pictures that popped up when I searched for "balls of shit" were pretty disturbing. We'll go with this one.

I like where he's going with this...

Well Color Me Fucked

Not sure what that means either, but your Minnesota Twins are now tied for first place. For the first time this season (not technically, but the first time you would actually say it) the Twins control their own destiny. Win out and they're in the playoffs. Whether that means another Tigers loss tomorrow and an outright division win or a play-in game Tuesday, they're finally in the driver's seat. Two weeks ago I would've bet my right nut that they wouldn't make the postseason, Two days ago I would've done the same. Hell, 8 hours ago, same bet and I'm in. Unreal. Depending on how tonight goes and how hungover I am tomorrow, there may or may not be some live updates on here. Not that anybody gives a rat's ass, but it keeps me busy.

Oh yeah, the Wild lost 2-1 to kick off the Todd Richards era. Didn't watch much of it as I was more into the Tigers-Sox game, but Andrew Brunette got the lone Wild goal. During the time that I did tune in, the Jackets' announcer guy made sure everybody knew that Mason won the Calder trophy last season. He honestly mentioned it at least 5 times that I heard in very limited viewing. Didn't get the Wild feed if you were wondering. Live in the now buddy.

Must Win (Again)

Blackburn vs Greinke. Blackburn on 3 days rest. Not a bad thing for a sinkerballer. And I'm already hammered. Can't remember the last time I saw the Twins wear the throwbacks. Need some baby blue in there.

Quick and tidy first inning for Blackie, it'd be nice to get something, anything against Greinke early. Maybe a liner up the middle off his pitching hand. Let's go with that, just enough to hurt him a little.

God his numbers are good. If he pitched for anybody other than the Royals you can pencil him in for 20 wins. And in the time it took me to type that sentence, there's two outs. Now don't get me wrong, it took me a lot longer to type that than it should've, but fuck. "This is the matchup of the afternoon" says FOX commentator guy as Mauer comes up. Not sure who he is, but Bert is doing the color commentary so we still have the chance of some F-Bombs on the air today. Beer me.

Perfect game gone with a walk to Mauer. They just showed Punto on the bench and I'm pretty sure he just woke up an hour ago and didn't have time to shower/comb his hair before the game. Ok, that was a little gay, but he looks like I do on a Sunday afternoon. Not good. End of 1, 0-0.

Anybody else think Ralph Englestad had something do with with the construction of the Dome?

Nice and quick 2nd for Blackburn, probably hovering around 25 pitches through 2 which is a good sign early.

I have to believe that nobody took me up on my "take Greinke to the Vu" campaign last night, so the Twins are going to have to find a way to hit this fucker. Not to mention he's painting the outside corner at 96 on a consistent basis and dropping off-spead pitches just on the other side of home plate. Blackburn is going to need a gem to give the Twins a chance, I'll say this one will end up 1-0 or 2-1.

Oh yeah, Blackburn looks good with the scruff, but he needs to shave it all off except the stache and really creep out some hitters. Get 'em in their fucking minds.

I wonder how many people went from the Gophers football game straight to the Twins game.

Punto up. Fag. K. Weird.

Honestly, so far this is pretty close to exactly what the Twins wanted with a scoreless game through 3. The only problem is Greinke has only thrown around 40 pitches which is not good by any means.

Blackburn just got two more outs on probably 3 pitches with fat Billy Butler coming up. God I hate him. And he scares me. And he's not really that fat, but really gay. He'd probably like Punto.

12 up, 12 down for Blackie. Twins need to get something going this inning. Cabrera, Mauer, and Kubel coming up. Not quite the same as Hann, Melbye, Hann; but it'll do.

Kubel just struck out on a fastball that was derby worthy. fuck fuck fuck.

Cuddy lookin like a RH Jacques Jones again.

Buttfucker Teahen bunts two homos into scoring position, Blackie gets a HUGE ground ball to get the second out and keep the runners on 2nd and 3rd. Needs one more out here. If they score here, I'll make sure to piss on Teahen's house next time I go over there. If you didn't hear, last time I was over there I peed on his car and stole two of his bats. Classy.

HUGE out there. Bottom 5 and still 0-0. Need to scratch out a run girls.

Delmon leads off with a single, you have got to bunt with Morales here.

Or not. What the shit? Gay. I get it with Tolbert and Punto coming up why you might not bunt, but if that's the case why are either of those fuck bags in the game at all? 0-0 in the 5th, lay that bunt down and pray for a hit out of one of those retards.

Gardy is a homo. Instead of having Morales bunt, he decides to put on a hit and run with Tolbert. Yeah, THAT tolbert. Jesus fucking Christ. Delmon is thrown out by 3 feet and the 5th inning ends still scoreless. And Punto is leading off the 6th. I honestly think Jehovah Jeff could manage a better game than Gardy.

Thinking about that inning more, how in the fuck do you not bunt? A classic pitchers dual going on, a total of 4 hits in the game, you have to play for one run right? Bunt that fucker over and take your chances. Idiot.

Bottom 6, leadoff hitter walks, no different opinion here as Span comes up with dipshit on first. bunt him over, take your chances.

Holy shit. Nice work. Cabrera and Mauer coming up and if one of them gets a hit the Twins have a lead.

Two outs and Mauer up with a runner on 3rd. Earn your MVP fucker.

JOE JOE!

1-0 Twins, bottom 6. All attention turns to Blackburn and shutting down the fucking Royals.

Kubel with a ground rule double, but RH Jacques Jones is up. And he gets hit. Bases loaded with Delmon up. Two nights in a row?

Not quite, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT a double off the baggy! 4-0 Twins. giggity giggity

Enter Mijares, and exit lead. I'm gonna go ahead and call for a conspiracy theory after Mijares was outed for throwing behind Everett Thursday. Last night he came in and gave up 2 runs (neither of them charged to him, but still shitty) and tonight he gives up a big dinger and gives up the lead. Silly fat Mexican.

CUDDYER! Holy shit balls again. 5-4 Twins, Nathan warming (probably) bottom 8. Finish this off and put the pressure on the Tiggers. Which I'll be watching and probably commenting about on here. Also Wild open up tonight. Good times.

And we're heading to the 9th, Twins up a run.

Span makes a beauty of a catch, Nathan ends it. 1/2 game back. Fuck you Tigers.

Why Not

I had a post ready to roll for the Gophers vs Badgers foosball game, but forgot to actually post it. Now that it's over and the Gophs got beat again, fuck it I'm not even going to put it up. I was pretty confident the Gophs would get a win, didn't think Weber would poopie in the bed and essentially lose the game single handedly. The O line was pathetic late in the game as well and it was a pretty disappointing loss, but honestly nobody can be too surprised at the outcome.

The day is still young with the Twins and Wild on tap. Twins face Greinke in once again the biggest game of the year. Wild have the Jackets for their season opener. Even though I've thrown in the towel on the Twins multiple times this year, it's impossible not to get dragged back in to the possibility of playoff baseball in Minny. If the Twins can pull out a win today, you have to think the Tigers will feel the pressure tonight against the Sox and things could get interesting. Knowing Verlander is available to pitch tomorrow if needed, my mind says anything less than a win today coupled with a Tigers loss ends the season for the Twins. I've said this before and won't make the mistake of giving up on the Twins until somebody's magic number reaches 0, but I'm confident they need a big day on both sides to stay alive. I've also been drinking since the Gophers kickoff and have used the delete key probably 300 times during this post to fix random drunken mistakes. None of this matters, as for the first time this season I get to watch the Twins on FOX on a Saturday afternoon and plan a sweet drunken live blog to mark the occasion. I put in a request to have someone take Greinke to the Vu last night and load him up with shots and strippers, but only time will tell if that actually happened. Game time. The fucking Royals. Fuck.

Is That a Young Beav?

It Could Have Been Worse

Nut job Delmon Young almost started a fight with his own teammate yesterday. Makes a lot of sense. Good thing Mijares wasn't wearing a chest protector or Delmon might have chucked his bat at him.



By the way, how has this video not been posted on here before?

Oh Joe

Video quality has a little "Blair Witch" to it, but still good stuff. Twins players denied it and pretty much called the guy who made the video an idiot, regardless it's still funny.