Quick Question

Why the fuck are the Wild wearing white at home tonight? Anybody?

Another couple of questions pertaining to the Wild. And i have to watch it on the Kings feed which is stupid. I wonder how Zidlicky's name is listed in the media guide. I swear every announcer this season other than Terhaar and Greenlay pronounce it Zid-lit-ski or some variance of that. Really annoying. Also, these clowns keep saying Bo-guard. Which is also interesting that he's had about 3 shifts already in the first 15 minutes of the game. And i haven't seen him fight yet this year. I guess when you put on a youth fighting clinic in the offseason you get a reputation around the league. Sort of how Skippy has a reputation that makes cooks shiver when he walks into a buffet. I'm sure that comment will lead to a Hammy story of a young lady shivering in downtown Minneapolis, but I say bring it on.

*UPDATE* I checked around a little bit and solved the Zidlicky query.

Marek Židlický (pronounced [ˈmarɛk ˈʒɪdlɪtskiː]

So there you have it. Not sure how you could confuse that. Fucking foreigners. Did i catch a niner in there?

One more observation, and not to nitpick, but these guys are fucking brutal. Now they're talking about Gaborik's ball region being broken, and they keep saying Gob-o-rick. Homos.

A Team Named Sue

Updating the USCHO rankings today, and them indians from north dakota no longer have a number in front of their name. That makes me giggle. That got me to thinking about how bad the final five is going to suck for Feever with nobody to cheer for. Also got me thinking back to the good ol days when a trip to the final five didn't involve a flight and was a yearly occurance. Ah, the memories. Here's my top 5 that i can remember. Keep in mind i was blackout drunk the majority of the time spent there, so these might not be accurate. Also, if i leave any out, feel free to add your own. I also have a couple other stories, but i can't remember if they happened during final five or at the state high school tourney, so i'll leave them off the list. we'll consider these honorable mentions; Greens picking his nose on the jumbotron, freddy throwing a beer bottle right through the hotel window, russel getting his jacket stolen from inside the ghetto hotel room, and yours truly getting cut off at a bar. it may or may not have been noon as previously reported by Hammy, i can't seem to remember the details. anyways, here's my top 5 final five stories:

5. Barry Bergan at some bar down the street from the X. If you haven't seen BB put on a show, you don't know what you're missing. Not to mention the fact that he was accompanied by Wade "the blade" demarais. There's a guy i miss. Anyways, Barry was stumbling drunk and wanted to know which titty bar was the best to get some "extra attention". He had collected about 30 of those strip club cards they hand out on the street and was flipping through them asking which one i thought he should go after. The guy is a legend.

4. Jimmy Johns. No real story here, but my god were they delicious at 2am. And i'm pretty sure Skippy had sex with his sandwich on TK's floor.

3. Riding the dueling zambonis with Beav. This also isn't much of a story, mainly because none of you other fuckers were at the arena yet when we did it. It was still pretty sweet. Also, i need to include the 94 times the Curlett was on the jumbotron. I swear to god he was sucking off the camera guy because he was up there every other stoppage. Fag.

2. Feever! Here's a bit of advice for anybody going to the X for any event: If the usher/security guy tells you to stop swearing and stop spilling your drink, don't do the following. Feever says he's sorry, won't happen again, proceeds to stumble a bit, spills his drink damn near on the guy's foot, then says something to the effect of "oh fuck i'm sorry" needless to say he was not around for the end of that game.

1. The mother of all Final Five stories, hands down number 1. We were all witness to the only person to ever have a full ciggy inside the Xcel Energy Center. Let me set the stage here, Sioux vs Gophers, jam-packed arena, we're at the bar row more than likely hammered as shit. Some old dude walks up behind us with his nachos in hand, cheese all over his shirt, and sits down in the lounge chairs behind us. Nothing unusual there, those are some sweet chairs. Game is underway, and the son of a bitch old man decides to take a fucking nap (read: pass out). I don't remember exactly when it was when he came to, but i know he slept through a couple goals, which equals loud as you can imagine in there. Fucker wakes up, kind of looks around as we're all laughing our drunk asses off at his perplexed look. He then reaches down and has a nacho, spills more cheese on himself, then did something legends are made of. He pulls out a box of ciggys, casually lights one up and smokes it. Not a hurried drag or a power drag, but he takes his time and enjoys every last drag. Not once during this does any security personnel approach him, nobody seems to be able to grasp what he was doing. When he finished his smoke, he put it out in his nacho cheese, got up, and went on his way like nothing happened. I'm pretty sure he was getting ready for warmups to start, not knowing he slept through most of the fucking game. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Télévision Canadienne

Après le fait de regarder la nourriture canadienne pour le jeu Sauvage ce soir, je déteste le Canada plus que jamais. Oubliez le fait que le Sauvage a perdu à Curtis baisant Sanford, le hosers l'action du jeu était le plus grand homers que je voyais jamais .

To sum up the gibberish above, the Wild got beat by Curtis Fucking Sanford tonight. And i have never hated Canada more. The only good thing about watching a hockey game from a Canadian feed is the commercials. No saved by zero bullshit, no subway, no brett favre, simply beer and hockey. Other than that, they are a bunch of retarded eskimos. The between period commentators actually made this comment after the first period: "the Canucks probably risked playing Sanford tonight since the Wild are only going to get a half dozen shots on goal per period at the most." Quick fact: shots after 1 period - Wild 9, Canucks 8. Now don't get me wrong, i'm sure this guy was pounding Kokanees throughout the period and probably took a few breaks for a parliament (no offense russel), but really? you honestly think they sat the butler from mr. deeds because the Wild don't take many shots on net? really? it sounded like widman trying to argue about how good the bears are. absolutely brutal. now the commentators during the game realized early on that the reason they started the retard was simply because luongo played last night, but the guys between periods, not so much. getting back to the commentators during the game, they weren't anything to write home about either. What happened to the guy the canucks used to have call their games who also provided the voice for every NHL game on X-box over the years? he was money. used to make real games feel like we were sitting at the old duplex in forks watching fee run up the score on latvia or some such shit.

keep your eyes open for some money posts saturday. the warden is hosting a michigan/ohio state party and while normally i couldn't give two shits less about that, the game starts at 10am arizona time so i'm in for another full day of drinking. i'm going to try to steer clear of the sailor jerry as long as possible, but we all know how that will play out.

also, taking a puck to the head is no excuse for not posting a gopher puck preview. god knows none of us wants to read any type of anything from skippy, but he's been pining for a chance to be the go-to guy for gopher hockey on here. we all know how that will go. well if not, here's how i see it...

Gophs match up well with the Denver Tigers this weekene.d. i probly wont see much of the game since ill be hammering away at some rookie puss all night, but they should probably sweeeeeeeeeeep! thats right, you heard it here first, 6 points for the gophs this weekend. and wtf und? the suzies are gay! hahahahaha lol skippy out

gave me crabs just typing that. or maybe it was hammy's mom, i can't remember. don't let us down russel.

Goldy/Becky Preview

The #7 ranked Gophers travel to Madison this weekend to take on the unranked Badgers. Wisco has started the season 0-4 and are giving up about 6 goals a game. I bet they wish Brian Elliot was still around. They do have some talent on the blue line, though, featuring junior Jaime McBain, highly-touted freshman Jake Gardiner, and sophomore Ryan McDonagh, whose name has been mentioned in Gaborik trade rumors. Minnesota's forwards looked very fast last weekend against JBSU, so we'll see if UW's D can keep up. Up front, Wisco will look to have some new faces pick up the scoring lost with the possible season ending injury to Ben Streete.

Minnesota needs to continue playing an up-tempo game. As already mentioned, they appear to be a very fast team. Minnesota's D seemed solid last weekend and were able to contain JBSU's top scorers. Aaron Ness made a few freshman mistakes, but looked pretty composed. At this point it looks like David Fischer should be back in the lineup. From what I read, Wisco's forwards aren't all that fast, but they are big. We'll see if Minnesota's undersized D are up to the task. Up front, Minnesota had consistent play from every line. Carman, Lucia, and Flynn are a solid line that can match up against anyone. Hopefully the Stoa, Barriball, and Schroeder line can heat up and put some more points on the board. Lastly, the Gophers are solid in net for the first time in years with sophomore Alex Kangas, who stopped 49 of 52 shots last weekend for a save percentage of .941 and a GAA of 1.50. Look for him to be steady again this weekend.

My heart wants to say the Gophers sweep this weekend, but my head says it will be hard to sweep on the road, and Wisco has to win sometime, so a split is more likely. I am going to be optimistic and predict Minnesota takes 3 points.

And Hammy, if there are any typos you feel the need to point out, go fuck yourself.

Team Qatar

We just got back from the world cup of beer pong, and i must say it was a complete traveshamockery. Team Qatar (me and kendra) rattled off 4 straight wins in pool play to earn a #1 seed in the medal round. All four pool play games had been played on a regulation 8 foot table, and we had no problem doing away with Mexico, Peru, Iceland, and the Parts Unknown team. Once pool play was over, we were re-seeded and set to play Argentina in the medal round. They were the #2 seed from pool 2, and had posted a meager 2-1-1 record to get there. This would seem like a cake walk for the Qatari's, until the tournament director stepped in and had other ideas. This game was moved to a 12 foot table inside, apparently to satisfy the throngs of spectators able to gather around the table. Also, instead of playing 6 cup pong, the medal round shifted to a 10 cup layout. Fucking gay. Needless to say, we were down quick, with Argentina hitting the first 5 cups before we were on the board. Despite having 5 cups on the table with them a-holes shooting at their last cup for the win, we battled back to get it squared up 1 cup to 1 cup. Then the mother fucker nails a rainbow shot to seal the victory. I could've pissed on him. Ok, i did piss on him. He shouldn't have been standing there. I was asked to leave at that point. We ended up with nothing despite a 4-1 record, which just goes to show you that i'm drunk and i suck at beer pong. The gophers are up 1-0, i'm too lazy to check other scores tonight. we're heading out to another kegger at some point, and i'm drinking morgan right now, so this is goodnight. I am hoping to wake up tomorrow and see a new post recounting skippy's latest conquest of puss, but it's more likely Hammy will be requesting bail money. either of which will make me happy. giggity giggity.

Random Observations

Didn't get a chance to watch the first game of the year, we were busy trying to get kicked out of Jobing.com Arena at the Coyotes opener. After watching one period tonight, a few observations:

1. Mikko Koivu is a stud. I'm guessing if he stays healthy he puts up more points than Gunner does for NAPA this year.

2. There is almost as many people in my living room as there is at the game in Atlanta.

3. Hockey without HD blows.

EDIT

4. Skoula is a waste of space. I completely agree with Russel on this one. Horrible.

On an unrelated note, Hammy and Mrs. Hammy fly in tomorrow morning. I won't be online, but I'll try to take pictures of the gong show that will be us. Until next time, stay hot C-town.

My guess is Notch-O!

Ok, so i answered the question before it was asked.

As far as I remember (and i've drank atleast 15 beers in my life, so take it easy if i'm wrong) yesterday was Skippy's B-day, and today is Hammy's B-day. Again, this is not confirmed, but I haven't heard anything contradicting either fact as of yet.

On a side note, does the retard in that picture up above look a lot like a certain girls hockey coach from C-town? i think so.

Crookston Daily Times

Okay, I have to admit. This post has nothing to do with the Crookston Daily Times and which Altepeter family is having supper at which Erdmann family's house, or who's doing the best at raising horses near Gentilly. No, it's not about any of that. And it's not about workbenches, or Skipper, or Skipper and Burt Reynolds, or Burt Reynolds and workbenches. It's about clarification.

Who's birthday is it, Hammy or Skippy's? Or is it both. I guess it doesn't matter, cause whomever's birthday it is, I wish to send the same message: Have a crappy Labor Day and I hope your house burns down. Also, you masturbate to Nordy the Mulleted Bear. Also, happy birthday.

Go Get 'em Tiger!

Hey guys, whats up! It's your buddy Jeff Heywood here, i'm in prison in Indiana for "allegedly" touching a little boy "inappropriately". i say if he don't say no it aint inappropriate! HAHAHA not to mention i had read somewhere that 12 year old boys were legal. anyways,

Here's a picture from my days as Scout Leader of Troop 442 up in C-town! You might recognize the young whipper snapper I'm handing the trophy to - it's none other than C-town's own Hammy!!! Thats right folks, it's back in '93 and i'm takin some time off from running the Jehova Church up there and it aint baseball season, so what the heck am i supposed to do? well i run into the Hammy family at Piggly Wiggly one night and the ol' lady says to me they need a scout leader. now since little Hammy looked up to me so much, i couldn't turn down the opportunity. long story short, hammy took like 5th or 6th in the bumper bowling event we put on, so you can see him above receiving his participation trophy. nobody really thought that retard was getting a real trophy did they? well shit. he didn't. in closing, happy birthday you old retard. and if you're ever down near Terre Haute stop in (we got them conjugal visits now!)

"Jehovah" Jeff Heywood

Happy Birthday Resident Retard!!!

It's that time of year again, when the air seems cooler and the buses seem shorter. Our own Hammy is born today. well, not today THIS year, but today nonetheless. it's a time for celebration for retards around the globe. C-town has been receiving birthday greetings to pass along to Hammy all morning, so i'll try to get some of them up here before too long. In the meantime, happy birthday retard. and here's hoping you peed your bed last night.

new Fargo, ND Church

Not sure what religion, if any, that you guys are into, but I thought I would share with you this new church that my buddy Hammer time opened. I think this would be a great place for Skippy to have a coming out about re-opening his balls and buttholes bar.

Fore!

Well, good news and bad news.

Bad news - contrary to popular belief, i have not been sleeping on any train tracks nor visiting crooks lately. hopefully both will change before too long.

Good news - i've been out drinking on the links a bunch since the twins got eliminated. oh, and playing some golf too.

this is probably the worst time of the year for Minnesotans who are displaced and can't make it to a UMC football game. Frankly, without UMC football, there is nothing to watch worth a damn. Every year from the time the twins season ends until gopher hockey starts, life is pretty damn boring. yesterday it was a cool 92 degrees when we got to the course. managed to get in 9 holes and 12 beers. would've been more like 18 holes and 6 beers, but there was a high school meet going on so it was slow as skippy on skates.

oh yeah, and i'm done with school at 12:45pm tuesday through friday and at 12:05 on mondays. should lead to many drunken afternoons on the golf course.

i'm also taking a day off next wednesday as the newly neutered Hammy is making a pit-stop in Phoenix on his way to horny time south of the border. i doubt we'll do much drinking when he's here. oh man i almost typed that with a straight face. in reality, we'll be at the bar by 10am betting on the horsies. ok, thats enough for now. fuck you all.

Finally Friday

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, with the Royals in town i'm more excited about the drunk calls i'll inevitably get from skid and/or hammer tonight. Although Liriano is pitching so that's fun. Oh, and i got drunk with Mark Teahen last year when he was down for spring training, so that's pretty sweet. Probably won't be drinking much tonight, the Gophs game is on at 9:00 am tomorrow here, which equals a long day of drinking.

also of note - sox are losing in the 1st against cleveland. and AJ is still a homo.