MLB Free Agency

I know I'm more than likely just dreaming of the possibility, but Nick Punto's name is among those filing for free agency on the first day possible. If I never have to see that little homo slide head first into first again, it'll be happy times for me.

Gophers vs. Mavs

vs.

I'm not going to do a preview on the Minnesota/MSUM series because I'm lazy and I know nothing about Mankato, other than their goalie is good and the town smells like rotten potatoes. And if you see what looks like a drunken moose dressed in a Gopher jersey in the stands, pour one out for your boy Skippy.

My Hero John Daly

Here we see John Daly's latest mugshot. He was arrested after passing out at a Hooters. This is one guy that could look at Doc and honestly say, "Get to my level."

Wild @ Stars

Wild Starting Lineup (fom what I've seen, might not be official)

G - Jamie McLennan
D - Brad Bombardir
D - Lubomir Sekeras
W - Sylvain Blouin
C - Darby Hendrickson
W - Maxim Sushinski

1st Period - *vomit*

They've brought back a collection of stiffs from 2000-2003. These were the guys on the ice when they hoped to eke out a 1-0 loss. Fucking disgusting to watch. I flipped over to the World Series for the time being. On a side note, I'm pretty sure Beav based his play in men's league on Sylvain Blouin and the way he carried himself on the ice.

UPDATE

Ok, Philly just won as Erik Hinske struck out. Erik Hinske? Yep. And the funny part is he was pinch hitting for Bartlett. I'm pretty sure Bartlett was voted the Rays MVP this season. And they pinch hit for him with 2 outs in the 9th down by one in an elimination game of the World Series. Not that I really care, and probably would've missed it if the Wild weren't busy shitting themselves, but still.

And another fun fact, the Wild are no longer perfect on the penalty kill this season. Probably won't be the only NHL team without a regulation loss after tonight either as they're getting worked 4-1 right now by the Stars.

On the bright side, it's Thursday tomorrow. Which means after that its Friday. Go ahead and check your calendar Skippy, I'm not fucking with you.

MMA Undercard

As a precursor to the epic Notch-O vs. Chilly MMA fight, I propose we have Joe Finley and Martin Skoula battle to the death in an old fashioned knife fight. An artist's rendition is below.

Mystery Child

Well Folks, it looks as if the first born child of the young Skippy and Maureen is about too pop out. I am still in disgust from her walking around at the Park Shop Halloween party like this, but Skippy said his insurance did not kick in for a few days so they needed to delay the child birth.
As you can see, Skippy has not been doing his BUSH Maintenance on his lady. Lots of work on the workbench will really tire a guy out.

I have spoken to other members of the park shop/water department who think the child may be Jeff Burke's as him and Skippy were known to frequent M-town's Va JJ after natcho breaks at the now defunct 7-11/Kum & go.

The city is using the money from the towns recent midnight madness to send all three to a showing of Mauri where both will battle it out for parental rights.

Happy Birthday to Everyone's (well Russel's anyways) Favorite Wild Player

That's right folks, on this day back in 1979 our resident stalwart on the blueline was born in a little town called Litomerice, CZE. I think thats the Czech Republic, but I'm not 100%. Doesn't really matter, I know what Russel will be up to tonight. Hitting the hottest night club in St. Paul hoping to run into the one and only Martin Skoula. Or Skull Krusher as Russel calls him probably. Anyways, whatever you're up to on this fine Tuesday evening, take a moment and thank the heavens that 29 years ago an angel was sent down to patrol the Wild blueline. Happy Birthday Skull Krusher.

Random Thoughts

1. They took down the bleachers at Lincoln about 8 years ago. Might want to find a new venue for the Notcho v. Chilly MMA match. Someone check and see how much the Ralph is for the end of February or early March. It doesn't look like there will be any post-season hockey being played there, so it should be wide open.

2. The Wild are undefeated in regulation, but Skoula still sucks.

3. All this informational crap along the top and right side smacks of effort. Get lazy you ambitious bastard.

4. Skipper will be spending the weekend in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. Although Pizza Patrol is relieved they won't get a drunken call from him during his cab ride, they are worried they won't be able to make rent next month as a result of missing his order.

Sidenote: They will probably still get a call from him, which will result in confusion and stuttering when they explain they can't deliver to St. Paul.

5. I can't decide between Rock Band 2 and Guitar Hero World Tour. Any advice?

Halloween 2008

I stumbled into a private costume showcase for the Skipper last night and bumped into this guy. He did a great job of selling the outfit by looking like he just rolled out of bed after getting a call to go bust some really slow ghosts. I wanted to take some video of the fashion show but Skipper's security was pretty tight. I did, however, manage to sneak a shot of the guard.

MMA Fight Card

Now, the last thing I would want to do is cause physical harm to my buddy's future father in law, and the second to last thing I would want to do is dignify these remarks implying that I am a utterly futile human being, physically speaking, but I do have a good idea for the theme. I just can't resist.

It could be called "Island Kitchen Battle Royale". We would bring the infamous island from Chilly's Kitchen up to Lincoln Field and put it in the cage with us. The drawers would be fully stocked with knives and whatever else he might have in there. Whoever wins the fight, as an added bonus, gets the island to put in their kitchen. I guess Chilly doesn't have much to gain from that proposition, but he probably could afford another one anyway. Adding weapons would definitely legitimize my ability to cause physical harm to another living thing, so that would be a bonus for me as well. Let me know what you guys think.

Oh, backup plan: If we can't get his island in the cage, we just substitute in Skipper's workbench.

thoughts from the weekend

no real rhyme or reason here, just some random thoughts.

1. college hockey needs to rethink the penalty calling situation. i could've sworn dale stainbrook and a severely hungover dusty mjoen were reffing the gophers games. there was absolutely no flow to either game, it really looked like an nfl game with a penalty happening on just about every play. gay.

2. speaking of dusty mjoen, i hear that him and trevor brekken are reffing the winter classic game at wrigley this year. expect them to show up 5 minutes before the drop of the puck still drunk. maybe brandon boetcher can do the lines. talk about an all-star lineup.

3. gopher football is fun to watch again. i'm sure they can still find a way to lose two more games and end up in the redtube.com porno bowl in december. the only thing that sucks balls is that every game this year except one has started at 11am central. not too bad unless you live in arizona and 11am central translates to 9am. good thing when i woke up yesterday i was still drunk from friday night so i didn't have to work too hard to hit .24 by the half.

4. i can't find my debit card. i'm pretty sure i left it at the bar last night. note to self: when you leave the bar at 2am make sure to close out your tab and take your card back. i know this seems like an easy task, but remember who this is. now picture me at 2am on a saturday night. keep in mind this day started before 9am and i was still drunk and had a 32 ounce glass full of morgan coke in my hand. all of a sudden the simplest tasks don't seem so simple.

5. bought a new fire pit friday after work. this led directly to the 9am wakeup still drunk part of the weekend. i'm pretty sure if i didn't run out of beer i would've still been sitting out there when the gophers game started saturday morning. and if i wasn't out of wood and too lazy/hungover to go buy more, i'd probably be out there right now.

6. vikings didn't lose today. brad childress more than likely used the extra time to touch some little boys. god he looks like a pedo. and i'm pretty sure notch-o could kick his ass.

7. watching the world series so far and all i know is butch schleicher and sherm tollefson could be doing a better job umping. they have like 14 umps out there and yet still have managed to look like retards on more than one occasion.

8. wild are in town next saturday. not sure if the game will be on tv up there, but if it is make sure to keep your eyes open for an 'indian on welfare check day drunk' retard in a red wild jersey making a complete ass of himself. i'm not saying, i'm just saying. and tune in early, i'm not sure if i'll be there the whole game. not because i'll voluntarily leave early, but i've seen a few drunks get hauled out of that arena before. and we all know what kind of show i can put on if i put my mind to it. look out liver. if they kick me out you can bet everything you own that i'll go out firing cuss words at the elderly security guards. fuckin bed shitters.

9. if anybody wants to put it together, i really think we should try to line up a notcho vs chilly MMA fight. we could probably sell out lincoln field. yeah thats right, i'm talking an outdoor cage match. someone come up with a catchy name for it. and if anyone gets a chance, cruise by lincoln and see if there's any bleachers left up there.

10. dan wheeler is to the rays what matt guerrier is to the twins. garbage water.

11. with only 5 shopping days until halloween, the sluttiest of all holidays, make sure to charge up your cameras. submit your best pics from the weekend, and whoever posts a picture of the dirtiest slut will win a dirty pair of panties from the dirtiest slut of all, (insert someone's mom's name here). good luck.

12. if you're wondering about the picture at the top, i am too. i googled 'random shit' and that popped up. i think its macgyver. he's pretty sweet.

my fingers are tired and my brain hurts. i'm going to bed.

MN (choking) WILD

This picture reminds me a lot of the Wild game last night, or Skippy on a random Saturday afternoon, with pictures of Doc's mom below him on the workbench. At times last night, Martin Skoula looked like a young Joe "make hockey time" Finley out there...both being walked around in the same matter Skippy walks around the work bench stalking his young prey. Mr. Miller also scored his first NHL goal last night, too bad it happened to be in his own net. WOW, felt bad for that guy. Wild gave up two goals in about a minute span...it appeared to me that they went into the Minnesota Vikings Prevent Defense...there was shit all over the ice, I have not seen a good bed shitting like that in yrs.

SIDE NOTE: LET'S GO GOPHERS!!!!

Sioux Weekend Preview

Because this is a diverse blogsite, not completely dominated by one college hockey team, I thought I'd do a Sioux weekend preview.

The Fighting Sioux are off this weekend, and as we all know, these are typically the most eventful weekends for the players and fans. This couldn't be more true this season in particular. With aspirations for a WCHA title at a six-year low, expectations for misdeamenors are at an all-time high. I haven't been following too closely this season, but I'm sure there are some Canadian "freshmen" (read: 26 year olds) who have just been itching to get to buck-fifty pitchers at sensations since they rode into town on their family mules. Also, Vandevelde, while talented, is certainly looking to bust out of the shadow of former teammate TJ "not M, not N, but..." Oshie. Look for him to pick up a minor while driving and follow it up by an arrest for public urination outside of Red Pepper at 4am the same night.

While it's tough to predict exactly what will go down, one thing is for sure: There will be a house party, and JPL will be sitting quietly in the corner, drunk as hell, creeping out everyone.

I am a Sioux fan, and I refuse to give up hope at this point in the season. But if they're going to be bad, they can at least entertain us with their off-ice antics.

Goldy/Becky Preview

The #7 ranked Gophers travel to Madison this weekend to take on the unranked Badgers. Wisco has started the season 0-4 and are giving up about 6 goals a game. I bet they wish Brian Elliot was still around. They do have some talent on the blue line, though, featuring junior Jaime McBain, highly-touted freshman Jake Gardiner, and sophomore Ryan McDonagh, whose name has been mentioned in Gaborik trade rumors. Minnesota's forwards looked very fast last weekend against JBSU, so we'll see if UW's D can keep up. Up front, Wisco will look to have some new faces pick up the scoring lost with the possible season ending injury to Ben Streete.

Minnesota needs to continue playing an up-tempo game. As already mentioned, they appear to be a very fast team. Minnesota's D seemed solid last weekend and were able to contain JBSU's top scorers. Aaron Ness made a few freshman mistakes, but looked pretty composed. At this point it looks like David Fischer should be back in the lineup. From what I read, Wisco's forwards aren't all that fast, but they are big. We'll see if Minnesota's undersized D are up to the task. Up front, Minnesota had consistent play from every line. Carman, Lucia, and Flynn are a solid line that can match up against anyone. Hopefully the Stoa, Barriball, and Schroeder line can heat up and put some more points on the board. Lastly, the Gophers are solid in net for the first time in years with sophomore Alex Kangas, who stopped 49 of 52 shots last weekend for a save percentage of .941 and a GAA of 1.50. Look for him to be steady again this weekend.

My heart wants to say the Gophers sweep this weekend, but my head says it will be hard to sweep on the road, and Wisco has to win sometime, so a split is more likely. I am going to be optimistic and predict Minnesota takes 3 points.

And Hammy, if there are any typos you feel the need to point out, go fuck yourself.

Found this in the archives. Thought some might enjoy it.

Puffy

It's good to see my boy Puff looking good in his mug shot. Reminds me a lot of the Doctor, "Jake you must of had a really good night." says the dispatcher "But your car was spotted on highway 220 north." He was heading up to Canada for some french fries and gravy.

Better Dead Than Red

I might do a series preview later in the week if I get really bored.

A few items on Monday's list

A. someone please tell me that UND realized, how bad bad, big, Dumb, Joe "make hockey time" Finley is. I see he did not dress all weekend.
B. please check out this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWt1tGTHdkc explain to me, what in the hell this offical is doing
C. Gopher football team somehow cracked the nations best list.
D. St. Cloud needs to stop saying that next year is going to be the year, they were already mentioning that after the weekend sweep.
E. It looks like the Gopher hockey team has the speed of skippy in bed with Doc's mom.
F. the wild need to trade Gabby this week.

Team Qatar

We just got back from the world cup of beer pong, and i must say it was a complete traveshamockery. Team Qatar (me and kendra) rattled off 4 straight wins in pool play to earn a #1 seed in the medal round. All four pool play games had been played on a regulation 8 foot table, and we had no problem doing away with Mexico, Peru, Iceland, and the Parts Unknown team. Once pool play was over, we were re-seeded and set to play Argentina in the medal round. They were the #2 seed from pool 2, and had posted a meager 2-1-1 record to get there. This would seem like a cake walk for the Qatari's, until the tournament director stepped in and had other ideas. This game was moved to a 12 foot table inside, apparently to satisfy the throngs of spectators able to gather around the table. Also, instead of playing 6 cup pong, the medal round shifted to a 10 cup layout. Fucking gay. Needless to say, we were down quick, with Argentina hitting the first 5 cups before we were on the board. Despite having 5 cups on the table with them a-holes shooting at their last cup for the win, we battled back to get it squared up 1 cup to 1 cup. Then the mother fucker nails a rainbow shot to seal the victory. I could've pissed on him. Ok, i did piss on him. He shouldn't have been standing there. I was asked to leave at that point. We ended up with nothing despite a 4-1 record, which just goes to show you that i'm drunk and i suck at beer pong. The gophers are up 1-0, i'm too lazy to check other scores tonight. we're heading out to another kegger at some point, and i'm drinking morgan right now, so this is goodnight. I am hoping to wake up tomorrow and see a new post recounting skippy's latest conquest of puss, but it's more likely Hammy will be requesting bail money. either of which will make me happy. giggity giggity.

And Boom Goes the Dynamite

Click here to watch Skipper's brother attempt to do the Ball State sports update.

Scoreboard bitches!

I put up a scoreboard on the right hand side, i'll probably put all WCHA games on there and any other interesting ones, like when #2 Michigan loses and i can laugh at idiots from Michigan.

This scoreboard talk reminds me of a time when a certain C-town hockey player pointed at the scoreboard during a JV game and "taunted" the other team with the scoreboard chant. Now normally there wouldn't be a big deal with this, high school kids are retarded. The only problem, however, is that we were losing like 5-0. The opponent was obviously confused and proceeded to inform the C-town player that they were, in fact, winning. With this comment, our wizard-like C-towner responded, "yeah, but only by five, we suck and you should be up way more than that." pure genius.

Now I don't have any soiled boxers to give away for this contest, but what i do have is an old jock strap that may or may not have been worn by david perala during JV football in 1997. It's on the table for whoever responds first (in the comment section of this post) and tells me the name of the C-town hockey player who starred in the scoreboard story above. good luck, this thing is a beaut!

Bro's before Ho's

Ok, so Russel left us high and dry to go chase some tail. I'm too lazy and sober to really get into this, but I'll keep some updates going anyways.

Gophs up 3-1 with about 7 minutes left in the 3rd. SCSU is on their TENTH power play right now. way to go Dale.

And the Sioux are down 4-1 to Mankato. good stuff.

SCSU scores to make it 3-2 with a couple minutes left in the 3rd. Fags.

Timeout Fags with 1:14 to go. Oh, and they're on the power play again. why not.

Gophs hang on for the win despite a flurry at the end. I hope Russel is having fun sport fucking because he missed a doozie of a finish. After watching Kangas i'm pretty sure he was drunk all game long. i would've bet on overtime at any point after the 2nd husky goal. somehow they got the win, and for the opener that's all that matters. and the sioux are still losing.

On a side note, make sure to read Russels post from 7:50. i'm not about to judge anyone, but c'mon man. that's gross.

You Can't Spell Sucks without SCSU

9:09
Huskies are bringing some pressure, but I am afraid my blogging must end. I am going to hang out with some hot chick that is likely not going to blow me. But miracles happen everyday. Let's go Gophs!!

Second Period Recap
2-1 Minnesota.

Sloppier play than the first. SC controlled the majority of the play. Mostly because Minnesota was taking more penalties than Matt Murphy and Brandon Simmons. Again, I think if the Gophers stay out of the box they should be able to pull this one out.

8:50
Gophers kill the the 2 man PP through the end of the second.

8:48
FUCK, Fairchild takes an even dumber one. SC 2 men up for a minute and a half. Seems like MN wants to lose this one.

8:47
Lucia takes a dumb one. SC gets a third straight PP.

8:46
No goal. That took way too long. Note to Huskies fans: the puck has to cross line to be a goal. And Bob Motzko is really ugly.

8:38
Another SC apparent goal waived off right away. We'll see what the review says. I say no goal. 2 pipes but no goal.

8:36
SC on another PP. Who cares, they suck.

8:32
STOA buries a short-handed chance. I'm pretty sure he was looking in the slot and shelfed one on Wasalonski, who was on his knees faster than Hammy at a gangbang. 2-1 Minnesota.

8:30
Husky PP, so what.

8:26
Note to Minnesota: Woozaloosky is wearing a chest protector. Don't try and shoot throught it. Go around.

8:24
Huskies cheat. MN on the PP.

8:21
Nice passing play between Hansen, Bostrom and Matson. Of course they don't score though.

8:19
Too much talk about a Marvin. And I farted again.

8:14
This is tough to watch. Very choppy play. Sacchetti takes one out of Joey Corbin's play book and puts one over the glass from below the dots.

8:08
second has started and SC is now on the PP.

First Period Recap
1-1
Lucia for the Gophers. Swanson I think for SC, I don't really care who it was.

MN is controlling play for the most part and have an 18-5 advantage in shots, but they have to stay out of the box. Doesn't look like the Huskies can keep up with the Gophers team speed. Ness and Schroeder are looking good so far. I think Schroeder was trying to shoot through people on that last PP. Hopefully Kangas got the dumbass goal out of his system.

I'm too lazy to look up other scores, but I can update you on this: 3 beers and 1 jacks down. And I'm pretty sure Woog said something about preferring 8 inchers. What a sick bastard.

7:50
Period break. Anyone else find Doc's mom strangely attractive?

7:49
Scrum in front of the SC net. I have no idea what these penalties are. How are they not off-setting? somehow it's 4 on 4.

7:45
4 on 4.
Gophers now on the PP, 5 on 3 for a bit. Ness drew a hook, but missed his first scoring opportunity.

7:43
Fairchild takes an interference penalty. SCSU on the power play. I realize that is redundant.

7:39
Huskies goal is waved off. I think this is a bad call so I am going to leave what I had written in preparation for a goal call:

Huskies score one off a hand, a knee, and a pipe. For dumb. This stinks about as bad as the fart I just ripped. I'm pretty sure that could peel paint.

7:29
huskies are going on the power play. carmen takes a slashing call. hockey is a lot tougher to blog than baseball.

7:27
1-1. Kangas had his head up his ass. Fuck me.

7:25
Huskies get their first shot on net with less than 11 minutes to go in the first. It did not go in.

7:22
Tony Luuuuuuuuuccciiaaa!!!! Gophers connect on the power play. Walensky or whatever SCSU's goalie's name is shit the bed big time. I think Pete Reck could have picked that corner after falling down and breaking his stick getting up.

7:21
Gopher power play. Hopefully it's improved since last year.

7:20
Both teams look like garbage.

7:14
Gophers are dominating the play so far. A lot more pressure than last year, which is good to see. They've generated a few scoring chances, nothing really quality yet. SCSU still doesn't have a shot on net.

7:10
Anyone know if the Ramsey County jail has cable so Puffy can watch the game tonight?

7:05
Couple minutes before face-off for the Gopher WCHA opener at St. Cloud. God that town sucks. I hope it gets annexed to Canada in the near future. All I know is Kangas is going to have to play big, Roe and Laasch can score. Really looking forward to see what Ness and Schroeder can do. With that said, I have an 18 pack of Mich Golden, a full pack of cigs, and a jack's in the oven. Let's get it on!

Where's Russel?

I was expecting a full on preview of the Gopher hockey season from Russel today. Way to shit the bed buddy. Anywho, I'm in a beer pong tourney tomorrow so i can't get black out drunk tonight. dissapointing i know. if i can figure out how to turn on the computer tomorrow i'll probably have some great words of wisdom during the gophs game. don't count on it.

It Could Be Worse

When I got downtown today, half of 5th and hennepin was blocked off, delaying traffic for about 10 minutes. This didn't upset me all that much, but it meant I had to park in a different ramp than usual. It cost me an extra $2, a minor inconvience in the grand scheme of things. You might be wondering why the streets were blocked off and why I am telling you all of this. Well, the cops shot someone in the ramp I usually park in. Let me tell you a bit about this parking ramp: the first 2 levels are where all the cops in Minneapolis park. So that means this dude was being chased by the cops and he decided to run into a ramp with tons of cop cars in it. Logic would say where there are cop cars, there are cops. What a fucking dumbass. He deserved to get shot.

I’m stupid Joe, look at me!

Talk about retards, I happen to run across a picture this morning of the BIG, DUMB, Joe Finley. This guy is absolutely dipped in shit. He is to the Sioux, what Marty Skoula is to the Wild, what skipper is to the work bench, what beer is to a reservation, what Punto is to the Twins…all complete train wrecks waiting to happen. I am curious to see, how many times, can this retard, blow his load this yr. and fuck a game up for the fighting tribe. He may be more of a liability on the ice than Sean Kelly knees are on a day to day basis.

A Not So Random Observation

Skoula fucking sucks. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Skoula fucking sucks. He's the Nick Punto of the Wild. Seriously, it's like watching Dave Gordon on skates. He should have been traded for a used puck bag and six practice jerseys a long time ago.

Random Observations

Didn't get a chance to watch the first game of the year, we were busy trying to get kicked out of Jobing.com Arena at the Coyotes opener. After watching one period tonight, a few observations:

1. Mikko Koivu is a stud. I'm guessing if he stays healthy he puts up more points than Gunner does for NAPA this year.

2. There is almost as many people in my living room as there is at the game in Atlanta.

3. Hockey without HD blows.

EDIT

4. Skoula is a waste of space. I completely agree with Russel on this one. Horrible.

On an unrelated note, Hammy and Mrs. Hammy fly in tomorrow morning. I won't be online, but I'll try to take pictures of the gong show that will be us. Until next time, stay hot C-town.

Cast of Characters

Hobbs.

Schmidtty (look up Florida A&M's old bball coach for explanation).

Porter.

Anonymous member of this blog who may or may not have orchestrated the described jailbreak.

Inmate #270000964

The following is taken directly from a document dated 09/09/07, just over one year ago. It was recently discovered tucked away in a folder labeled DBHB. If any of you have any information about the contents of this document, it would be greatly appreciated.

Just kidding, this is actually the final installment of the one and only DBHB and I thought it warranted an entry into C-town history. If anyone has a problem with this posting and would like it removed to protect the "innocent" just shoot me an email and i'll take it down. otherwise, enjoy...


Well, it’s finally here. Tomorrow I’m out. I don’t know if I can handle on the outside anymore. I’m what the smart man in the white coat will call “institutionalized”. I’m thinking of planning a jailbreak and getting caught on purpose. Or trying not to get caught. It would be pretty fun trying to organize a jailbreak and make it all the way to Mexico. Hopefully I can get there before Bush erects his thousand mile four foot tall chain link fence. Cause that’ll keep me out. Good try, W. Not with the Dems in the Senate! Even if I get caught, I fall back into the arms of my newly found adopted mother: the state penal system.

Not saying that I’ll do it, but here’s how it would go down…

First, I’d assemble a crew. Schmidtty’s a given. He’s clearly got some anger issues, and he may become distracted by trying to break his probation terms and harassing his ex again, but I think he can be trusted. We’ll need Porter for muscle. He’ll probably abandon us eventually, but he’d be instrumental in getting us out if we had to unexpectedly use strong-arm tactics to bust out. Mr. Potato Head Man would for sure be coming with, but he actually was released like a week ago. I’m keeping my fingers crossed he f-ed up again and is sitting back at the big house right now, but it’s unlikely. We need four at least to have a good running crew. Five gets too bogged down, and with only three there’s never a clear cut majority on big decisions. It’s always two to one. That’s usually questionable. When you’ve got three to one, there will be less dissent. That’s why for my fourth, I’m going with Hobbs. He’s quiet, not too opinionated; I’m guessing if I needed to sway a vote, I could convince him pretty easily. Plus, “Go Hobbs, Yeah!”

The plan is simple: Walk out the front door. Okay, not that simple. We want to delay the inevitable discovery of our escape for as long as possible so we can have traveled as far towards Mexico until the very quick, very adept, guards figure us out. Schmidtty and I get out early, which will play to our advantage. From what I understand, Porter usually sleeps in until like 1pm, so nobody will miss him for a while. Probably until dinner at 1645 hours (military time for 4:45pm). Hobbs is a different matter. He has STS (sentenced to serve). He goes to work everyday around 8am and works with a crew that is led by one of the guards. We’ll need some collusion from some others with his alibi. We should be able to get one of the 19 year old punks to tell the crew leader that Hobbs isn’t coming because he has diarrhea. Should be believable; Hobbs is f-ing disgusting. He gives out these horrible, loud belches that originate in his lower intestine. “Go Hobbs, Yeah!”
We’ll have to steal some clothes and pillows to make it look like people are under the covers in both Hobbs’ and Porter’s beds. That shouldn’t be too difficult. There’s enough extra standard issue clothing out there to lump up on the beds. We’ll break for it in the morning. I’ll get out at my usual 540 hours. They buzz me out from the office, and at that hour, it’s pretty dark even in the hallways. Porter will hide around the corner, and when I get buzzed out I’ll open the door wide. If he ducks low enough, they won’t be able to see him leave with me. We’ll wait for Hobbs to sneak out using the same method with Schmidt when Schmidtty gets let out twenty minutes later. Then, we take Schmidtty’s Bronco and head West on 94. Schmidtty is key because he’s the only one who has his drivers license and a vehicle there. He didn’t get a DUI, you’ll remember; he just creeps out chicks to the point of involving the authorities. We still love you Schmidt! Now let’s go hop in your car!

We’ll go west until we get to Montana. That will throw them off. Plus, in Montana, there are no laws. At least that’s what I gather from this one Hallmark movie I saw on Lifetime about ten years ago starring Wilford Brimley, I think. I have not really looked at many roadmaps, but I’m sure from Montana, Mexico is a straight shot south. I’m guessing even before we get to Montana, Porter will be bored, or we will have forgotten him at a gas station somewhere. That or he will be arrested again on suspicion of something. He’s African American. Hobbs will be drinking, and Schmidt and I will have realized he has become a liability, and develop a plot to leave him passed out at a rest area somewhere in the Rockies.

At that point, anything could happen, really. And it probably will! (I smell a sitcom!)

Well I guess it’s time to retire my keyboard, and bid you adieu. I think you for patronizing me and reading my blogs. I don’t think jail would have been nearly as fun or humiliating without you. OUT.

Skid keeps his M and Ms on his desk so no one takes them...

Yes you do Skippy, yes you do.

Here's a little help with your job, as well. I know it's tough to tell who just got an email. I mean, everybody's got the same beep, and you're all the way across the hall sittin' on the workbench talking to the HR chick. Now, you go to this website, it'll cut down on the confusion. Don't say I never did anything for you.

www.ringtones-direct.com/true-tones/3137_52-Congratulations-Skippy-Youve-Got-Mail.htm

Also, you can check this one out. Kind of a morale booster, I guess. Depends on how you look at it.

http://momisright.blogspot.com/2005/12/congratulations-skippy.html

I stumbled upon these gems testing out Google's search algorithms, so it's not wierd. Okay, it's a little wierd. It's been a long day. "Algorithms" is a fancy word some other fancy word, which slips my mind at the moment... Damnit... Oh yeah, workbench.

My guess is Notch-O!

Ok, so i answered the question before it was asked.

As far as I remember (and i've drank atleast 15 beers in my life, so take it easy if i'm wrong) yesterday was Skippy's B-day, and today is Hammy's B-day. Again, this is not confirmed, but I haven't heard anything contradicting either fact as of yet.

On a side note, does the retard in that picture up above look a lot like a certain girls hockey coach from C-town? i think so.

Crookston Daily Times

Okay, I have to admit. This post has nothing to do with the Crookston Daily Times and which Altepeter family is having supper at which Erdmann family's house, or who's doing the best at raising horses near Gentilly. No, it's not about any of that. And it's not about workbenches, or Skipper, or Skipper and Burt Reynolds, or Burt Reynolds and workbenches. It's about clarification.

Who's birthday is it, Hammy or Skippy's? Or is it both. I guess it doesn't matter, cause whomever's birthday it is, I wish to send the same message: Have a crappy Labor Day and I hope your house burns down. Also, you masturbate to Nordy the Mulleted Bear. Also, happy birthday.

Labels

So i just went back and read through all the posts that didn't include labels and updated them accordingly. Skippy has what some might consider a commanding lead with 22 posts that mention him at least once* For those of you wondering, workbench is in 2nd place with 9.

* most mention him many times and include how disgusting he is on all levels of life.

Go Get 'em Tiger!

Hey guys, whats up! It's your buddy Jeff Heywood here, i'm in prison in Indiana for "allegedly" touching a little boy "inappropriately". i say if he don't say no it aint inappropriate! HAHAHA not to mention i had read somewhere that 12 year old boys were legal. anyways,

Here's a picture from my days as Scout Leader of Troop 442 up in C-town! You might recognize the young whipper snapper I'm handing the trophy to - it's none other than C-town's own Hammy!!! Thats right folks, it's back in '93 and i'm takin some time off from running the Jehova Church up there and it aint baseball season, so what the heck am i supposed to do? well i run into the Hammy family at Piggly Wiggly one night and the ol' lady says to me they need a scout leader. now since little Hammy looked up to me so much, i couldn't turn down the opportunity. long story short, hammy took like 5th or 6th in the bumper bowling event we put on, so you can see him above receiving his participation trophy. nobody really thought that retard was getting a real trophy did they? well shit. he didn't. in closing, happy birthday you old retard. and if you're ever down near Terre Haute stop in (we got them conjugal visits now!)

"Jehovah" Jeff Heywood

Happy Birthday Resident Retard!!!

It's that time of year again, when the air seems cooler and the buses seem shorter. Our own Hammy is born today. well, not today THIS year, but today nonetheless. it's a time for celebration for retards around the globe. C-town has been receiving birthday greetings to pass along to Hammy all morning, so i'll try to get some of them up here before too long. In the meantime, happy birthday retard. and here's hoping you peed your bed last night.

Garth Snow Can Eat a Dick

Last year Garth Snow used Don Lucia's apparent inability to develop Kyle Okposo as the reason he left in the middle of the season. Well Garth, Blake Wheeler not only made the Boston Bruins opening day roster, he scored a goal in their season opener against the Avs. Lucia discussed Wheeler making the roster at media day and had this to say, “We must be doing something right here.” A not so subtle middle finger to Mr. Snow.

Skipper! This guy stole your catch phrase! And your identity! He's writing bad checks left and right! Let's get him!

Don't worry, based on this photo, he's obviously good friends with the man in the green shirt, who I think abducted Hammy one weekend in Glenwood (Uncle Jeffy). All we need to do is find Uncle Jeffy, and have him track down Skippy's nemesis. Then Skippy takes back his identity, lays into this guy (as if he were a workbench), eats a few elephant ears, and calls it a night. Who's coming with me?

Skipper = Genius

Skipper says:

i wish we could still get tix for the series at the Ralph

Skipper says:

Siouzzie vs. gophs

Russel says:

there are some on stub hub for $250 each, pretty sure i'd rather watch in weiner's garage

Skipper says:

haha, yeah no shit

Russel says:

we should see if fee can get some through his old man

Skipper says:

Frank?

new Fargo, ND Church

Not sure what religion, if any, that you guys are into, but I thought I would share with you this new church that my buddy Hammer time opened. I think this would be a great place for Skippy to have a coming out about re-opening his balls and buttholes bar.

Congratulations Skippy!

10/9/2008
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Moorhead, MN - According to his website, www.moanjorlan.com - Adam "Skippy" Morlan is prepared to reopen his bar in Moorhead. The bar, formerly known as the I-Beam, will simply be called "Skippys Gay Bar" for it's second run. When contacted by reporters, Morlan said he was "ecstatic to finally have a place to get together with his other gay friends. And what better way to 'come out' with the announcement than on my b-day." Look for the full story to be released Friday.

Fore!

Well, good news and bad news.

Bad news - contrary to popular belief, i have not been sleeping on any train tracks nor visiting crooks lately. hopefully both will change before too long.

Good news - i've been out drinking on the links a bunch since the twins got eliminated. oh, and playing some golf too.

this is probably the worst time of the year for Minnesotans who are displaced and can't make it to a UMC football game. Frankly, without UMC football, there is nothing to watch worth a damn. Every year from the time the twins season ends until gopher hockey starts, life is pretty damn boring. yesterday it was a cool 92 degrees when we got to the course. managed to get in 9 holes and 12 beers. would've been more like 18 holes and 6 beers, but there was a high school meet going on so it was slow as skippy on skates.

oh yeah, and i'm done with school at 12:45pm tuesday through friday and at 12:05 on mondays. should lead to many drunken afternoons on the golf course.

i'm also taking a day off next wednesday as the newly neutered Hammy is making a pit-stop in Phoenix on his way to horny time south of the border. i doubt we'll do much drinking when he's here. oh man i almost typed that with a straight face. in reality, we'll be at the bar by 10am betting on the horsies. ok, thats enough for now. fuck you all.

found the doctor

We seem to have lost Doc, well dont' worry, I located him outside Crooks last night. Looks like he has drank himself into a drunken native after the Twins loss.

If someone can make sure he is not sleeping on the tracks anymore at night, we will all be better off.

Nobody wants to blog anymore. Good, good. More for me and you. (workbench).

God's Gift to Hangovers

Here it is folks, Taco John's breakfast burrito. Quite possibly the finest food ever made. I'm pretty sure it's what God has for breakfast. If they made it all day I would probably eat it for every meal. I think they put crack in it.

Skoula Sucks

Once again Skoula shits the bed. He damn near took out Josh Harding's eye with this brilliant move. How does this guy get any playing time? He's horrible. All he ever does is fuck up. Damn it Jacques, everyone else sees it, why don't you?