Hey Feever, your phone is in your pocket!

See, it's there in the right cargo pocket. Make sure you get it before throwing the shorts in the wash. Oops.

Good Riddance Mrs. Madden

The whole Favre saga appears to be over, but I'll believe that when opening day gets here. Now Brett will be free to go on an extended honeymoon with new husband John Madden. What a cute couple.

Also, for those of you unaware, the Vikes are out here again this year on December 6th, and the Wild are down here the following day. Should be a repeat of the shit show last year when someone who will be left unnamed was escorted out of the Wild game and then downed 30 beers before and during the Vikes game. What a champion.

Back in the Loop

Well, as Russel finally pointed out to me this morning, my email account was fucked up and I didn't receive any email forwarded from my U account like I normally do. Because of that, I wasn't getting updates when things were posted on the blog and just assumed that it was dead and nobody gave a rats ass anymore. Which you probably don't, but as long as somebody still wastes 30 seconds a day checking out this shit hole I guess I can keep posting useless information that will inevitably make you feel smarter. This post won't do that though. I'm a busy mother fucker and I have shit to do. That couch isn't going to keep itself from floating away, not on my watch anyways. Punto sucks, Gardy is gay, Skippy is fat. Peace out.

The Answer???

Billy Heywood turned the Twins around in "Little Big League." Why can't it work this season? And I'm sure Doc will agree, he's better than Gardy.

Anyone up for a game?

Oh yeah, this is what we needed...

Apparently the bullpen was running out of ways to fuck up a lead or their gopher balls weren't going far enough. Nope, they just had to fuckin bring him back...that's right boys and Skippy, the Crain-wreck is back. I'm guessing he'll be in tonight in the 7th and give up a half a bushel. Man, do I love the Twins.

Is he doing what I think he's doing?

Here we have a candid shot of our own Doc doing what he does best: golfing while shitting himself. Talk about multitasking. Good thing he wore gym shorts instead of cargos or something somewhat respectable. Those things will rinse right out.

Thank you Jose Guillen

Apparently Jose Guillen's questionable slide in an attempt to break up a double play has left the retarded midget a bit sore. Hopefully he ends up on the 60 day DL.

Where do you homos stand???

Let's get some conversation rolling on the Vikes, knowing that a few of us are going back to AZ to watch the shitshow in December. If/when that homo Favre signs with the Vikes, how many of you ass clowns are with me on hating the Vikes? I've grown up hating that fucker and consider him in the same class as punto when it comes to foosball. I can't see myself rooting for his gay ass, throwing 3 picks a game, and the Vikes trying to comeback in the last 2 minutes of every game. Just my opinion but fuck Favre, bring back Fran Tarkenton or Warren Moon.

It's Gonna Take More Than The D.L.

The Twins thought they had their Punto problems solved by putting him on the DL, unfortunately he's a crafty little fucker and still is finding ways to help the Twins lose games. It didn't take long for him to have an impact in the game yesterday, as you can clearly see him doing his best to interfere with Mauer trying to make a catch near the Twins dugout. The ball dropped and the next pitch was hit over the fence. Punto - 1 Twins - 0. Somebody just needs to break both his legs or shoot him, get it over with so we can move on.

For Those Who Were Sleeping or Drunk

You missed quite a game last night. Ole Gardy was up to his usual tricks and tried everything in his power to get a loss, but the Mariner's left fielder was up to the challenge and made sure to get the Twins a 10 inning win to kick off a big road trip. The bullpen continued it's impressive run by throwing four scoreless innings and the only hit given up was a doinker that Gomez misread and probably should've caught. Forgive him, he's dumb. Liriano also probably saved his spot in the rotation by pitching a solid 6 innings. Gardy did try a suicide squeeze in the 10th inning. Good in theory, but probably not the best idea with Tolbert at the plate. Also they might wanna change the sign for the squeeze as the Mexican-Chinese manager from the Mariners called for a pitchout and hung Mauer out to dry. This isn't as much fun being positive. Fuck it, I'm sure I can find something to bitch about. Oh yeah, here's 3 things that should never happen in any game, yet they all occured last night...

1. Brian Buscher starts a game. With Punto out, he's quickly becoming the new Punto. He doesn't seem to have control over Gardy like Punto does, but anytime this clown is in the lineup it's depressing. I say send him down and call up Todd Kalpakof. I hear he's hitting almost .300 again this year, also plays SS like a young Ron Coomer.

2. Sacrifice bunt with Span. This one probably caught the fearless leader off guard. Who would have thought that Gomez or Casilla would get on base, let alone both of them. Yet that's exactly what happened last night in the 3rd inning. Both of the above mentioned re re's beat out infield hits, bringing Span up with nobody out. Now if Casilla, Tolbert, or really anybody except Mauer is hitting behind Span, ok I can understand the bunt. Chances are you're going to need a sacrifice fly or wild pitch to get a run in that situation. With the lineup the way it is, let your leadoff hitter, who is batting over .300, swing away. Over his career, Span has hit into 6 double plays (less than 1% of his AB's) so you can pretty much take that out of the equation. Now the worst you're looking at is Mauer coming up with runners on 1st and 2nd and 1 out. Of course he's prone to hitting into the routine 4-6-3, but he's also just as likely to hit a gapper and knock in both runs.

3. Try to steal second with 2 outs and Mauer at the plate. Again, Mauer has a slugging percentage of .833 and is extremely likely to deliver an extra base hit. Unless Ricky Henderson is at first and Santiago Casilla (look it up, he's real, that's him at the top of the post. also, he's pitched over 100 games and never caught anybody stealing or picked anybody off) is pitching, it just isn't worth it.

One other thing, since when do the Twins play Saturday afternoon games every damn week? Thanks once again to Fox's "Nationally Televised Games" I won't be tuning in today, but I'll definitely be drinking so that should be fun. Oh yeah, if you haven't seen the Hangover yet, do it as soon as possible, it's good.

Can you DH for an outfielder?

It's been too long since someone has posted something about the Twins, so I thought I would take it upon myself to post something. Here it is: different day, same song. Carlos Gomez and Delmon Young are the worst hitters in the major leagues. Seriously, I'm pretty sure they would strike out if they were "hitting" off a tee. Good god. Not only do they strike out constantly, they do it on 3 pitches that usually aren't even close. I am all for getting up there and taking your hacks, but jesus christ learn to take a pitch once in awhile. I couldn't care less about Gomez's defense. Yeah, it's great he makes some clutch catches, but it wouldn't be such a big deal if he would drive in a few runs to extend a lead. I am not going to comment on Young's defense other than he should be embarrassed that the only praise he has ever gotten was for being too slow to get to a fly ball and playing it well off the wall against the Rays.

Side note: The only reason I am not including that stupid fucking sad sack of shit Nick Punto in the group is because I recently found out he's on the DL. By far the best thing he has ever done for the team. Stay hurt, ya little gremlin.

Thanks Ron

If there's one thing Gardy is good at, it's providing material for every Twins fan to have something to bitch about on a nightly basis. You all know who I'm talking about, it's no secret that I'm not a fan of Punto's. Regardless, some more venting about the little idiot.

Here we are again. Another day and another start for your gay little ass. Of course you'd be in the lineup after getting a hit in one straight game. In fact, you ballooned your average all the way up to .193 yesterday. Let's not dwell on the positives though, you also picked up your team leading 4th error of the year. Feels good to lead the club in something, doesn't it? And not to be outdone by yourself, you already notched #5 in the first inning tonight. Your 5 errors are over 1/4th of the total errors the Twins have this year. You do realize that when you lead the team in errors you really shouldn't be at the bottom of every offensive category possible. In the last 10 days or so, we've all seen you boot balls around, throw balls into the stands, get caught stealing, fail to get sacrifice bunts down, pretty much failing to do everything a "role player" needs to do to keep getting his name on the lineup card. You're a special one though, no matter how asinine it seems to put you in the lineup, ole Gardy makes sure it happens on a nightly basis. Now I'm not busy, so here's just a few more stats to help shut up the few fans you have left. And trust me, there are some. I hear from them everytime you get a hit, usually about once every other week. Anyways...

So far you have 26 total bases on the year. 23 hits, 3 doubles, zero triples, zero homeruns. Nice. The closest player to you in total bases is Jose Morales. Remember him? He was up for awhile when Mauer was out, racked up 53 at bats (less than half as many as you) and has 22 total bases. He also has no major league experience, yet you're considered a veteran. Act like it.

Ok, so you're more of a singles guy. When I think of singles hitters, I think of guys who must steal a bunch of bases to get themselves into scoring position. Think again, cockface. Your total steals of 4 this season are in a dead heat with none other than Michael Cuddyer. Granted it's hard to steal bases when you only get on base twice a week, but that should put an end to that argument anyways.

Pretty much the only other aspect I've heard people argue in your favor is defense. Unfortunately, the stats lead us to believe that you are utterly useless in this aspect as well. With your throw tonight that sailed over Morneau's head, your fielding percentage dropped to a pathetic .949. This puts your rank among shortstops at 68th out of the 84 players who have time at short this year. Jesus fucking Christ.

Timeout, you know who is at the plate right now. Let's live blog it.

Pitch 1 - called strike
Pitch 2 - called strike
Pitch 3 - ball high
Pitch 4 - ball in the dirt
Pitch 5 - ball high (got excited as it almost struck you in your mouth)
Pitch 6 - pop out to short

Typical AB for you. Nice to see you make the pitcher work a little. Nick Green could've caught that with his ball sack and it wouldn't have hurt, but you put it in play alright. Your average dropped a point to .192 and with a typical game you should be back in the .180's by the end of the night.

That's pretty much it for now, please do us all a favor and kill yourself.

Seriously, spontaneous combustion doesn't happen to humans, Gardy

Gardy, once again thinks that if a pitcher hits 100 pitches he will blow up, killing thousands. So tell me he pulls Santana after 7 shutout innings...right. So Thursday afternoon, Blackburn throws 82 pitches in 7 shutout innings, pulled for Mijares who surrenders a run. Slowey throws 92 pitches into the 8th, leading 11-2 and gets yanked Friday night. Tonight, Swarzkistan is throwing a gem and again yoink. Let's hire a manager that wears a uniform for chirst's sake.

And if the lineup from tonight deviates (save Kuebel for Boucher), Gardy confirms all accusations that he's a freakin moron. 37 runs in 3 games, Mauer stays in the 2 hole, enough...end of discussion and Punto was traded for a dog. They are having a lottery to see who gets to shoot the dog. I bought 2000 tickets.

Tid bit: Watching baseball tonight. The 1992 Blue Jays might have been the all time league leader in total mullets. Wow.

Click here to throw up

Here.

Yes we know him....

Your hooker's real name is Nick Nolte.

Anyone Recognize Her?

If any of you guys visited this hooker last time you were down visiting, don't bother looking her up in December. Apparently she was arrested for prostitution recently and died in prison yesterday. RIP Snaggletooth.

Trade Offers

With Breslow claimed off waivers by the A's I think it is time for the Twins to start shopping the rest of the bullpen around. Here is a package deal I would offer to any team in the league: Crainwreck, Guerrier, and throw in Punto just to get rid of that fucker. Any GM might balk (pun intended) at the high price he is likely going to have to pay for this trio. Little does he know they will come cheap. Bill Smith should offer them up for a bag of chalk and six used bases. Square deal if you ask me. The dome doesn't require much chalk so you could probably get at least half a season out of one bag and the bases give you some bargaining power. Six is too many? Fine, we'll take five.