This turned out to be waaaaaay too much work...

So as the current leader in the club house in “wow they have really let themselves go since playing (insert high school/middle school sport here)” , I felt obligated to give you my All-Metrodome Team. This is a team of guys that when you see them now, it’s a double take and, “No. That really can’t be him? Wow, what the hell happened to him?” Also, this is a fitting list for those who affectionately call each other, “Tons of Fun” “Skiddles” “Fat Boy” “Tubby” “Fat Ass” “Skidder” “Chocolates” “Skippy” “Slim” and any other fat appropriate names. And without any further wastes of key strokes, here’s the All- Oh My God He Got Fat All-Metrodome Team.

Kent Hrbek—1st Base
Ok, his rookie stats say that he weighed 200 pounds. Uh huh. Here he looks like John Candy in the Great Outdoors.

Al Newman—2^nd BaseI really don’t think the “after” picture gives much justice to just his level of obvious indulgence.

Cristian Guzman—SSI get it, he’s not that fat now, but compared to the awkwardly skinny kid he was when he started with the Twins, yeah, you’re fat.

Scott Leius—3^rd Base

And just because: Is that Tom Hunt?

Tim Laudner—CatcherYou doubled in size, screw you, you’re fat too.

Marty Cordova—OF I guess that could have been Widman too?

Matt Lawton—OF Skinny punk to semi-fat? Still has the label fat in it, fat boy.

Mickey Hatcher—OF

Notable omission: Kirby. Yeah, he got fat after the fact, but he’s still Puck and I still like him, too much to put him in here. RIP Puck aka “Fat Little Shit”—Noella Melbye

Juan Berenguer—RPSenior Smoke must have been up to something…something near 350 after he finished. Mexican food is damn good if done right, so I’ll give him that.

Eddie Guardado –RP

Everyday Eddie filled out his uniform more and more as his career continued on…and still does today.

Frank Viola—SP

Nobody “rounds out” the staff like Sweet Music. Really, really rounds it.

Note to Ron Gardenhire - Part II

Hey fuckbag, I hate you. A few suggestions to ponder as this season wears on...
1. Quit playing Nick Punto. He is a waste of fucking space. Enough said.

2. Quit hitting Matt Tolbert in the 2-hole. His average is actually lower than Punto's, yet he continues to hit between your two best hitters every fucking game. Hit him 8th and preferably on a rotating basis with dipshit from #1. Maybe one of them will have a sudden realization as to the desired outcome in baseball and get on base once in a while. When you have 3 middle infielders and 2 of them are hitting below .200, rotate them while keeping the one hitting .300 in the lineup. I know this is complicated, but if you'd like to sit down and talk I'll explain the difference between 200 and 300. Here's a hint, it's about 100.

I have to interrupt this post as Gomez is trying to argue with Texiera right now. Texiera looks to be giving it to him pretty good, and from the looks of it all Gomez could muster up to say was "Shut up!" If you've ever heard him give an interview after a game, you know he's not the most well-spoken person in the world, and I'm sure he was confused as hell and probably a little scared. Regardless, it was hilarious.

3. Quit pulling your starting pitchers when they approach 100 pitches. There is absolutely no proof that a pitcher will explode upon throwing that many pitches. You must realize that your bullpen consists of a pack of idiots who struggle to get anybody out these days and adjust accordingly.

4. Quit. Just quit. Walk away. Maybe get a job with the media, they seem to love you for some reason. You fucking dirtball faggot. I hate you.

I have a new hero...

From Down with Goldy:

Anyway, Brenden Harris has been bangin some UofM chick for a while now and when he does, insists that the doors be open so all the girls in her house can hear it (classy if you ask me).

Moving on, he's wanted and has been pressuring her like hell to have a three some with some other chick in the house. Well apparently this all came to a head last weekend (or two), said chick broke down whilst wasted, calling the cops etc etc. Harris now has a restraining order against that entire house. Or so he says.

God I love baseball!

I need another drink.

How this guy doesn't start everyday is beyond me. Punto's a fag. And a Communist. And part of the Taliban. Team America needs to fuck him up, mannequin style.

It's Thunder Alright

From the Forum website: "Nickname supporters in the Standing Rock Sioux tribe are seeking a referendum there but many tribal leaders are opposed to it. Chairman Ron His Horse is Thunder said he believes they wouldn’t issue a resolution of support even if their members did vote for the nickname." Fucking Awesome.

The Hangover

This movie may end up overhyped, but how can you not give 2 thumbs up to a movie that has a trailer featuring Mike Tyson singing Phil Collins?

Untitled Post

It's not very often the Twins experience victory after a Baker Blowup. These outings usually start with Baker flirting with a perfect game for 3-4 innings, then coming completely unraveled in a matter of minutes only to find himself being pulled down about 5 runs. A few innings later the bullpen has expanded the lead to a comfortable 8 or 9 and except for a 2 out solo homer for Cuddyer in the 9th, the game is over. Enter the Tigers. They somehow found a way to get the Twins bullpen two consecutive wins, an accomplishment that probably won't happen again this season. Bravo idiots.

Side Note: Everyone's favorite pole smoker went 0-3 today, 0-6 in the series, and is now comfortably below the Punto Line with a .193 batting average. I'm starting to feel bad for the little sprite, it's almost as if Gardy refuses to just let him walk away and get back to racing horses. I found this picture of him the other day. He just looks so happy

They were warned

The best part is when the ass-hat running the camera says, "The same thing happened yesterday, too."

Another one of C-Town's Finest

Man convicted of rape now living in north Fargo FARGO – A former Horace, N.D., man convicted of rape has moved to the area.
By: Brittany Lawonn, INFORUM

FARGO – A former Horace, N.D., man convicted of rape has moved to the area.
Adalpe Leal recently completed a five-year sentence for raping two girls in May 2004 while they babysat his girlfriend’s 6-month-old child. Prosecutors are trying to revoke Leal’s probation because he failed to complete sex offender treatment while in prison.
A hearing in the matter has been set for June 15.
Leal is currently living at 1315 1st. Ave. N. Apt. 6, according to a news release.
Leal is considered a high-risk offender and must register for life. He also has prior convictions for a 2004 sexual assault of a 17-year-old female in Cass County and a 1996 sexual assault in Pennington County, Minn., involving a female acquaintance under 15, the release said.
Tags: courts and crime, sexual predator, sexual assault, news, fargo, rape

Nice work Bean Dip.

Not Only Is He Terrible at Baseball....

But he's also a flaming homosexual. A simple pat on the ass is ok, I'm sure Joe has a sweet can. However, when you can almost see ass flesh creeping out between fingers and you're staring at

it with that look on your face, wow. I don't have video, but after 3.5 seconds Joe forcefully removed his hand and punched him in the ear.

Basketball is Stupid

So let's see.... Black girls vs weird religious chicks wearing dresses. Yeah that sounds fair.

Video Problems

Am I the only one who can't view the videos?

Or is this like the story about the emporer and his new clothes...

I fucking hate this man!!!!

Fuck you "Gardy"

This man could do just as good a job as "Gardy" a.k.a Shit for brains.

Thank God

Little Nicky is back in the lineup today, sure to rescue the team from their slump. Wait, whats that? You're saying the two games without him in the lineup they put up 20 runs? Cock suckers.

Ovie

If he is asking a question, my answer is YES.

Denny Hocking or Jason Denny from NAPA

I couldn't help but to tinkle a little in my pants when Doc made a reference to my boy Denny. Although he was no Jason Denny wearing tight baseball pants crushing softballs before crushing beers in the parking lot with the fellas back in ctown on Monday nights, smelling like a turd covered in burnt hair, he was still one gifted individual.

I wonder if she's single...

CLEVELAND - The woman who had the nation's first face transplant says it was the smell of soap that made her realize her new face was working.
Connie Culp also says she still thinks about how she looked before her husband shot her in a failed murder-suicide in 2004.

In an interview Friday with ABC's "Good Morning America," the 46-year-old Unionport, Ohio, woman said she forgives her husband, who went to prison for seven years. The blast shattered her nose, cheeks, the roof of her mouth and an eye.
Culp says she now feels great walking down the street.

She came forward this week at a news conference at the Cleveland Clinic, where doctors in December replaced 80 percent of her face with bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from a woman who had died. -AP

Just when you think your life sucks, think of this lady and everything will seem fine. Yeah, it's mean, but it makes me laugh and I'm going to hell anyway.

It Could Be Worse...

Well the last two games for the Twins really were depressing. A piss pounding at the hands of the Tigers, then getting beat in a rain "shortened" game last night. That shortened game lasted about 5 hours, although much of it was spent watching poker during the various rain delays. Also, I had this post just about ready to roll out yesterday, then this bitch who teaches next door had to leave school for some reason and you know who got stuck covering her class. So if any of this first part doesn't make sense, get over it. It was relevent yesterday.

Time for a little positivity. Yeah I know, not the route I usually take after a crushing defeat like that one. I was thinking about the Twins' next game against Baltimore, and how the Orioles are already 8 games back of the division leader in the East and have yet to play 30 games. As if that isn't bad enough, when they look up in the standings they're staring straight at the defending AL champions, above them sits the evil empire, one step higher brings them to the Red Sox, and alone on top of the division is the Jays. Good luck with that. Their season is, for all intents and purposes, over. On May 6th. Thanks for stopping by.

That got me to thinking; how bad could it possibly get for the Twins? Hopefully we won't find out this year, as I see them toiling along in the middle of the Central, maybe making a run for the division later in the year, but more likely ending somewhere around .500 and in 3rd or 4th place. Anyways, back to what could have been.

My inspiration for this little project came when watching the game last week and Dave St. Peter was being interviewed about the all-time Metrodome team. If you're not familiar with this, it's on the interweb at twinsbaseball.com and you just pick guys from each position who played for the Twins between 1982 and today. So simple a Skippy could do it. The first thing that tipped me off that this was going to be a bad idea was when they mentioned Ron Coomer on the ballot. I realize Coom-Dog (not sure if thats his real nickname, but thats what Bert calls him when he's drunk) was an all-star one year, but that was due to the rule that each MLB team has to be represented at the all-star game. Needless to say, Coom-Dog didn't make my all-time Metrodome team. Neither did Roy Smalley, Todd Walker, Pat Meares, Mike Pagliarulo, or Matt Lawton. All these names are on the ballot for all-time Metrodome team, really skimming the bottom of the barrel with some of them.

Regardless, I'm not picking a good team. I'm trying to find a group of the absolute worst players ever to walk down the 300 steps into the home dugout at the Metrodome. Each of these guys was, at one point, the absolute best option the Twins had. Remember that when you check out the lineup. I repeat, each of these players was the best option the Twins had in their organization to put on the field for a major league baseball game. My criteria was only that they needed to have at least 100 at bats for the Twins, and only games played at the position in question came into play. Take for instance Al Newman. Newman had a solid run as a Twin; two world series championships, batted .248 as a second baseman. Unfortunately, his numbers while playing shortstop for the Twins weren't very good. He had enough at bats to qualify at short, and wouldn't you know it, he made the starting lineup. I also granted special consideration to my favorite little homosexual midget on this year's team. He wasn't the worst, but I fucking despise him so he made the team. Don't get me wrong, he more than fits in with this bunch of rejects, and would probably be first off the bench even if I didn't give him preferred treatment, but it's really irrelevent at this point.

So, without any further bullshitting, here's my Metrodome All-Embarassment Team...

Now I'd be more than happy to defend/argue any of these selections after a 30 pack of Nattys, but after the stats I'm going to throw on here, there shouldn't be any need. That is, unless you're one of those faggy types and have a crush on Nick Punto, in which case you are dead to me and your arguments mean nothing. Keep in mind all of these stats have been adjusted to reflect a full 162 game season.

2B Nick Punto 2004 - Current
.241BA 6HR 41RBI

Yup, he's worthless. And gay. And if you look at the picture, you can see what looks like the word "sucks" on his jacket. Only fitting. God I hate him.

RF David McCarty 1993 - 1995
.214BA 3HR 35RBI

I vaguely remember this guy playing. He also spent some time at first base where he also sucked. There aren't too many pictures of this prize out there, and not a single one with the Twins. Probably for the better.


LF Rondell White 2006 - 2007
.174BA 17HR 85RBI

Trust me, that's a picture of him. He always looked to me like a floating jersey on TV. He played before HD which probably explains that. I'm not sure how he made it two years with the team, but he did. And it was ugly.

DH Craig Monroe 2008
.202BA 22HR 81RBI

This picture pretty much sums up his time in Minnesota. Could've, should've, would've. Close, but not quite. Seemed like everytime he came to the dome for a series against the Twins, he was good for 4 hits and about 6 RBI. Then he switched dugouts and was lucky to put up those numbers in a month. Fuckin fag.

C Matt LeCroy 2000 - 2005, 2007
.171BA 13HR 44RBI

After spending 5 years with the Twins, he went over to the Nationals in 2006 and picked up a whopping 16 hits, and it was then that the Twins just knew they had to have him back. And don't forget while he was over in Washington piling up those hits, he was also allowing 7 stolen bases in one game. Yeah, it was a record. And he was pulled in the middle of the inning. Total package this guy. What's that saying about letting something go and if it comes back.... oh yeah he's fat and looks like Newquist.

1B Dan Masteller 1995
.237BA 7HR 48RBI

Not really sure who this guy is, but apparently he played a bunch of games with the Twins one year and really racked up the hits. This is the only picture I could find of him, which says a lot in itself. But wait! Look closely at that picture. He's playing for the Buzz! This can only mean one thing, after playing in the majors for one season, he went on to become a movie star! Major League 3 - Back to the Minors! Holy shit balls. I wonder if he knows Scott Bakula in real life. Either way, he's now sweet.


3B Terry Tiffee 2004 - 2006
.226BA 9HR 52 RBI

I remember this guy for sure, and I'm putting my money on him being a full fledged lesbian. Your name is Terry and you look like a chinese woman? hmmmm.... yup, lesbian. And if you are the proud owner of this autographed Terry Tiffee card, you're looking at a cool $0.28, I looked it up. Cha-Ching!

SS Al Newman 1987 - 1991
.208BA 0HR 34RBI

I loved watching him dodge line drives in the 3rd base coaches box. And by dodge, of course I mean taking one step, falling down, and rolling around on the ground. Don't really remember seeing him play much, although he reminds me of a black Denny Hocking type. This picture is from back in his playing days, and holy shit did he let himself go when he hung it up.

CF Chris Latham 1997 - 1999
.152BA 3HR 23RBI

Another guy I don't remember seeing play, but with those numbers, how can I keep him off the team. Batting 9th in the order is always something to behold, but when you bat 9th in this lineup, holy shit. Keep in mind once again these numbers are projected over 162 games. It's no wonder that when I searched for a picture of him all that turned up was a bunch of rugby shots. I have no idea if that's the same Chris Latham that played for the Twins, but either way, he was one bad baseball player.


So there you have it, the worst of the worst the Twins ever had to offer. Don't bother looking up the stats, they're legit. And they're listed below.

Top 10 MLB Managers

Just days after reading Doc's rant on Gardy (which I agree with), I stumbled across this article by Jon Heyman of Sports Illustrated.

I am posting this because I think it is time for sports writers to start getting death threats again.

Here is the link:
Heyman's top 10 Managers

Here is Heyman's list of top 10 MLB Managers:
1. Tony La Russa, Cardinals
2. Mike Scioscia, Angels
3. Terry Francona, Red Sox
4. Joe Torre, Dodgers
5. Ron Gardenhire, Twins
6. Cito Gaston, Blue Jays
7. Ozzie Guillen, White Sox
8. Charlie Manuel, Phillies
9. Joe Maddon, Rays
10. Lou Piniella, Cubs

I'd do him...

Twins That Suck, Part II

I guess this post really could be called "Twins that suck right now, but have a legitimate chance of having a good season, unlike the bums from Part I", but that's just too long.

Joe Crede better get it together soon or the one off-season move the Twins made could be a huge bust. He has shown glimpses of the power and clutch hitting he was signed for, he just needs to start doing it on a more consistent basis. At least he has been solid in the field. If he doesn't get it turned around soon we could see a lot more of Brian Bouscher playing third and that is a truly scary thought.

Alexi Casilla, you are not a switch hitter, just go up there and hit lefty all the time. You'll still probably suck, but you might make contact. Maybe. Fortunately for Casilla, Matt Tolbert is playing like Patrick Schaumberg in AAA, so it looks like we will be seeing Casilla spitting through the gap in his front teeth like Skid for some time to come. I don't know what else to say, but this guy better get his average up soon so we have the option of putting the Italian Stallion on the bench.

Michael Cuddyer is also off to a slow start and has gained the ire of our own Doc. But to put him in the same category as Punto is just wrong. Due to my extreme laziness, it took long enough to put Part II together that Cuddy has had enough time to put a couple good games together. Hopefully the trend continues and we can avoid a Jason Pridie call-up.

Note to Ron Gardenhire:

We get it. You like getting your dick sucked. And you wish to continue receiving this treatment from such players as #5 and #8 and apparently a good portion of the bullpen. I guarantee you could find this service elsewhere and at the same time win some ballgames. When the two above mentioned players are battling to keep their batting averages over the Punto Line, yet play every fucking day, something is amiss. Even that homo Brendan Harris is batting like .350 or some shit and yet he sees time once a week. Also, if a professional ballplayer not named Rick Vaughn walks the bases loaded at any point, let alone extra innings, he should no longer have a position on a major league team. Really Sad. Thank God I was golfing during the game and too drunk to figure out how to work the DVR when I got home, because that is fucking pathetic. I hope somebody kicks #8 in the ass when he's blowing you and he bites your dick off so you are no longer tempted to keep playing these "special" members of your team. In closing; you're a horrible manager and nobody likes you. Please leave now. You're making Chili look intelligent at this point and that's extremely embarrasing, not to mention hard to do. Fuck you. Bye.

What the Fuck?

http://www.worldsuperheroregistry.com/world_superhero_registry_gallery.htm

I don't really get it, but it's funny. And there's a picture of Skipper. Apparently he goes by the name "Superbarrio".

Twins That Suck, Part I

Nick Punto. How is this midget still on the team? I'm pretty sure there are better hitters on the Stearns County Community College JV squad. Here's his line: Avg .228, HR 0, RBI 4, Runs 7, SB 1. Straight garbage. In contrast, Brendan Harris has put up similar runs and rbis in half the games, plus he's hitting a team leading .350 and has managed to hit a ball over the fence. I'm pretty sure Nicky Sauce hasn't hit one out of the infield. You might fall back on Punto's defense. I would call you a cocksucking faggot. Harris is just fine in the field, and right now has a better fielding percentage than the little pizano.

Dear Carlos Gomez, the season started a month ago, feel free to get going anytime. If Michael Cuddyer (who I'll get to in a future installment) and Delmon Young (see below) weren't shitting the bed so bad, this guy would have had a one-way ticket to Rochester a long time ago. I have one word for him: bunt. You're faster than shit, put the ball on the ground and make like Speedy Gonzalez towards first base. So far the only time he's gotten to showcase his speed is sprinting back to the bench after taking three derby cuts at balls in the dirt.

I'm still waiting for Delmon Young to have this breakout season everyone has been promising. Maybe he'll get there one single at a time. If it weren't for all the other outfielders not named Span having shitty starts, Delmon would have had a seat next to Gomez on that train back to Rochester. At least Gomez can play defense. This guy looks lost in the field. I'm guessing he has trouble seeing the ball because his lips get in the way. They don't inteverview guys that really suck, so I've never heard him speak, but I'm guessing he sounds a lot like Mush Mouth. "I hitta da balla reala gooda, obukaby."

Oh, you mean that swine flu...

I thought I had something pertinent to current events to post, but upon further reading the article, "swine flu" does not mean what I thought it did. If it was in fact what I initially thought it was, the above photo would have been relevant, but it turns out to be an actual virus, not what I was thinking at all...

Notcho

A letter to the Editor at the Crookston Daily Times

An ode to the Professional Softball Player, Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m the best F'n softball player you’ve ever met. Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep. I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the s**t out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me (especially not with shorts this tight). This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues, especially the Men’s League in Clearbrook. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free buckets at Crooks after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 10 bottles of Coors on the line. I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got (super bright & super tight). I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black, a few new gold chains, and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games. Softball groupies love guys who can go deep. I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs. I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep? They should have known better than to get into a league with me. This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink your ass under the table. My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players. The League starts Thursday night. I took the day off of work. Why do I take softball so seriously? f**k you. You’re just jealous

Yours truly, Wade the Blade Demarais

Local Celebrity Update

Some unfortunate news out of the April 21 edition of the Crookston Daily Times, local hockey superstar, Wade "The Blade" Demarais was arrested for third-degree DUI. While this is troubling news, don't worry folks "The Blade" was cut free from police custody on his OPR (Unlike Doc who got to spend some quality time with Booger's Native American relatives in the joint).

These Guys Fucking Suck

For the time being it looks like Craig Breslow has taken over the part of Moe. If you watched the 7th inning of tonight's game you know what I'm talking about. Liriano finally has a good outing holding the Jays to one earned run over 6 innings, leaving the game with the Twins trailing 2-1. That brings us to the 7th when Larry, Curly, and Moe all got in the game. By the time the dust settled it was 9-1 Jays. Jesus Fucking Christ this is getting old in a hurry. Even R.A. Dickey made a bid to get into the stooges club, but even his pathetic outing wasn't enough to boost him up to the top (bottom) three.

Here's a rundown of the 7th inning:

Larry Pitching
Single
Pop Out
2 Run HR
Single
Pop Out
Single

Moe Pitching
Wild Pitch
Wild Pitch
Walk
Walk

Dickey Pitching
Grand Slam
Double
Walk

Curly Pitching
Strikeout

Now looking at that you might think, hey Curly didn't do too bad tonight what the fuck. He still sucks balls and gave up a walk and a double all while lowering his ERA from 9.00 to an astonishing 7.36. He's fucking garbage and everybody knows it. Anyways, here's a look at the lines tonight for the Twins pitchers...

Liriano - 6IP, 7H, 1ER, 5K, 5.09ERA
Larry - 0.2IP, 4H, 4ER, 0K, 8.44ERA
Moe - 0.0IP, 0H, 2ER, 0K, 16.20ERA
Dickey - 0.0IP, 2H, 1ER, 0K, 5.19ERA
Curley - 1.1IP, 1H, 0ER, 1K, 7.36ERA
Crain - 1IP, 0H, 0ER, 1K, 1.59ERA

I'll do the math for you; the stooges have a combined ERA of 32.00 after 11 games. I'd also love to include the worst pitcher in the major leagues with these bums, but I'm hoping that Humber and his 12.46 ERA are going to be put on waivers in the near future and we'll never have to see him pitch for the Twins again.

Basically what I'm saying is that if the bullpen doesn't see some new faces pretty soon, it's going to be a long summer.

There is a God

From the strib: "Risebrough fired as Wild GM"

Now with him and Jacque no longer in the organization, I may actually watch a Wild game.

Vikings @ Cardinals Part II

December 6th - Let me know if you need hotel accomodations.

Congratulations!

I just wanted to take this time to congratulate myself for winning the C-Town Goons 'n' Goalies fantasy hockey league. It was a long season, and I have to say the shut out victory in the championship was well deserved. I am a great hockey mind. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Wild and Gopher Hockey Undefeated This Week

The title really has no relevance other than I felt the need to say something positive and the rest of this post is anything but that. To the game: Twice the Twins had a runner on 3rd with nobody out and failed to get him home tonight. Keep in mind they lost by 2. Let's start with the 4th inning; Cuddyer leads off with a double and scores on a Buscher triple. At this point the score is 4-2 Twins and odds are it's going to be at least 5-2 by the end of the inning. Enter Delmon Young. Three straight pitches out of the strike zone and three worthless hacks later, there's one out and Buscher is still at third. After a lineout from Morales we're left with Nicky Punto needing a hit to score a run. Needless to say he had blown his load with a hit earlier in the game and also struck out to strand numbnuts at third. Sweet. After Slowey was done staking his claim to a bullpen spot, Gardy brings in Matt "Larry" Guerrier. He was pulled before he could do much damage, but still managed to give up a walk, stolen base, and a base hit while only facing 4 batters. After Breslow came in and struckout the only batter he faced, Gardy turns to Luis "Curly" Ayala. I'm not sure where this bum came from, but he is making me hate Guerrier and Crain a little less by sucking a little more. He managed to give up 4 hits including a 2 run bomb in just an inning of work, which gave the Jays their first lead of the game at 8-6. This brings us to the 8th inning where the Twins had another golden opportunity to get back in the game. Brendan Harris led off with a double, went to third on a wild pitch and then a familiar story took place. Delmon Young looked like a one-eyed retard flailing at just about every pitch he saw on his way to his second strikeout of the game with a runner on third and nobody out. After that Crede came off the bench to strikeout and finally Punto followed suit with a strikeout to once again strand a runner at third. While Punto was batting even Dick and Bert were hoping for a wild pitch. Fucking pathetic.

A couple of other observations from the first week: Regardless of what Mauer does at the plate, they need him back and quick. I love Redmond as much as the next guy, but he can't play every day being 60 years old and this other catcher throws like Ray Swatzell and hits like Barry Altepeter. And he dropped a pop up 3 feet from home plate. Fag. The twins pitching is shit and every time they throw a pitch I envision it landing in the gap somewhere. I'm not sure if missing Mauer has anything to do with this, but I'm assuming it hasn't helped. I don't think I've seen a single Twins pitcher shake off a sign from either catcher so far this year (i drink a lot during the games so this could be innacurate) and there is no way that Morales knows dick about the majority of the hitters. I'm not sure if they're afraid they're going to offend him or if they're somehow confident in what he's calling, but whatever it is aint working. Fuck it, it's early. At least we're not Nationals fans, they suck real bad.

Nice Weekend Guys

I was going to do a Twins recap of the games this weekend, but that seems a bit unnecessary given the way the games went. They scored one run all weekend losing twice to the Sox. Done.

I heard a rumor that two Timmy's from C-town are making a push to Douggie Riseborough to take over the reins of the Wild. Seriously I think Lemaire did what he had to do with the bunch of circus midgets he had to work with, but it's probably overdue bringing in somebody else to give it a shot. Smart money is probably on one of his assistant coaches, and I wouldn't mind seeing Mario Tremblay take over. If nothing else the guy has the stones to fire pucks at goalies' throats during practice if he doesn't like them. If you need more on that just google tremblay/roy and see what you find. Roy is an assbag too, so I like this guy even more.

Hockey Time...with Joe Finley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAF1z-uAPFw

stay tough, Joe.

Fuck You Ozzie

I didn't watch the entire game tonight, mainly because I was flipping back and forth between the Wild game, the Blues/Blue Jackets, and later the Ducks/Stars game. I did manage to see the Canadian rip one to left and the Twins pour on 7 runs in one inning against them cock suckers from Chicago. Even my boy Delmon got himself a batting average tonight along with his first two RBI. Granted he did all of that with the infield pulled in, had they been at double play depth it would've no doubt been a tailor made 4-6-3. Regardless, he's on the board and now hitting a whopping .091 which is identical to Casey English at the Clearbrook tourney that one year. Now we all know if bunting was legal in slow pitch he would've been hovering around the .400 mark, but still. R.A. Dickey made his Twins debut and got the win, which in the grand scheme of things is all you really ask for out of your 5th starter. Way to go buddy.

MVP - Joe Crede

Crede hit his first homer as a Twin and I'm assuming nothing feels better than ramming it up the ass of your former team. Figuratively of course, although with that blonde hair AJ looks pretty gay and probably would really appreciate something ramming up his ass. Crede also walked twice and scored two runs so I guess that's pretty good.

Wild Update...

Wild score a season-high 8 goals in their win over Nashville tonight eliminating the A-Rod Jr's and keeping their own slim playoff hopes alive. St. Louis also won tonight securing themselves a bid and relegating the Wild hopes to Anaheim losing their remaining two games. The Ducks are tied right now with Dallas after the 2nd period and if they manage to lose in regulation tonight, they need to find a way to lose to the Coyotes tomorrow night. If the Stars take care of business I'll be heading down to the Renaisance hotel so I can get a room next to the Ducks' block. I figure 30 hookers dripping with STD's should do the trick. If not, we're going to be at the game tomorrow and I'll bring my marbles.

Well the Wild just learned why you don't leave your playoff hopes in the hands of others. The Stars managed two goals in the last 6 minutes against the Ducks, but also gave up another and are heading to OT right now, eliminating the Wild from the playoffs. In the end it's probably better that we'll get to see the Sharks piss throttle the Ducks or the Blues instead of the Wild, but it still sucks ball sack. Fuck it.

The Archives

I stumbled upon this classic today, and found it appropriate to share with all.

Enjoy!

NOTE: It is a video clip so hit the "play" button on the bottom left of the picture.

Typical Day Game

Once again, I'm too lazy to look up any actual stats, so bear with me. It seems, however, that the Twins just don't give a shit about non-televised day games. Glen Perkins tosses an 8 inning gem only to have the Twins get shutout for the first time of the year. I'd love to give the MVP to Mariners second baseman Jose Lopez, but rules are rules. Actually there are no rules, but it's gonna be a Twins player each game so whatever. He did manage to strike out his first two at bats, then grounded into double plays in his following two at bats, accounting for almost 25% of his team's outs for the game. Awesome. Another candidate would have to be the Seattle manager, whose name is chinese and who looks mexican, not positive on either, but he tried to give the Twins hope in the 9th by bringing in Brandon Morrow and his 40.50 ERA. Unfortunately not even that was enough to put the Twins on the board. Delmon Young continued his perfection at the plate going 0-3 before being lifted for a pinch hitter in the 9th. That brings his average up to .000 and my preseason prediction of him having a big year is looking sillier every time he plays. Whatever, it's Masters weekend so who cares.

MVP - Glen Perkins

Scattered 5 hits through 8 innings and got rewarded with a big steamy pile of dung. I'll assume he'll be out on the golf course smoking a fatty and will have forgotten about this game by the weekend.

1st Place!

That's right fuckers, your Minnesota Twins are in first place. I'm too lazy to look it up, but I'm willing to bet it's been quite some time since we've been able to say that. As for the game, I'm not gonna lie it was a pretty boring affair, compounded by the fact that I was stone sober. I'm sure that'll change tomorrow night when they take on the Sox, but that's neither here nor there. Span made his best case for his second straight MVP of this blog by hitting a 2 run bomb in the second inning, only to be outdone by our favorite dim-witted Canadian. More on that later. The bad news for the day is Joe Crede's two game hit streak comes crashing to a halt, just 54 games short of tying Joe DiMaggio's record that has stood for a butt load of years (68 years to be exact, see what happens when I get really bored). Also, the Crainwreck pitched a rare scoreless inning, and we're not talking rare like seeing a clean Mexican, we're talking rare like seeing Christ. This shit just doesn't happen. Kevin Slowey became the first Twins pitcher of 2009 to record a win; not that he deserved it the way he kept battling to keep Seattle in the game, but nonetheless. Nathan also found his way into the record books by recording his 1st save of the year and 200th as a Twin. Outstanding.

MVP - DERRRRR

Derr came in with a batting average of... well he didn't exactly have a batting average coming into this one. He had been 0-8 with 8 runners left on base through the first two games, until a first inning moon shot gave the Twins a 2-0 lead. On top of the big bomb, Derr also walked and hit an RBI double. Even the out he made was a laser that almost found it's way into right-center field. Nice work ya idiot.

Trivia: what year was the picture at the top of this post taken? Answer tomorrow.

"Wooh, I did not c that happening"

The title of this post is lifted word for word from a text I received minutes after the Twins game last night. Awesome. I won't put a name on here, but there's a real good chance if you're reading this that you also received the text and know who sent it out. If not, take a guess and I'll bet you're right.

As for the game itself, I'll quote another post-game text and just say "Holy fucking shit Batman!" Couldn't agree more. Let's take a look at the events that had to take place leading up to the improbable finish...

1. Matt Guerrier pitches two scoreless innings. Seriously. And he looked good doing it. You're all aware how I feel about this homo, but for this one game anyways, he was money.

2. Gardy leaves Nathan in the pen trailing by a run heading to the 9th at home. If you read my post from last night, you can pretty much guess how I felt about this decision. I'll probably expand on this at some point in the near future as I could bitch for 5 pages about this method of thinking. So we'll leave it at that.

3. Carlos Gomez. This idiot walked all of 25 times last season, yet somehow manages to eke out a two out walk in the 9th, essentially starting the rally. His comments after the game included this gem: "I still swing, but I've got a plan when I go to the plate. I look for a pitch. If he don't throw it, I don't swing." My advice to opposing pitchers; throw a lot of off speed pitches.

4. Kubel and Buscher also walk, both of them in pinch hitting roles. Twins pinch hitting has been pretty much worthless ever since LeCroy hit like 4 bombs as a pinch hitter a few years ago. I wonder what that Newquist look a like is up to these days. I'll assume he's playing softball somewhere and absolutely ripping it up.

After that, all it took was an RBI single from Span and a two run single from Casilla and the Twins were back to .500. Game is in HD tonight, so everyone should be able to count the sweat beads rolling around on Silva's fat head.

MVP - Denard Span

Span had 3 hits, two of them drove in runs, stole a base and scored a run. He's better than you are.

Is Nathan Hurt?

Why the fuck don't you bring him in to pitch the 9th down by a run? He's supposed to be your best reliever right? If you're down heading to the 9th at home there is absolutely no chance for a save right? Fuckin christ Gardy, I swear to god he won't explode if he pitches and it's not a save situation. Gay.

It's Go Time!

Well it certainly has been one fuck of a month, but things are starting to get back to normal, and along with that I think it's time to fire up this poor excuse of a blog again.

I fully intended to do a live blog of the Twins opener, but I didn't crack a beer until the first pitch and just wasn't feeling it. After watching the game it's probably a good thing because I would've gotten bored and quit typing the minute Derr bounced into that inning/comeback/rally/game - ending double play. After that the only joy I got was watching the Gurrain Train derail and put to rest any remaining hope. Guerrier managed to keep his ERA at 0.00 for the time being, even though he was on the hill for the two 9th inning runs. Ol' Crainwreck wasn't so lucky however, as he saw his ERA shoot up to 13.50 where it should remain for the duration of the season. Here's hoping that was the last time we see either of those mental patients pitch in a meaningful situation this year. I realize that is certainly not the case, but it gives me something to hope for anyways. Fuck.

MVP - Mike Redmond

It seems like every game he gets his ass battered worse than Skippy in prison, and yet he never comes out of a game. He's either really tough or really dumb, neither of which would surprise me. And on top of taking a broken bat to the head last night, he still had the Twins' only extra base hit and scored the only run. That fucker is alright in my book. Well, I don't really have a book, but if I did he'd be on the cover.

Final Five: We Hardly Remember Ye

Now, many of us are attending WCHA's Final Five this weekend, and I know how excited we can get about it. Some of us have been busily emailing each other all week in preparation and excitement, while others have been doing fuzzy math during our night shift at the liquor store on the how much we'll save on cheese curds alone if we don't go down to the cities until Saturday night. Needless to say, it's occupied a great deal of our time so far. So much so, that I fear some of you have missed out on a very important day. This past Tuesday was a day that deserves observance, and I think we really missed the boat, collectively. It's a day that celebrates a wonderful story. A day that should be honored. I am talking, of course, about...












Wait for it...






Wait for it...







Just a little more...





Almost...

... Patrick Duffy's birthday!

Now, unless you're me, you probably don't go to theonion.com everyday to read the American Voices section. If you are me, you would have noticed that the last three days' American Voices have all been devoted to Patrick Duffy's bday for some reason. At first I didn't understand why, so I did some digging... and figured out he was the dad on Step-by-Step, and most likely banged Suzanne Sommers in her prime. And maybe had a fling with that brunette stepdaughter from the show that was being so relentlessly pursued by everybody's favorite: Cody (or whatever the dumb guys name was). Who knows - he's fucking Patrick Duffy, anything is possible. In addition, he was on a show called Dallas, which I'm told was a big hit at the time. I think it was about rich cowboys from the 70s, judging by pictures on the interwebs.



In any event, I just wanted everyone to take a second to reflect on what Patrick Duffy and Step-by-Step (No , not Step-by-Step by NKOTB [New Kids on the Block], Step-by-Step the hilarious long-running sitcom with the classic nerd kid with glasses) meant to them. Thanks for your time.



Notcho

Yes, I do realize I am going to Hell

CROOKSTON PIRATES SPECIAL OLYMPICS BASKETBALL TAKE SECOND!!





The Crookston Pirates Special Olympics basketball team completed their season in Perham in the Region 4 tournament. The morning session was individual skills and the athletes all placed well in their divisions. The afternoon had games. There were 3 on 3 half court games (which the majority of teams played) and full court. There were only 2 teams entered in the full court, of which the Pirates were one. The other team was the Perham team, who are the 5 time state champions in the highest division. Apparently no one else wanted to take them on, but the Pirates were willing and able. Last year, they lost 62 -0. This year was different. The Pirates lost both games of the best of three, but there is more to the story than that. This time the scores were 48-6 and 41-5. The athletes stood toe to toe with them and did not let down. By the end, they were exhausted. But, they lived the spirit of the special olympics oath, "Let me win, but if I do not win, let me be brave in the attempt."

Cock Tease from "The Classic"

Seeing this headline got me a little excited, "Punto injures elbow at Classic" Then it all came crashing down as I read the article.

BRADENTON, Fla. -- Nick Punto's departing gift from the World Baseball Classic was not exactly a pleasant one.
The Twins shortstop returned to the clubhouse at Hammond Stadium in Fort Myers, Fla., on Thursday morning with a swollen right elbow, the result of getting drilled by a pitch in Italy's loss to Venezuela on Tuesday night.
Punto had an X-ray on the elbow after that game and it came back negative. The Twins medical staff was going to look over the X-rays he had taken, but the expectation was that Punto will just miss a couple of days while he waits for the swelling to go down.
"It's pretty stiff," Punto said of his elbow. "We'll see. ... The swelling has gone up a bit. It could just be the flight [back to Florida] too."
Although the swollen elbow was a disappointing way to end the Classic for Punto, he said the overall experience was more than he could have imagined. Italy's 6-2 victory over Canada at Rogers Centre in Toronto was an especially memorable moment.
"It was unbelievable," Punto said of the win. "It was exciting for everybody, but it was truly like they won Game 7 of the World Series -- from the manager to the players to the president of the Italian Federation."
While some of Punto's teammates have teased Justin Morneau and Jesse Crain about Team Canada's loss to Italy, the shortstop said he won't be giving those guys any grief.
"I don't even want to touch that," said Punto, who went 1-for-12 with an RBI in three games for Italy. "I'm sure they are still a little sore about it."
The Twins shortstop had so much fun in the event that he said he'd love to take part in when the next Classic rolls around in three years. But he came away with one lesson from it as well. Punto, who has been hit by only one pitch in his Major League career, said that he's going to try to stay out of the way of any errant pitches in the future.
"It hurt," Punto said. "Now I know why I don't get hit by pitches."


I guess it was just too good to be true, cue the blue balls. The shit news for the Twins is that his 0.083 WBC batting average will probably be ready for the regular season. What a fucking pussy, I hate Punto.


And by the way, Doc, did you get the Flux Capacitor fixed and take the fucking Delorean out again? You have an explanation of events on 3/9/2009 posted on 3/6/2009. Simply amazing!

Explanation of Events on 3/9/09

First of all, had I known about the events that had transpired earlier in the day, I would've never thought the Wild would lose last night's game. It wasn't until this morning that I was given the full story, and I'll recount that here to let all of you know exactly how the Wild won last night.

7:00am C-Town Time(CTT)

Here we see our favorite goalie Reeser starting the morning off workin on the rails. I'm not sure where he was planning on going, but I'll bet he never got there.

9:00am CTT
The call comes in from SJ Sharks GM Doug Wilson telling Reese to get his pads out of the basement. It seems Nabakov is out and they're in a pinch. Naturally Reeser is busy having a ciggy so he misses the call, but he'll get the biggest voicemail ever soon enough.

11:00am CTT
Reese puts in a call to Bob Montague pleading for any advice that might help him settle down and be ready for the game. "You've only got one job to do, stop the puck." Nuff said.

12:00pm CTT

Reeser is on a plane and heading for California. Soils all three barf bags in his row. Now working on some Copenhagen.

4:00pm CTT
Rumors start flying around San Jose that this kid from Minnesota is being called up by the Sharks. Nabakov has no comment.

6:00pm CTT

Reeser arrives at the arena to throngs of reporters wondering just who the hell he is. "No comment, talk to the birdie."

8:30pm CTT
Dressed and ready to go, the puke count up to 5, It's finally time to hit the ice. Rob Blake taped over Reese's skate blades and his entrance onto the ice for warmups is a memorable one. That crafty old fuck. In another bizarre move, the Sharks allow The Feever to warm up their new goalie, and all this results in is about 30 head shots and a stick in the nuts. Needless to say Reeser is rattled.

9:30pm CTT
Game Time. Reeser looks to be shitting bricks right now.

10:45pm CTT
We're about half way through the second period and the Sharks have built themselves a 3-0 lead. Reese hasn't had this many shutout minutes since...well never. Maybe in mens league that one time, but that really doesn't count.

11:00pm CTT
Bergeron finally solves the mystery goalie from Minnesota. Apparently someone on the Wild staff was watching film of warmups to get an idea on this kid's weaknesses and noticed after about 13 or 14 head shots he was turtling on every shot above his waist. The call came in to the bench and before anybody knew what happened we were heading to the 2nd intermission with the Wild down just 3-2.

12:00am CTT
With about 8 minutes left in the game and the Sharks clinging to a one goal lead, another tip comes into the the Wild bench. It seems the coach of the high school team in Detroit Lakes is watching the game, and apparently knows a surefire way to get the Wild another goal. He tells the lockerroom staff about a play they ran back in '98 that worked like a charm. "Just bounce the puck from as close to center ice as possible, make sure it hops a couple times and he'll lose it 5-hole." What happened next will live on in highlight shows forever.

Here's a still shot, bulletin board material if you will.

1:00am CTT
Overtime now. Scrum in front of Reeser, he gets shoved aside like a salad in front of skippy, and just like that the Wild leave California with two points. San Jose sent Reese packing, probably his last soiree in the NHL, but you never know.

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it, but it all makes sense now.

Gross

That's all I can say about the picture that previously occupied this space. Thanks pipe smoker. Anyways, I've been hoping somebody would post anything to get that picture to drop down, unfortunately that didn't happen so I'll have to step in. Wilbur sent me a link to his blog, which includes a pretty in-depth preview of the Twins season. I refuse to post it on here due to a couple things; A)My preview is better. B)It's like 6 pages long. C)My preview is all you need to know. Anyways, here's the link to his blog. My only suggestion is to drink more when posting, it makes everything better.

God I can still see that fucking picture.

Hopefully this will take care of that.

Oh yeah, and the Wild are in the midst of a serious ass-whipping at the hands of the Sharks. Either San Jose is really good or the Wild are all drunk. Probably both. It reminds me of what would happen if a varsity high school team played the JV. Which reminds me of one of the worst movies of all time; D3. My favorite part of that movie is when Charlie is crying because he isn't captain anymore and Hans throws a bunch of C's at him. Then he dies. I blame Charlie.

Doug (I shit my pants when it comes doing something productive) Risebrough

Once again another trade deadline has passed us and Doug is caught with his pecker in his hands. This guys has not been able to pull the trigger or get anything done since he made a mess in the 90's out of a Gilmour trade. I am going to suggest he, just like the reporter in Colorado, walk his children to school. Douggie R., congrats, you are the biggest f ing joke right next to Marian (my pussy hurts all day everday) Gaborik. I love Belanger's comments on Gabby when told he was taking some tests, "what, is he getting a degree, he has had enough time off to study for one." I am glad that Doug was working those phones so hard today in attempt to better his team. I guess he felt confident in the fact that we score two goals a game and have a line that includes...Weller, Boogard, and sometimes AHL all star Krys Kolanos. Doug was found in his office today wearing this shitty diaper.

Note To Josh Harding:

Have fun in Detroit next year.

Sincerely,
Doc


SAINT PAUL/MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. -- Minnesota Wild President and General Manager Doug Risebrough today announced the National Hockey League (NHL) club has re-signed goaltender Niklas Backstrom to a four-year, $24 million contract that will run through the 2012-2013 NHL season

And So It Begins...

Kangas is out. Patterson is in. Long overdue in my book.

Congrats C-Town Bloggers

I just want to say how proud I am of all you handicapped mofo's that participated in the section blogging tournament. We came out with first place ribbons and a quality picture to show for it. Now let's gather all the helmets up, hit the road, and do our best blogging to capture the state title. And who knows, one day we may even get to participate in the real blogging sections and not just the retard version.

By the way, Doc you might want to try some sun screen, you're looking a little "burnt" and not to mention gay holding onto Skipper's leg.

Vikes Get Jewwier

If you haven't heard, the Vikes traded for Sage Rosenfels at some point today. The only good part of this is that we won't have to watch Gus play in a Vikes uniform ever again. Well, atleast not until Jackson is hurt again. So we'll get about 3 games Gus-Free this season, make sure to enjoy them.

Rosenfels is first and foremost the owner of the gayest name in professional sports, and if it doesn't scream "JEW" then I don't know what does. Now I don't know for sure if he's a Jew or not, but it sure sounds like it. And the Vikes have the Jewwiest Jew I've ever seen as an owner, so who knows. Maybe Ziggy is secretly trying to field an all Jew team at some point down the road and this is just starting to lay the foundation. who knows. Jews.

Twins Preseason Opener - LIVE

Going to try doing this a little different this year, we'll see how it works and go from there. As for the webcam, couldn't get anything worthwhile on there so i'm scrapping it for now.

Top 1st - Pedroia lined a double to left center off of Perkins, but other than that no problems. Cuddy showed off his arm on a throw to third from RF and he still has a laser.

Bot 1st - I didn't even see who led off, one pitch and done. Casilla followed suit. DERR with a looping double to left center, looked like he got jammed, but he didn't. he's stronger than me. Cuddy follows with a walk. All this off of Wakefield and his knuckler. Kubel up now. And he pops up to 3rd base. gay.

Top 2nd - First mention of Red Sox Nation by the play by play guy. i hate every one of them. Promptly followed by the first K by Perkins. Not sure how to type a backwards K, but if i could i would.

Bot 2nd - Delmon leads off with a single. He's good. Buscher follows with a single, Delmon to 3rd. Nobody out. Red Dog with a bloop single and we're on the board. Delmon almost gave himself a concussion when he "slid" into home head first. Might wanna tell him to dial it down a notch, it's a long season. And a sac fly later from Pridie and it's 2-0. Ok, Casilla is up now, so he clearly didn't bat in the first. I'll assume it was Punto who got out on one pitch. Casilla with a bloop RBI single and it's 3-0. They're fucking unstoppable. Until this little homo gets up. I'm banking on a DP. Check that, Casilla steals 2nd taking the DP out of play. And then little Nicky fouls one off his own head. Don't ask how, but it happened. God he's a fag. Nick Punto 0-2, rest of team 5-7. God i hate him. Ok inning over after a DERR walk and cuddy ground out. I'm gonna give the live stream a go and see what it looks like. stand by...

Ok, we're live again. I couldn't find a good picture, but whatever. The twins are in white and the Sox are wearing blue if you can't decipher that.

Top 3rd - Not sure how, but there's 2 outs and Pedroia is up.

Bot 3rd - Wakefield is out. I could tell he was losing velocity off his fast ball right from the start. Seriously, he couldn't have been throwing more than 70mph. It was only a matter of time.

Typing is boring when I'm not drunk. I'm gonna try to set up the cam a little closer and broadcast the game that way. Again, no promises, this might be the best you're gonna get.

Well, that's it for tonight. I've got nothing but time on my hands tomorrow so we'll see what happens with the blog, but for now, i'm out and so is the live broadcast.

New Look for C-Town Blog

I have to say I'm kind of impressed with the new look to the blog Doc. I'm not sure where you found the motivation to update to a Twins theme, I know you're one of the laziest bastards I've ever met. And that says a lot looking at all the d-bags connected to this blog. I like the new banner too, you even found a way to emphasize the class of this blog by adding the Natty Lite can. Your feed for the game tonight, and all future web casts, better be flawless and in HD or I'll be sending D-Gordo down there to hook it up. Keep your jug of water handy...

Twins 2009 Preview – Doc Style

First and foremost, Russel is already questioning my opening day lineup, and I say go blow yourself. Not that I need to defend my decision, but I will anyways. I’m going to assume that most people, including Russel, would hit either Cuddy or Crede in the 5 hole. The only other person on the roster who would fit in as a number 5 hitter is Kubel, but that won’t work here. So, our three options for protecting the M&M’s are Delmon, Cuddy, and Crede. I can see all three of them in there at one point or another this season, but my biggest argument for giving Delmon the nod to start the season is health. Cuddyer is coming off a year where he played only 9 games after June and Crede played just 11 games after the all star break. Cuddy’s injury doesn’t appear to be anything that will carry over to this season, but you never know. Crede on the other hand could go either way with his back. He had surgery over the off season and only time will tell if it’s healed this time or if it’s just an on-going problem. Plus they’re both old. Old for baseball, not old for the earth. Delmon meanwhile was hitting .297 after the break including heating up in September with a .330 batting average. In other words, it would appear the sophomore slump ended early for him, if you can call it that. But if you take a look back, turns out he was just three at bats shy of using up his rookie status in 2006 and therefore was technically still a rookie in 2007. If you break his career down into 162 game sections, he finished up his second season last year towards the end of August. In games after that (start of his 3rd season) he batted .337. Keep in mind this kid is only 23 years old and a former first overall draft pick. I’m pretty sure he’s going to surprise the hell out of everyone this year; I’ll say batting over .300 with 15-20 dingers and should close in on 100 RBI as well. So blow me.
One concern I have with the Twins is the determination to pencil Nick Punto into the lineup every fucking day. This guy is probably a good clubhouse guy and services Gardy for playing time, but in reality should never see the field unless the Twins have a lead in the 8th inning and need to put him in as a defensive replacement or a pinch runner or some shit like that. He’s garbage as an everyday player and deserves to get kicked in the balls by Donald Igwebuike.
You can’t really argue too much with the 1-4 guys in the lineup, maybe Gomez in the 2 hole when he plays, but I think he’s a 9 guy regardless so we’ll move on with that. The other argument people have is hitting Mauer and Morneau back to back instead of putting one of the righties in between them. All you have to do is look at the numbers and you’ll see that it doesn’t matter one bit what side the pitcher is throwing from, these guys are gonna get their hits. Mauer hit .361 off lefties last year and Morneau wasn’t bad at .284. Your righties against lefties last season – Delmon .300, Redmond .277, Gomez .270 and it just gets lower from there (Crede hit just .122 off lefties last year). Argument over.
I’m too lazy and bored right now to look any numbers up for pitching, so let’s just say the twins are going to have one of the best starting rotations in baseball. If these guys stay healthy and consistently do what they are capable of, we’re looking at a staff that will rival the braves of the 90’s when they had Smoltz, Glavine, and Maddux. Not even kidding.
1. Scott Baker RHP
2. Francisco Liriano LHP
3. Kevin Slowey RHP
4. Glen Perkins LHP
5. Nick Blackburn RHP
Biggest concern for these guys is throwing more than 4 innings per night. They need at least 2 of these guys to throw over 200 innings this year to take some pressure off the pen, which was overworked as hell last season. If someone wants to look up innings pitched between the starters and bullpen last year go for it, but I’m going to guess the Twins had one of the worst ratios in baseball.
On to the bullpen, and still too lazy to look stuff up, so I’ll just say that the new fat left handed Mexican needs to be as good or better than the last fat left handed Mexican. And he was good when he was here. Not sure about Ayala, he seems like a bum to me, but I honestly don’t know shit about him so I won’t pretend I do. Hate Crain. Hate Guerrier. Hate Bonser. Hopefully either Humber or Swarzak can show something this spring and make the club eliminating the need for Bonser. Other than that, you’ve got the other lefty Breslow who was solid last year and Nathan who is a horse.
Before I end this garbage, there’s one other thing that drives me up a wall with Gardy; the need to bat Redmond 3rd when he gives Mauer the day off. Now we all love Redmond and he’d be a perennial all-star if they voted in a backup catcher, but come on man. Bat him 8th, do what you need to with the rest of the lineup. Problem solved.
Remember, I’m planning on doing a live blog during the game tonight and I’ll try to get the streaming webcam going as well. No promises, but that’s the plan. Peace Bitches.

*UPDATE* Bonser is out for the season with strained vagina or something. I'm not quite sure how today could get any better. Maybe Punto will be involved in a car accident or found to be a member of the Italian Mafia and be forced to leave the country, never to be heard from again. Keep your fingers crossed.