Friday, July 31, 2009

Where To Begin?

First of all, if you've ever seen Whale Wars, this is going to make a whole hell of a lot of sense to you. If not, go watch a couple episodes and come back. From now on, Ron Gardenhire will be referred to as Paul Watson II or just PWII. They look alike, they sound alike, and holy shit are they both worthless at what they do. Paul Watson I is the highly inept "captain" of the whale wars ship and routinely gets confused and scared and hides in his office when decisions need to be made. Pretty much PWII in a nutshell. What a fucking joke. Oh, and when I say "captain", I include the quotes because he calls himself that, but really isn't a captain. Just like we call Gardy the "manager" at times. goofy bastards.

Anyways, moving on. I think I forgot how much I hated Crainwreck when he left for 5 weeks. What a fucking bum. He actually makes me hate Nick the retarded midget a little bit less. Don't get me wrong, I hate him lots, but he only costs the team 3-5 outs per game while Crainwreck more times than not guarantees defeat when he steps on the field. Not shitting, the Twins are 10-18 when he pitches. I checked. And in his 28 games this season, he's allowed at least one run 13 times. Compare that to Nathan (not really fair, but I don't give a shit so blow me) who has allowed a run in only 4 out of the 44 games he's pitched in. Add all that up and you've got an ERA that is once again flirting around eight and what should be a one-way ticket to Japan.

He didn't dissapoint tonight either. Check this shit out:
Batters faced - 4
Hits allowed - 3
Walks allowed - 1
Earned Runs - 3
Outs Recorded - 0
ERA jumped from 6.65 to 7.83

Remember when Ayala was here and was the poster boy for abortion? Yeah his ERA at the time he was placed on waivers was 4.18, almost half of what we're looking at here with this dipshit. Sean Henn was sent packing with a disastrous 7.15 ERA and yet here we are, 2 games back in the division, entering August, and that faggot cock bag Paul Watson II still sends this fucker out there in the 10th inning with one run already in and 2 more runners on. You can't make this shit up. As noted above, he was charged with 3 earned runs. What wasn't mentioned is he also allowed both inherited runners to score. Fucking magnificent.

At this point I'd rather see them add a couple more starters and split the games in half. Starting pitcher #1, your job is to get through 4 innings. If you fail to pitch 4 innings, Dickey or Mijares come in. The fifth inning will be starting pitcher #2's territory. His job is to get through 8. If he fails to do that, you have either of the two pitchers mentioned above or Guerrier for relief. Nathan has the 9th, end of story. No longer do we have to watch Baker throw 4 2/3 hitless innings and leave the game trailing 6-2. Crain is never to be heard from again. I like this. I'll even put together a pitching rotation so PWII doesn't get confused.

Day 1 - Baker and Anthony Slama (4-2 2.72ERA 84K's in 59IP in New Britain)
Day 2 - Blackburn and Armando Gabino (3-2 2.84ERA in Rochester)
Day 3 - Liriano and Swarzak
Day 4 - Slowey and Duensing or Mike Gosling (7-1 3.77ERA in Rochester)

8 Starters and 4 relievers. Duensing looked good as a starter the other day and hopefully just needs to stretch out a bit, if not you have Gosling and it's hard to argue with that win loss record. You could even keep keppel around for emergency relief. As my boy Bubbles would say, fucking decent.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Hey Feever, your phone is in your pocket!

See, it's there in the right cargo pocket. Make sure you get it before throwing the shorts in the wash. Oops.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Good Riddance Mrs. Madden

The whole Favre saga appears to be over, but I'll believe that when opening day gets here. Now Brett will be free to go on an extended honeymoon with new husband John Madden. What a cute couple.

Also, for those of you unaware, the Vikes are out here again this year on December 6th, and the Wild are down here the following day. Should be a repeat of the shit show last year when someone who will be left unnamed was escorted out of the Wild game and then downed 30 beers before and during the Vikes game. What a champion.

Back in the Loop

Well, as Russel finally pointed out to me this morning, my email account was fucked up and I didn't receive any email forwarded from my U account like I normally do. Because of that, I wasn't getting updates when things were posted on the blog and just assumed that it was dead and nobody gave a rats ass anymore. Which you probably don't, but as long as somebody still wastes 30 seconds a day checking out this shit hole I guess I can keep posting useless information that will inevitably make you feel smarter. This post won't do that though. I'm a busy mother fucker and I have shit to do. That couch isn't going to keep itself from floating away, not on my watch anyways. Punto sucks, Gardy is gay, Skippy is fat. Peace out.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Answer???

Billy Heywood turned the Twins around in "Little Big League." Why can't it work this season? And I'm sure Doc will agree, he's better than Gardy.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Anyone up for a game?

Oh yeah, this is what we needed...

Apparently the bullpen was running out of ways to fuck up a lead or their gopher balls weren't going far enough. Nope, they just had to fuckin bring him back...that's right boys and Skippy, the Crain-wreck is back. I'm guessing he'll be in tonight in the 7th and give up a half a bushel. Man, do I love the Twins.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Is he doing what I think he's doing?

Here we have a candid shot of our own Doc doing what he does best: golfing while shitting himself. Talk about multitasking. Good thing he wore gym shorts instead of cargos or something somewhat respectable. Those things will rinse right out.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Thank you Jose Guillen

Apparently Jose Guillen's questionable slide in an attempt to break up a double play has left the retarded midget a bit sore. Hopefully he ends up on the 60 day DL.