Back in the Loop

Well, as Russel finally pointed out to me this morning, my email account was fucked up and I didn't receive any email forwarded from my U account like I normally do. Because of that, I wasn't getting updates when things were posted on the blog and just assumed that it was dead and nobody gave a rats ass anymore. Which you probably don't, but as long as somebody still wastes 30 seconds a day checking out this shit hole I guess I can keep posting useless information that will inevitably make you feel smarter. This post won't do that though. I'm a busy mother fucker and I have shit to do. That couch isn't going to keep itself from floating away, not on my watch anyways. Punto sucks, Gardy is gay, Skippy is fat. Peace out.

Oh Canada!

So I'm stuck watching the Wild on a Canadian feed again tonight. Thanks FSN. Boogaard is basically chasing May around the rink every time he's out there, well both times he's been out there. During one of these chases, the Maple Leaf anouncers had some dyn-o-mite banter going back and forth. To sum it up, the play by play fag was talking about how Boogaard doesn't get into too many fights anymore because everyone in the league knows he's trying to hurt people when he fights. huh? The color guy jumps in and says something to the effect of "no shit sherlock". The first fag must've realized he sounded like skippy explaining the left-wing lock because at that point he circled the wagon and tried to justify his comment. not a good idea. it went something like this: well, you know most players when they fight are trying to set the tone, not necessarily hurt the other player. Boogaard is just too big for that, if you get in a fight with him, there's a good chance you'll get hurt. The 2nd guy must've wanted to slap that homo, instead he threw down a comment asking if he thought they should shadow box or something like that and the queer had no response, just dropped the topic. awesome. this is the shit you expect to hear when listening to people in phoenix talk about hockey, not so much torontonites. i'll assume thats what they're called. if not, they should be.

enough about that, did anyone else get any text messages from the feever this weekend? i have one on my phone with the quote "hextall for hobey". not even kidding. i would love to see a post on here with some reasoning behind that. the floor is yours feever.

and to quote russel and explain the picture above, when referring to blake "he'll always look like the result of a botched abortion." couldn't agree more. In keeping with the retard theme, there's a new poll on the right for coolest retard in C-Town history. There's been some good ones, but I think if you were putting together an all-star team these would be at the top of the list.

Ask and you shall receive...

Due to popular demand. Ok, just Melsh as far as i know, but he's pretty popular in his own right. Here's the tentative itinerary for the week:

Thursday December 11th
10:07am - Beav, Skippy, and Russel fly in to Phoenix
10:30am - Arrive home
10:45am - Drink beer in backyard, play beer pong
3:45pm - Arrive at Jobing.com Arena and begin tailgating
7:00pm - Wild vs Coyotes

Friday December 12th
Noon - Wake up
1:00pm - Golf
5:30pm - BWW or another bar
7:00pm - Bonfire at home

Saturday December 13th
Noon - Wake up
1:00pm - Golf
3:30pm - Funugyz or another bar
5:00pm - Gophers vs Colorado College
8:00pm - Salty Seniorita's or another bar

Sunday December 14th
8:00am - Wake up
9:00am - Arrive at University of Phoenix Stadium and begin tailgating
2:00pm - Vikings vs Cardinals
2:15pm - Skid asked to leave stadium
5:30pm - The Gym or another bar
8:00pm - Bonfire at home

Monday December 15th
???? - Retards head back to Minnesota

I'll try to update throughout the weekend, but there's no guarantee i'll be able to recognize, let alone use a computer.

By the way, the picture above could represent any and all of us at any point this weekend.

A Team Named Sue

Updating the USCHO rankings today, and them indians from north dakota no longer have a number in front of their name. That makes me giggle. That got me to thinking about how bad the final five is going to suck for Feever with nobody to cheer for. Also got me thinking back to the good ol days when a trip to the final five didn't involve a flight and was a yearly occurance. Ah, the memories. Here's my top 5 that i can remember. Keep in mind i was blackout drunk the majority of the time spent there, so these might not be accurate. Also, if i leave any out, feel free to add your own. I also have a couple other stories, but i can't remember if they happened during final five or at the state high school tourney, so i'll leave them off the list. we'll consider these honorable mentions; Greens picking his nose on the jumbotron, freddy throwing a beer bottle right through the hotel window, russel getting his jacket stolen from inside the ghetto hotel room, and yours truly getting cut off at a bar. it may or may not have been noon as previously reported by Hammy, i can't seem to remember the details. anyways, here's my top 5 final five stories:

5. Barry Bergan at some bar down the street from the X. If you haven't seen BB put on a show, you don't know what you're missing. Not to mention the fact that he was accompanied by Wade "the blade" demarais. There's a guy i miss. Anyways, Barry was stumbling drunk and wanted to know which titty bar was the best to get some "extra attention". He had collected about 30 of those strip club cards they hand out on the street and was flipping through them asking which one i thought he should go after. The guy is a legend.

4. Jimmy Johns. No real story here, but my god were they delicious at 2am. And i'm pretty sure Skippy had sex with his sandwich on TK's floor.

3. Riding the dueling zambonis with Beav. This also isn't much of a story, mainly because none of you other fuckers were at the arena yet when we did it. It was still pretty sweet. Also, i need to include the 94 times the Curlett was on the jumbotron. I swear to god he was sucking off the camera guy because he was up there every other stoppage. Fag.

2. Feever! Here's a bit of advice for anybody going to the X for any event: If the usher/security guy tells you to stop swearing and stop spilling your drink, don't do the following. Feever says he's sorry, won't happen again, proceeds to stumble a bit, spills his drink damn near on the guy's foot, then says something to the effect of "oh fuck i'm sorry" needless to say he was not around for the end of that game.

1. The mother of all Final Five stories, hands down number 1. We were all witness to the only person to ever have a full ciggy inside the Xcel Energy Center. Let me set the stage here, Sioux vs Gophers, jam-packed arena, we're at the bar row more than likely hammered as shit. Some old dude walks up behind us with his nachos in hand, cheese all over his shirt, and sits down in the lounge chairs behind us. Nothing unusual there, those are some sweet chairs. Game is underway, and the son of a bitch old man decides to take a fucking nap (read: pass out). I don't remember exactly when it was when he came to, but i know he slept through a couple goals, which equals loud as you can imagine in there. Fucker wakes up, kind of looks around as we're all laughing our drunk asses off at his perplexed look. He then reaches down and has a nacho, spills more cheese on himself, then did something legends are made of. He pulls out a box of ciggys, casually lights one up and smokes it. Not a hurried drag or a power drag, but he takes his time and enjoys every last drag. Not once during this does any security personnel approach him, nobody seems to be able to grasp what he was doing. When he finished his smoke, he put it out in his nacho cheese, got up, and went on his way like nothing happened. I'm pretty sure he was getting ready for warmups to start, not knowing he slept through most of the fucking game. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Télévision Canadienne

Après le fait de regarder la nourriture canadienne pour le jeu Sauvage ce soir, je déteste le Canada plus que jamais. Oubliez le fait que le Sauvage a perdu à Curtis baisant Sanford, le hosers l'action du jeu était le plus grand homers que je voyais jamais .

To sum up the gibberish above, the Wild got beat by Curtis Fucking Sanford tonight. And i have never hated Canada more. The only good thing about watching a hockey game from a Canadian feed is the commercials. No saved by zero bullshit, no subway, no brett favre, simply beer and hockey. Other than that, they are a bunch of retarded eskimos. The between period commentators actually made this comment after the first period: "the Canucks probably risked playing Sanford tonight since the Wild are only going to get a half dozen shots on goal per period at the most." Quick fact: shots after 1 period - Wild 9, Canucks 8. Now don't get me wrong, i'm sure this guy was pounding Kokanees throughout the period and probably took a few breaks for a parliament (no offense russel), but really? you honestly think they sat the butler from mr. deeds because the Wild don't take many shots on net? really? it sounded like widman trying to argue about how good the bears are. absolutely brutal. now the commentators during the game realized early on that the reason they started the retard was simply because luongo played last night, but the guys between periods, not so much. getting back to the commentators during the game, they weren't anything to write home about either. What happened to the guy the canucks used to have call their games who also provided the voice for every NHL game on X-box over the years? he was money. used to make real games feel like we were sitting at the old duplex in forks watching fee run up the score on latvia or some such shit.

keep your eyes open for some money posts saturday. the warden is hosting a michigan/ohio state party and while normally i couldn't give two shits less about that, the game starts at 10am arizona time so i'm in for another full day of drinking. i'm going to try to steer clear of the sailor jerry as long as possible, but we all know how that will play out.

also, taking a puck to the head is no excuse for not posting a gopher puck preview. god knows none of us wants to read any type of anything from skippy, but he's been pining for a chance to be the go-to guy for gopher hockey on here. we all know how that will go. well if not, here's how i see it...

Gophs match up well with the Denver Tigers this weekene.d. i probly wont see much of the game since ill be hammering away at some rookie puss all night, but they should probably sweeeeeeeeeeep! thats right, you heard it here first, 6 points for the gophs this weekend. and wtf und? the suzies are gay! hahahahaha lol skippy out

gave me crabs just typing that. or maybe it was hammy's mom, i can't remember. don't let us down russel.

Gopher Hockey Recap

I thought this was Russel's department, but since he is nowhere to be found, i'll assume he's out burnin through some rubs with an innocent young coed and i'll chime in.

if you missed the game tonight, you suck. this was one of the best college hockey games i've seen in quite some time. up and down the ice all night, good flow, great scoring chances at both ends, and it all led to a 2-2 tie. the one difference i noticed from previous gopher games this year was no ref had sheppard or hunt on the back of his jersey. wherever they got these guys from, they need to keep recruiting there. i don't remember any penalty call making me think "ticky tack" which is a good thing because thats pretty gay.

i just went to take a piss and sneezed twice in the middle of the piss. i had to wipe when i finished. not sure if the sneezing triggered a relaxing of the sphincter or not, but it happened. kind of reminds me of my 21st birthday when i was puke-farting in the backyard at weiner's place. good times.

superbad is on now. looks like i'll be up drinking for another 2 hours. also good times. probably going to regret it in the morning, but you can't win em all.

Happy Birthday to Everyone's (well Russel's anyways) Favorite Wild Player

That's right folks, on this day back in 1979 our resident stalwart on the blueline was born in a little town called Litomerice, CZE. I think thats the Czech Republic, but I'm not 100%. Doesn't really matter, I know what Russel will be up to tonight. Hitting the hottest night club in St. Paul hoping to run into the one and only Martin Skoula. Or Skull Krusher as Russel calls him probably. Anyways, whatever you're up to on this fine Tuesday evening, take a moment and thank the heavens that 29 years ago an angel was sent down to patrol the Wild blueline. Happy Birthday Skull Krusher.

Where's Russel?

I was expecting a full on preview of the Gopher hockey season from Russel today. Way to shit the bed buddy. Anywho, I'm in a beer pong tourney tomorrow so i can't get black out drunk tonight. dissapointing i know. if i can figure out how to turn on the computer tomorrow i'll probably have some great words of wisdom during the gophs game. don't count on it.

Game Time

6:57
Go Rays. Fuck me. I blame it on the coin flip. yeah, let's go with that.

6:55
guess me and gardy are on the same page. unfortunately kubel didn't get the memo we put him in there to get a hit. 1 down. span up.

6:51
alright, this is it. the white, right-handed dennys reyes coming in. don't forget we beat that fat fucker not more than a week ago. don't count on it again though. regardless i'm throwing in another rally chew. the last one was gay. have faith in the grizz.

6:45
not to look ahead to the 9th with nathan coming in, but you've got to imagine gardy will pinch hit for gomez. i expect to see kubel if it's still within 1. atleast he gives you a shot to tie. gomez on the other hand, not so much. then you got span and casilla. casilla might as well put his bat away as well. buscher, get warm.

6:40
Ok, i lied. what the fuck? punto hits a nubber to short that kalpakof could've fielded and then jogs to first to get doubled up. out of all the times to see that little midget slide into first, this would've been the time. but no. he checks up about halfway down the line and coasts. not even close at first. gay. and that brings his batting average against danks to about .075. nice move gardy, let's play him. might as well bring in guerrier and seal this thing.

6:39
I'm not even going to say anything on that one.

6:36
That wasn't a mistake that Stockton just stated, Harris' single with 1 out in the 8th was their SECOND hit of the game. to quote Harry Doyle, "two hits? two god damn hits!? i'm outta here."

6:33
Fat Mexican II gets out of the jam. Twins have got 6 outs left in the season if they don't get their shit together.

6:25
Great game by blackburn, unfortunately the combination of Danks being as good and the Twins hitters taking their retard pills before the game = not good results. Gardy bringing in Fat Mexican II to pitch to pierzynski. if that homo gets a hit here i'm gonna be sick. mijares has a snoose can in his back pocket. i'll assume it's tequila flavored grizzly.

6:19
Been a hell of a season. hopefully their team plane crashes on the way to tampa bay.

6:15
Six fucking pitches. thats what it took for Danks to get through the 7th. SIX! holy shit balls. he's pitching on 3 days rest, the sox have only two relievers who are worth a shit, it's a 0-0 game in the 7th, and we get him through an inning on six fucking pitches. fucking gay.

6:13
Harold Reynolds just absolutely over-analyzed a throw to first by pierzynski. talking about a make or break play. on a bunt. by joe mauer. he's almost half way to pissing away the batting title. if this game goes about 15 innings your batting champ is dustin pedroia.

6:10
Another beauty of an inning from blackburn. time for a rally chew.

6:09
I'm also sick of dick stockton mispronouncing Jason Wise's first name. it's Jay-son.

6:05
Did i mention i hate Pierzynski? and per Russel's comments from the comments section: yes cal ripken has definately let himself go. i'd still rather see him in there than punto. he doesn't even need a uni, just send him up there in his suit.

6:00
Beer me.

5:49
back to the game. twins have a threat in the 5th. Unfortunately that fag pierzynski hangs on to the ball on a collision at home with cuddy. Brings back memories of Hunter mauling the sox catcher a few years ago. Jamie Burke maybe? doesn't matter at this point, AJ just struck out so he can settle the fuck down and go make out with Uribe.

5:46
Just got off the phone with the one and only Skippy. says he's workin at the lick tonight and can't watch the game. what a fag. Also wanted to know where i got the picture of him from christmas last year when he got his new nun-chuks. i stole it out of his mom's dresser when i stayed over at her place this summer. also got some undies out of the hamper. it was glorious.

5:42
Twins dodge a bullet after Casilla wastes a double play chance. looks like my calling ability is right on par with bert's. now if i can just catch up to him in the beer department i'll have made something of myself. I'm on number 7 right now, he's probably in the 18 pack range already. i've got a lot of growing up to do.

5:34
And in the tradition of my boy Bert Blyleven, i'm gonna make a call. The sox will hit a HR this inning. i've just got a bad feeling. and Dye is on first, so i'm calling the twins being down atleast 2-0 after this inning. hopefully my calls are as accurate as bert's, he's 0 fer the century.

5:32
The Twins come back with an impressive inning at the plate, forcing Danks to throw 9 fucking pitches. and 7 of those were to mauer who struck out for the second time. It's innings like that that make me wonder if i really wanna watch these fuckers play more this year. ok, that's a lie. if they weren't on right now i'd definately be sober, probably watching family guy reruns. god my life is pathetic.

5:29
Mauer must've read in the papers that he needs to go 0-7 in order to piss away the batting title. he's well on his way with an 0-2 so far.

5:26
Jason Wise pops out to end the inning; a beauty from Blackburn. Sox look like the twins, 7 pitches necessary to put em down.

5:23
I can't get over how much i hate Juan Uribe with that gay blonde pubic hair patch on his chin. Good thing AJ can't grow facial hair or he'd probably have one too.

5:21
That was gay. Beer me.

5:09
AJ shits the bed with 2 runners on. 2nd inning crisis averted. Moving along. Due up for the twins: Timmy Anderson, Casey English, Ray Swatzel. It's go time!

5:05
Flava-Flav! That is one skinny black man. God i hate these fuckers.

4:58
Well that was neat. Cody Grivno, Ben Fiero, and Scott Waxvik would've put up a better fight that inning than Morneau, Cuddy, and Delmon. fuckin gross.

4:52
Dye is up, i should mention that his kid goes to school down here. If i wasn't so fucking lazy i probably would've kidnapped the little bastard. good thing dye sucks anyways so it shouldn't matter.

4:47
forgot to mention earlier that Harold Reynolds has taken time out of his hectic Sport Fucking schedule to join the booth tonight for TBS. hopefully he can keep his hands off of dennis eckersly long enough to get through the game. that dennis has the sweetest mullet/porn stache combo that would make any school boy drop to his knees.

4-3-6-3-6 Double Play! fuck me and fuck the sox.

4:46
so much for a quiet inning. blackburn just hangs a big fat breaking ball that barry altepeter could've laced into the gap. cabrera manages to line it to left. thank god altepeter wasn't up.

4:45
The announcer on TBS just called Mauer "Bauer". i didn't realize Danny Strommen was playing tonight. Shitty luck on a liner with the runner going bailed out the sox there. mauer must've missed the double play because he swung like there was a runner on first when he got up. heading to the bottom of the inning, blackburn needs to get through this one quietly.

4:36
Well, here we go. As suspected, the retarded midget is starting at short. Not surprised. I still see the twinkies getting worked tonight, but if they can get a couple early and shut up the fucks in the stands it'll definately help. must be "take a tard to the park" night in chicago, there is a lot of goofy lookin bastards in the stands. If the next entry is at 4:40 and says the sox are coming up, i'm quitting and getting drunk.

"black out" is also retarded and to top it off, the team didn't get the memo and is wearing white. god they're gay in chicago.

Also, i miss bert and his drunken antics on the air. Name me anybody else who dropped two F-Bombs on live TV during a telecast.