A Not So Random Observation

Skoula fucking sucks. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Skoula fucking sucks. He's the Nick Punto of the Wild. Seriously, it's like watching Dave Gordon on skates. He should have been traded for a used puck bag and six practice jerseys a long time ago.

Random Observations

Didn't get a chance to watch the first game of the year, we were busy trying to get kicked out of Jobing.com Arena at the Coyotes opener. After watching one period tonight, a few observations:

1. Mikko Koivu is a stud. I'm guessing if he stays healthy he puts up more points than Gunner does for NAPA this year.

2. There is almost as many people in my living room as there is at the game in Atlanta.

3. Hockey without HD blows.

EDIT

4. Skoula is a waste of space. I completely agree with Russel on this one. Horrible.

On an unrelated note, Hammy and Mrs. Hammy fly in tomorrow morning. I won't be online, but I'll try to take pictures of the gong show that will be us. Until next time, stay hot C-town.

Cast of Characters

Hobbs.

Schmidtty (look up Florida A&M's old bball coach for explanation).

Porter.

Anonymous member of this blog who may or may not have orchestrated the described jailbreak.

Inmate #270000964

The following is taken directly from a document dated 09/09/07, just over one year ago. It was recently discovered tucked away in a folder labeled DBHB. If any of you have any information about the contents of this document, it would be greatly appreciated.

Just kidding, this is actually the final installment of the one and only DBHB and I thought it warranted an entry into C-town history. If anyone has a problem with this posting and would like it removed to protect the "innocent" just shoot me an email and i'll take it down. otherwise, enjoy...


Well, it’s finally here. Tomorrow I’m out. I don’t know if I can handle on the outside anymore. I’m what the smart man in the white coat will call “institutionalized”. I’m thinking of planning a jailbreak and getting caught on purpose. Or trying not to get caught. It would be pretty fun trying to organize a jailbreak and make it all the way to Mexico. Hopefully I can get there before Bush erects his thousand mile four foot tall chain link fence. Cause that’ll keep me out. Good try, W. Not with the Dems in the Senate! Even if I get caught, I fall back into the arms of my newly found adopted mother: the state penal system.

Not saying that I’ll do it, but here’s how it would go down…

First, I’d assemble a crew. Schmidtty’s a given. He’s clearly got some anger issues, and he may become distracted by trying to break his probation terms and harassing his ex again, but I think he can be trusted. We’ll need Porter for muscle. He’ll probably abandon us eventually, but he’d be instrumental in getting us out if we had to unexpectedly use strong-arm tactics to bust out. Mr. Potato Head Man would for sure be coming with, but he actually was released like a week ago. I’m keeping my fingers crossed he f-ed up again and is sitting back at the big house right now, but it’s unlikely. We need four at least to have a good running crew. Five gets too bogged down, and with only three there’s never a clear cut majority on big decisions. It’s always two to one. That’s usually questionable. When you’ve got three to one, there will be less dissent. That’s why for my fourth, I’m going with Hobbs. He’s quiet, not too opinionated; I’m guessing if I needed to sway a vote, I could convince him pretty easily. Plus, “Go Hobbs, Yeah!”

The plan is simple: Walk out the front door. Okay, not that simple. We want to delay the inevitable discovery of our escape for as long as possible so we can have traveled as far towards Mexico until the very quick, very adept, guards figure us out. Schmidtty and I get out early, which will play to our advantage. From what I understand, Porter usually sleeps in until like 1pm, so nobody will miss him for a while. Probably until dinner at 1645 hours (military time for 4:45pm). Hobbs is a different matter. He has STS (sentenced to serve). He goes to work everyday around 8am and works with a crew that is led by one of the guards. We’ll need some collusion from some others with his alibi. We should be able to get one of the 19 year old punks to tell the crew leader that Hobbs isn’t coming because he has diarrhea. Should be believable; Hobbs is f-ing disgusting. He gives out these horrible, loud belches that originate in his lower intestine. “Go Hobbs, Yeah!”
We’ll have to steal some clothes and pillows to make it look like people are under the covers in both Hobbs’ and Porter’s beds. That shouldn’t be too difficult. There’s enough extra standard issue clothing out there to lump up on the beds. We’ll break for it in the morning. I’ll get out at my usual 540 hours. They buzz me out from the office, and at that hour, it’s pretty dark even in the hallways. Porter will hide around the corner, and when I get buzzed out I’ll open the door wide. If he ducks low enough, they won’t be able to see him leave with me. We’ll wait for Hobbs to sneak out using the same method with Schmidt when Schmidtty gets let out twenty minutes later. Then, we take Schmidtty’s Bronco and head West on 94. Schmidtty is key because he’s the only one who has his drivers license and a vehicle there. He didn’t get a DUI, you’ll remember; he just creeps out chicks to the point of involving the authorities. We still love you Schmidt! Now let’s go hop in your car!

We’ll go west until we get to Montana. That will throw them off. Plus, in Montana, there are no laws. At least that’s what I gather from this one Hallmark movie I saw on Lifetime about ten years ago starring Wilford Brimley, I think. I have not really looked at many roadmaps, but I’m sure from Montana, Mexico is a straight shot south. I’m guessing even before we get to Montana, Porter will be bored, or we will have forgotten him at a gas station somewhere. That or he will be arrested again on suspicion of something. He’s African American. Hobbs will be drinking, and Schmidt and I will have realized he has become a liability, and develop a plot to leave him passed out at a rest area somewhere in the Rockies.

At that point, anything could happen, really. And it probably will! (I smell a sitcom!)

Well I guess it’s time to retire my keyboard, and bid you adieu. I think you for patronizing me and reading my blogs. I don’t think jail would have been nearly as fun or humiliating without you. OUT.

Skid keeps his M and Ms on his desk so no one takes them...

Yes you do Skippy, yes you do.

Here's a little help with your job, as well. I know it's tough to tell who just got an email. I mean, everybody's got the same beep, and you're all the way across the hall sittin' on the workbench talking to the HR chick. Now, you go to this website, it'll cut down on the confusion. Don't say I never did anything for you.

www.ringtones-direct.com/true-tones/3137_52-Congratulations-Skippy-Youve-Got-Mail.htm

Also, you can check this one out. Kind of a morale booster, I guess. Depends on how you look at it.

http://momisright.blogspot.com/2005/12/congratulations-skippy.html

I stumbled upon these gems testing out Google's search algorithms, so it's not wierd. Okay, it's a little wierd. It's been a long day. "Algorithms" is a fancy word some other fancy word, which slips my mind at the moment... Damnit... Oh yeah, workbench.

My guess is Notch-O!

Ok, so i answered the question before it was asked.

As far as I remember (and i've drank atleast 15 beers in my life, so take it easy if i'm wrong) yesterday was Skippy's B-day, and today is Hammy's B-day. Again, this is not confirmed, but I haven't heard anything contradicting either fact as of yet.

On a side note, does the retard in that picture up above look a lot like a certain girls hockey coach from C-town? i think so.

Crookston Daily Times

Okay, I have to admit. This post has nothing to do with the Crookston Daily Times and which Altepeter family is having supper at which Erdmann family's house, or who's doing the best at raising horses near Gentilly. No, it's not about any of that. And it's not about workbenches, or Skipper, or Skipper and Burt Reynolds, or Burt Reynolds and workbenches. It's about clarification.

Who's birthday is it, Hammy or Skippy's? Or is it both. I guess it doesn't matter, cause whomever's birthday it is, I wish to send the same message: Have a crappy Labor Day and I hope your house burns down. Also, you masturbate to Nordy the Mulleted Bear. Also, happy birthday.

Labels

So i just went back and read through all the posts that didn't include labels and updated them accordingly. Skippy has what some might consider a commanding lead with 22 posts that mention him at least once* For those of you wondering, workbench is in 2nd place with 9.

* most mention him many times and include how disgusting he is on all levels of life.

Go Get 'em Tiger!

Hey guys, whats up! It's your buddy Jeff Heywood here, i'm in prison in Indiana for "allegedly" touching a little boy "inappropriately". i say if he don't say no it aint inappropriate! HAHAHA not to mention i had read somewhere that 12 year old boys were legal. anyways,

Here's a picture from my days as Scout Leader of Troop 442 up in C-town! You might recognize the young whipper snapper I'm handing the trophy to - it's none other than C-town's own Hammy!!! Thats right folks, it's back in '93 and i'm takin some time off from running the Jehova Church up there and it aint baseball season, so what the heck am i supposed to do? well i run into the Hammy family at Piggly Wiggly one night and the ol' lady says to me they need a scout leader. now since little Hammy looked up to me so much, i couldn't turn down the opportunity. long story short, hammy took like 5th or 6th in the bumper bowling event we put on, so you can see him above receiving his participation trophy. nobody really thought that retard was getting a real trophy did they? well shit. he didn't. in closing, happy birthday you old retard. and if you're ever down near Terre Haute stop in (we got them conjugal visits now!)

"Jehovah" Jeff Heywood

Happy Birthday Resident Retard!!!

It's that time of year again, when the air seems cooler and the buses seem shorter. Our own Hammy is born today. well, not today THIS year, but today nonetheless. it's a time for celebration for retards around the globe. C-town has been receiving birthday greetings to pass along to Hammy all morning, so i'll try to get some of them up here before too long. In the meantime, happy birthday retard. and here's hoping you peed your bed last night.

Garth Snow Can Eat a Dick

Last year Garth Snow used Don Lucia's apparent inability to develop Kyle Okposo as the reason he left in the middle of the season. Well Garth, Blake Wheeler not only made the Boston Bruins opening day roster, he scored a goal in their season opener against the Avs. Lucia discussed Wheeler making the roster at media day and had this to say, “We must be doing something right here.” A not so subtle middle finger to Mr. Snow.

Skipper! This guy stole your catch phrase! And your identity! He's writing bad checks left and right! Let's get him!

Don't worry, based on this photo, he's obviously good friends with the man in the green shirt, who I think abducted Hammy one weekend in Glenwood (Uncle Jeffy). All we need to do is find Uncle Jeffy, and have him track down Skippy's nemesis. Then Skippy takes back his identity, lays into this guy (as if he were a workbench), eats a few elephant ears, and calls it a night. Who's coming with me?

Skipper = Genius

Skipper says:

i wish we could still get tix for the series at the Ralph

Skipper says:

Siouzzie vs. gophs

Russel says:

there are some on stub hub for $250 each, pretty sure i'd rather watch in weiner's garage

Skipper says:

haha, yeah no shit

Russel says:

we should see if fee can get some through his old man

Skipper says:

Frank?

new Fargo, ND Church

Not sure what religion, if any, that you guys are into, but I thought I would share with you this new church that my buddy Hammer time opened. I think this would be a great place for Skippy to have a coming out about re-opening his balls and buttholes bar.

Congratulations Skippy!

10/9/2008
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Moorhead, MN - According to his website, www.moanjorlan.com - Adam "Skippy" Morlan is prepared to reopen his bar in Moorhead. The bar, formerly known as the I-Beam, will simply be called "Skippys Gay Bar" for it's second run. When contacted by reporters, Morlan said he was "ecstatic to finally have a place to get together with his other gay friends. And what better way to 'come out' with the announcement than on my b-day." Look for the full story to be released Friday.

Fore!

Well, good news and bad news.

Bad news - contrary to popular belief, i have not been sleeping on any train tracks nor visiting crooks lately. hopefully both will change before too long.

Good news - i've been out drinking on the links a bunch since the twins got eliminated. oh, and playing some golf too.

this is probably the worst time of the year for Minnesotans who are displaced and can't make it to a UMC football game. Frankly, without UMC football, there is nothing to watch worth a damn. Every year from the time the twins season ends until gopher hockey starts, life is pretty damn boring. yesterday it was a cool 92 degrees when we got to the course. managed to get in 9 holes and 12 beers. would've been more like 18 holes and 6 beers, but there was a high school meet going on so it was slow as skippy on skates.

oh yeah, and i'm done with school at 12:45pm tuesday through friday and at 12:05 on mondays. should lead to many drunken afternoons on the golf course.

i'm also taking a day off next wednesday as the newly neutered Hammy is making a pit-stop in Phoenix on his way to horny time south of the border. i doubt we'll do much drinking when he's here. oh man i almost typed that with a straight face. in reality, we'll be at the bar by 10am betting on the horsies. ok, thats enough for now. fuck you all.

found the doctor

We seem to have lost Doc, well dont' worry, I located him outside Crooks last night. Looks like he has drank himself into a drunken native after the Twins loss.

If someone can make sure he is not sleeping on the tracks anymore at night, we will all be better off.

Nobody wants to blog anymore. Good, good. More for me and you. (workbench).

God's Gift to Hangovers

Here it is folks, Taco John's breakfast burrito. Quite possibly the finest food ever made. I'm pretty sure it's what God has for breakfast. If they made it all day I would probably eat it for every meal. I think they put crack in it.

Skoula Sucks

Once again Skoula shits the bed. He damn near took out Josh Harding's eye with this brilliant move. How does this guy get any playing time? He's horrible. All he ever does is fuck up. Damn it Jacques, everyone else sees it, why don't you?