Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What about....

It's great to see that this little project of the PhD is gaining such wide readership. I thought I would add on to the final five stories. I guess I instigated this story by trying to take a nap. I know, I know, who naps at the final five? Well, I didn't skip a game to go to a girls high school basketball game, so you can all lick my taint. Anyway, I was trying to catch up on a few zzzs, when none other than Magic, who I barely knew, decided to wake me up by jumping on the bed. While he did succeed in waking me up, he also succeeded in falling off the bed and almost breaking his ankle. If he wasn't so numbed up from being at a .230 for 3 days straight, that probably would have hurt. I truly enjoyed watching him hobble around for the rest of the weekend. And climbing trees in front of the hotel.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Top Five at the Five

5. Hammer corrects himself.

"I said blind people can't read."

Good attempt, but both me and the West African cab driver clearly heard you assess the illiteracy of African Americans as a whole.

4. A new nickname is born.

Adam Morlan, after devouring a pizza in record time, takes some flak from Rusty and I for his mass consumption and free-style rapping on the way home in the cab. Most likely due to tomato sauce stuck in his hear, he thinks Rusty refers to him as "skip".

"Did you just call me Skip?"

"No, but I am going to now."

3. Magic draws the line.

Thompson, despite Skipper's obvious interest, turns away a female craving sexual attention for the first time on record. Skid may argue he was not intrigued by this hail-damage-sporting wildabeast, but if that is true, then why, oh why, were you fingering your belly button?

Magic, bum ankle and all, decides it's time to leave, and kindly pushes the lady out of the room mid-conversation and slams the door behind her.

2. Two birds with one stone.

This of course is Feever's double whammy.

"I don't want to kick you out, but you gotta stop spilling your drink and swearing."

Drops his drink. "Oh fuck."

Don't worry Feever, at least you were wearing that cool I got tanked at Mandalay Bay t-shirt... all weekend.

1. Going to the well one too many times.

I mean the stairwell, of course. No matter how many times we were warned by the Nazi security guard... No matter how many guys we saw him beat to within an inch of their lives for their insubordinance... We smoked in the stairwell repeatedly. I believe it was Saturday night at about 4am, and we needed one more heater. One too many. He enters the stairwell, we flee to floor seven. He follows. Busts open our door. I'm laying the wrong way on a bed pretending to sleep. He's not fooled. As he's giving me the business, I'm acting apologetic and trying to locate Feever. Oh, there he is. Standing behind the door, seven inches away from the Nazi... still smoking.

Dishonorable mention: The triple helicopter. You people know who who are. Be ashamed.

A Team Named Sue

Updating the USCHO rankings today, and them indians from north dakota no longer have a number in front of their name. That makes me giggle. That got me to thinking about how bad the final five is going to suck for Feever with nobody to cheer for. Also got me thinking back to the good ol days when a trip to the final five didn't involve a flight and was a yearly occurance. Ah, the memories. Here's my top 5 that i can remember. Keep in mind i was blackout drunk the majority of the time spent there, so these might not be accurate. Also, if i leave any out, feel free to add your own. I also have a couple other stories, but i can't remember if they happened during final five or at the state high school tourney, so i'll leave them off the list. we'll consider these honorable mentions; Greens picking his nose on the jumbotron, freddy throwing a beer bottle right through the hotel window, russel getting his jacket stolen from inside the ghetto hotel room, and yours truly getting cut off at a bar. it may or may not have been noon as previously reported by Hammy, i can't seem to remember the details. anyways, here's my top 5 final five stories:

5. Barry Bergan at some bar down the street from the X. If you haven't seen BB put on a show, you don't know what you're missing. Not to mention the fact that he was accompanied by Wade "the blade" demarais. There's a guy i miss. Anyways, Barry was stumbling drunk and wanted to know which titty bar was the best to get some "extra attention". He had collected about 30 of those strip club cards they hand out on the street and was flipping through them asking which one i thought he should go after. The guy is a legend.

4. Jimmy Johns. No real story here, but my god were they delicious at 2am. And i'm pretty sure Skippy had sex with his sandwich on TK's floor.

3. Riding the dueling zambonis with Beav. This also isn't much of a story, mainly because none of you other fuckers were at the arena yet when we did it. It was still pretty sweet. Also, i need to include the 94 times the Curlett was on the jumbotron. I swear to god he was sucking off the camera guy because he was up there every other stoppage. Fag.

2. Feever! Here's a bit of advice for anybody going to the X for any event: If the usher/security guy tells you to stop swearing and stop spilling your drink, don't do the following. Feever says he's sorry, won't happen again, proceeds to stumble a bit, spills his drink damn near on the guy's foot, then says something to the effect of "oh fuck i'm sorry" needless to say he was not around for the end of that game.

1. The mother of all Final Five stories, hands down number 1. We were all witness to the only person to ever have a full ciggy inside the Xcel Energy Center. Let me set the stage here, Sioux vs Gophers, jam-packed arena, we're at the bar row more than likely hammered as shit. Some old dude walks up behind us with his nachos in hand, cheese all over his shirt, and sits down in the lounge chairs behind us. Nothing unusual there, those are some sweet chairs. Game is underway, and the son of a bitch old man decides to take a fucking nap (read: pass out). I don't remember exactly when it was when he came to, but i know he slept through a couple goals, which equals loud as you can imagine in there. Fucker wakes up, kind of looks around as we're all laughing our drunk asses off at his perplexed look. He then reaches down and has a nacho, spills more cheese on himself, then did something legends are made of. He pulls out a box of ciggys, casually lights one up and smokes it. Not a hurried drag or a power drag, but he takes his time and enjoys every last drag. Not once during this does any security personnel approach him, nobody seems to be able to grasp what he was doing. When he finished his smoke, he put it out in his nacho cheese, got up, and went on his way like nothing happened. I'm pretty sure he was getting ready for warmups to start, not knowing he slept through most of the fucking game. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I'm drunk

not much to report at this point. i've switched from natty light to red bull vodkas so give it an hour or so and we should have some fun.

in case you weren't watching the gophs hockey game last night; weiner got a shout out from wooger during the game. it was money. the garage is now a certified something. not sure what, but it's sweet.

if wisconsin (football) loses to cal poly tech (they're down 29-21 with 6 minutes to go) the gophs are coming to tempe for the insight bowl. maybe. not sure. but it helps. probably. maybe not. i don't know. i'm drunk.

*EDIT* Badgers won in OT. unreal. ok, not so unreal, but still gay. gophs are down 13-0 to Iowa in the 2nd, probably headed to the Texas Bowl. dumb.

*EDIT #2* holy fucking shit. gophs lose 100-0. go to texas or florida or detroit. fags.

Friday, November 21, 2008

What the Fuck is Denver's Logo?

I understand that Denver's mascot is a Pioneer. But seriously, what is this? Is it a chicken? Is it Skid's drawing of a menstruating vagina? Who knows. What I know is Denver got swept by JBSU last week. That means that either they aren't very good or they played like dog shit last week. DU was picked to finish 2nd in the WCHA, so I am going to guess they had an off week. They have a bunch of good players, but I can't spell any of their names. I think Joe Bozyk might play for them. The good thing is that Peter Mannino doesn't play for them anymore. Instead, I think they are playing Tim Cheveldae. He wasn't good ten years ago, and he's not good now.

Minnesota comes in as the #1 rated team in the nation. It's November, so polls don't mean a whole lot, but it's better to be a fan of #1 than to be a fan of green and black (fun fact: UND's official school colors are pink and green). Minnesota's first line of Stoa, Schroeder, and Barribal has produced all year and this week should be no different. The rest of the line up needs to start contributing. Look for tDon to mix up the lines a bit in order to try and generate some offense. Minnesota's D has to keep doing what they've been doing all year, tight in their own end and get the puck out of the zone. You will also see more of the same from Alex Kangas, who is coming off his first WCHA shutout.

I think the Gophers might be catching DU at the right time and might be able to pull out a sweep, but the thin air might get to them, so a split is more likely.

Sidenote: Canadians smoke Players, not Parliaments.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Télévision Canadienne

Après le fait de regarder la nourriture canadienne pour le jeu Sauvage ce soir, je déteste le Canada plus que jamais. Oubliez le fait que le Sauvage a perdu à Curtis baisant Sanford, le hosers l'action du jeu était le plus grand homers que je voyais jamais .

To sum up the gibberish above, the Wild got beat by Curtis Fucking Sanford tonight. And i have never hated Canada more. The only good thing about watching a hockey game from a Canadian feed is the commercials. No saved by zero bullshit, no subway, no brett favre, simply beer and hockey. Other than that, they are a bunch of retarded eskimos. The between period commentators actually made this comment after the first period: "the Canucks probably risked playing Sanford tonight since the Wild are only going to get a half dozen shots on goal per period at the most." Quick fact: shots after 1 period - Wild 9, Canucks 8. Now don't get me wrong, i'm sure this guy was pounding Kokanees throughout the period and probably took a few breaks for a parliament (no offense russel), but really? you honestly think they sat the butler from mr. deeds because the Wild don't take many shots on net? really? it sounded like widman trying to argue about how good the bears are. absolutely brutal. now the commentators during the game realized early on that the reason they started the retard was simply because luongo played last night, but the guys between periods, not so much. getting back to the commentators during the game, they weren't anything to write home about either. What happened to the guy the canucks used to have call their games who also provided the voice for every NHL game on X-box over the years? he was money. used to make real games feel like we were sitting at the old duplex in forks watching fee run up the score on latvia or some such shit.

keep your eyes open for some money posts saturday. the warden is hosting a michigan/ohio state party and while normally i couldn't give two shits less about that, the game starts at 10am arizona time so i'm in for another full day of drinking. i'm going to try to steer clear of the sailor jerry as long as possible, but we all know how that will play out.

also, taking a puck to the head is no excuse for not posting a gopher puck preview. god knows none of us wants to read any type of anything from skippy, but he's been pining for a chance to be the go-to guy for gopher hockey on here. we all know how that will go. well if not, here's how i see it...

Gophs match up well with the Denver Tigers this weekene.d. i probly wont see much of the game since ill be hammering away at some rookie puss all night, but they should probably sweeeeeeeeeeep! thats right, you heard it here first, 6 points for the gophs this weekend. and wtf und? the suzies are gay! hahahahaha lol skippy out

gave me crabs just typing that. or maybe it was hammy's mom, i can't remember. don't let us down russel.


Goalie Skates- $500

Glove and blocker- $400

Leg Pads-$700

Helmet- $300

Trip to the E.R. to get stitches for taking off your mask while skating off the ice after warm ups and getting blasted with a puck about $4,000 but still PRICELESS!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Doc's role model!

We've all heard about the story that Wade Boggs drank a million beers on a cross-country road trip. Here's the actual story from an interview with Jeff Nelson (one of his former teammates) on the radio...not to mention the revelation that the Hawk was quite the ladies man. It's genius:
I heard the legendary story over my car radio as I was heading down I-5 to work about a year ago, listening to Mitch in the Morning on 950 KJR, as usual. For some reason or another, Mitch was gone that day so Steve Sandmeyer was hosting the show, and former Mariners and Yankees pitcher Jeff Nelson was sitting in as his sidekick.
Sandmeyer was killing some time by making small talk about baseball and about Nelly's career and exploits as a major leaguer. The conversation turned to some of the funniest things Nelly had seen in his career when Sandy asked something like "who was the best with the ladies out of everyone you were around in baseball?" Nelson said that it was tough to say for sure, but that he figured it was probably Andre Dawson, the former Expos, Cubs, Red Sox, and Marlins slugger.
The two shared a laugh about the Hawk's game, and then Sandmeyer stumbled upon the most compelling question ever articulated in an interview: "who would you say drank the most beer out of everyone you ever played with?" The following colloquy sheds some light on one of drinking's biggest stars and on one of the greatest drinking feats of all time.

Sandy: Who would you say drank the most beer out of everyone you ever played with?
Nelson: Easy, Wade Boggs.....easy
Sandy: (laughing) Really!? Wade Boggs?
Nelson: Oh, yeah, without a doubt. I've never seen anyone drink as much beer as he did in my life:
Sandy: (laughing) Get outta here, alright, give me an example, like how much did he drink?
Nelson: Oh, I'd say, on a typical road trip, east coast to west coast [Nelly played with Boggs on the Yankees], say a road game to Seattle......Wade would drink anywhere between 50 and 60 beers.
Sandy: NO WAY!! 50 or 60 beers. That is impossible.
Nelson: No, I know...I know how crazy that sounds, and I wouldn't believe it myself unless I saw him do it.....numerous times. And he drank nothing but Miller Lite.
Sandy: How in the hell did he have time to drink that many beers. For God's sake, how many times did he have to go to the bathroom?

Nelson: I'm not kidding you Steve. Seriously. Wade was the kind of guy who was always the first one at the club house. So he'd get to the clubhouse, and he'd bring a six pack with him. He'd be there drinking a beer when someone showed up, and as we were all packing our stuff up out of our lockers and getting our bags ready for the trip, Wade would sit there and drink that whole six pack.
Now, at the time, we were flying out of New Jersey, so it was somewhat of a drive from Yankee stadium to the airport in New Jersey. Wade would drink another couple of beers on the bus to the airport. At the time, we were flying this older airplane, it couldn't make it across the country without refueling, and it wasn't the fastest airplane in the sky. So we would stop in North Dakota or something. Wade would drink about a half rack between New Jersey and North Dakota, and it would take about a half-hour to an hour to refuel once we got there, so he'd have a few more beers while we were grounded in North Dakota.

Once we got back up in the air, Wade would drink another 10, 11, 12 beers on the way out to the west coast. The whole flight from coast to coast ususally took us well over 7 hours. We'd touch down at Sea-Tac, hop on the bus headed to the Kingdome, and Wade would have another beer or two on the bus. Then, all of us would get to the Kingdome and unpack our bags and sit around and BS with eachother, and Wade would have a beer in his hand the entire time. He was always one of the last people to leave the club house too. So I'd say that all in all, he drank over 50 beers on the trip, and this wasn't just an isolated incident, he did that almost every time.

Sandy: Unbelievable. That's absolutely unbelieveable.
Nelson: Yeah, I know, I'm not kidding though, let's call up somebody and they'll tell you man, they'll tell you I'm not lying.
Sandy: Alright, who should we call up. Let's take a commercial break, and then we'll call up somebody and see if we can't get to the bottom of this....This is absolutely amazing.
[commercial break: When the commercial end, Paul Sorrento, a former Mariner and Devil Ray, and Boggs's and Nelly's former teammate, is on the phone]
Nelly: Hey Paul, good to hear from you man, I haven't talked to you in a while.
Sorrento: Yeah, what's it been like, two, three years?
Nelly: Yeah. Hey, Paul, just to clarify now, I didn't speak to you over the commercial break, and I haven't talked to you about anything since we last talked a few years ago right?
Sorrento: Yeah, right.
Nelly: Alright Paul, we've been talking about Wade Boggs up here today in Seattle.
Sorrento: (laughing) Yeah, ole Wade huh.
Nelly: Yeah, alright Paul, I need you to answer one question for me, truthfully now....How many beers would Wade Boggs drink on an east coast to west coast road trip?
Sorrento: Oh, jeez, (exhaling like a flat tire) I don't know, like 70.
Nelly, Sandberg, Sorrento, Hank: (Rolling on the ground laughing)

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Adventures of BloodNinja

Bored at work today so I was going through old email and came upon this. Most of you remember this from a few years ago.


I put on my robe and wizard hat.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Disappointment Saturday?

Can the Wild save what has otherwise been a rather disappointing day? I'm guessing not. After the Gopher hockey team managed to piss a two goal lead away, the Gopher football team managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. How gross. I think the Wooger had the right idea by being blitzed by 12:45. Something tells me the Wild aren't going to be able to pull this one out. With any luck they will at least manage a point before trapping in OT and choking in the shootout.

Kick in the Dick

As Russel noted in a text message, Cade Fairchild needs to learn that a puck absolutely cannot travel through a human being. Pass it, put it deep, move your ass, just don't shoot it directly into the man standing directly in front of you. We're not talking about Basil McRae blocking shots here, this is a member of the Michigan Tech Huskies. Gay. All in all a pretty shitty start to Saturday sports. Guess i'll just have to drink more.

On a positive note, the Gophers football team is whipping Wisconsin 21-7 right now. If everything goes according to plan, we'll be watching the Gophs in Tempe December 31st in the Insight Bowl. giggity giggity.

Nice Little Saturday

I woke up this morning to our neighbors screaming obsenities at each other in the street. If it wasn't 6am i probably would've grabbed a cold one and pulled up a lawn chair. Honestly, how can you kick off a weekend better than that? now i'm staring straight in the face of Gopher Hockey at Noon, Gopher Football at 1:30, then the Wild play at 6:00. Probably going to start drinking before too long, which might lead to more posting or might lead to more drinking and a little slice of blacking out. I really could go either way on this one. Either way, i'm not complaining. By the way, the cartoon at the top was stolen straight from GPL, and it pretty much sums up how i feel every Saturday morning around this time when you know who sees me crack a beer and gives me that look.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

alaska anchorage is bound to win one of these games

I thought everyone would like to read another rousing edition of the Sioux Hockey Weekend Preview, starring yours truly, who, unlike some gopher enthusiasts in the media, is not on the crack-rock. Anyway, I'll jump right into it. The Sioux will win the first game 2-1 in a shit-show, then come back for the second night to be blown out 11-2, because that's what they do apparently.

That may sound somewhat negative from a fan, but, in the words of Russell, I have been brought down a peg by the early WCHA action. As if that wasn't enough, the lack of criminal activity from the young Canucks on the team is killing my spirits. It's one thing to be bad, it's another to not piss in elevators after a loss. That's just plain unacceptable. I mean, if I lose to Wisconsin after being up 3 going in to the third at home, somebody's minivan is getting stolen and rammed into the side of El Rocco Nightclub. That's just the way shit goes down. I keeps it real like that. Anyway, you have my pessimism and my predictions.

Free Puffy!

I Fear for the Children of Peoria, AZ

You really have to wonder about the public school system in Peoria, AZ. They let this "man" "educate" their children on a semi-daily basis. If I wasn't so lazy I would look up the standardized test scores for the period he has been employed in the area. I guarantee there is a direct correlation between his first day and a nose-dive in scores.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

friday night is going to be lame

For those of you that aren't aware, the Gopher hockey team plays at 1 pm on Saturday and Sunday. Apparently there is some basketball event at the Barn on Friday night. This blows. Now I will have nothing to live for on Friday. I will have nothing entertaining to watch while I am getting warmed up for the bar. I guess there might be a St. Cloud or UMD game on some random cable access channel, but that's just not the same. I may be forced to check out Alaska-Anchorage and the sue on the NHL network. It would be fun to see the Seawolves take the sue down a peg. Another good thing is that I will have an excuse to start drinking at 1 on Saturday and something to distract me from the Gopher football team getting crushed.

Monday, November 10, 2008

TV Commercials That Fucking Suck

You know you're watching way too much TV when the commercials start driving you up a fucking wall. Well, I'm there. Here's the most annoying ones that come to mind:

1. Subway - Five Dollar Footlong
I swear to fucking god I will never eat at Subway again simply because they won't quit with these fucking commercials. I thought it was bad enough when they put that faggot Jared on TV for not being quite such a fatass anymore, but no. They came up wiht the most annoying theme music every invented and plaster it on every channel I have ever watched. I can't even watch Happy Gilmore anymore, and that was a sweet movie.

2. Toyota? - Saved by Zero
Last night in my sleep I kept seeing this big red zero floating around. At first I thought it might be Clifford, the big red fucking dog (I'll explain that later), but no, it was the logo of the most annoying car commercial ever. I have actually turned the TV several times when that commercial came on, and once, I actually got up to get the remote off the other couch to turn the channel. It takes a lot to get me to move when i'm laying on the couch, so that should about sum up how bad i hate that fucking commercial.

3. Wrangler - Brett Favre is Gay
This one isn't so much annoying, i can't even think of the background song off the top of my head, but i hate that fag.

4. Every Brand in America - Anything with Peyton Manning
I swear to fucking Christ that this media whore has more sponshorships than any NASCAR homo in the land. I think if you're ever really bored and wanna get hammered, play a game where you flip through the channels and drink every time this faggot is on tv. you should be blacking out in about an hour. God he sucks.

5. Frank TV
Yeah we get it, you talk like other people. Now you dress like them too and have a show. Awesome. I was actually glad the Twins didn't make the playoffs so i wasn't forced to watch TBS and see this stupid Jew every other minute. And as if that wasn't bad enough, now he's spreading like the plague doing bits for other fucking companies on seemingly every channel available. What a douche.

6. Vonage
What the fuck is Vonage and why do i need it? Does anyone under 50 even have a house phone anymore? If you're going to compete with the "phone company" you might as well advertise in AARP, i know weiner gets that magazine now and he's the only person i know who still has a house phone. Old people don't watch TV after 3pm. Thats when they go to bed. And some of them shit the bed, that's gross. Maybe put out some flyers at the OCB on Sundays. theres a ton of old fuckers there just aching for someone to talk to.

Ok, i was going to tell the story of Clifford the Big Fucking Red Dog, but I'm sick of sitting upright, I'm going to lay down for awhile. Probably drink some beer too. Best thing about being employed by the school district, no work on holidays. That includes Veterens Day. Which is tomorrow. So no work for me. Fuck you.

Weekend Recap

Sorry for my recent absence. I've been really busy laying on the couch and eating. I'd say it won't happen again, but I guarantee it will. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the weekend:
  • Was that Gus Frerrote or Derrick Schmalenberg playing QB for the Vikings? Either way he was dogshit. Holy christ horrible. Thank god I only got to watch the second half.

  • It's really hard to be competitive when your men's league hockey team only has 5 guys show up. It's even harder when one guy gets kicked out for slashing someone in the face. I really need this bye week to recover.

  • Gopher hockey good, gopher football bad. Welcome back to earth, Tim Brewster. However, if you didn't see this coming, you are dumber than John Lynch's left nut. If Decker is out, good luck the rest of the season. Here comes 7-5 afer a 7-1 start. Hello Motor City Bowl.

  • That split-screen shit that FSN does during Saturday Gopher hockey games is garbage. Yep, let's spotlight Cade Fairchild picking his ass by the blue line while the puck is in the corner. Real fucking entertaining. At least they won.

  • I'm pretty sure the Cedars of Edina intentionally shut down their elevators on Saturday knowing I was going to be helping my sister move into an apartment on the 3rd floor. Fuck them.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Gopher Hockey Recap

I thought this was Russel's department, but since he is nowhere to be found, i'll assume he's out burnin through some rubs with an innocent young coed and i'll chime in.

if you missed the game tonight, you suck. this was one of the best college hockey games i've seen in quite some time. up and down the ice all night, good flow, great scoring chances at both ends, and it all led to a 2-2 tie. the one difference i noticed from previous gopher games this year was no ref had sheppard or hunt on the back of his jersey. wherever they got these guys from, they need to keep recruiting there. i don't remember any penalty call making me think "ticky tack" which is a good thing because thats pretty gay.

i just went to take a piss and sneezed twice in the middle of the piss. i had to wipe when i finished. not sure if the sneezing triggered a relaxing of the sphincter or not, but it happened. kind of reminds me of my 21st birthday when i was puke-farting in the backyard at weiner's place. good times.

superbad is on now. looks like i'll be up drinking for another 2 hours. also good times. probably going to regret it in the morning, but you can't win em all.

Golf Tomorrow?

I'm assuming since it's supposed to be in the 40s and raining/snowing back in the C-town area that none of you are going to be golfing tomorrow. That's where we differ. And just to make you feel like you're a part of my fabulous Saturday, i'll give you a rundown of my itinerary.

November 8th, 2008

6:30am - Wakeup Call
7:00am - Memosa and Bloody Mary Breakfast
7:30am - Leave for Golf Course
7:45am - Tee Time at Traditions Golf Course (9 holes)
10:00am - Buffalo Wild Wings for Gophers Football Game
1:30pm - Leave for Golf Course
2:00pm - Tee Time at Desert Vista Golf Course (18 holes)
6:00pm - Leave Golf Course for Jobing.com Arena
7:00pm - Coyotes vs Panthers
10:00pm - Return Home to Watch Gophers Hockey on DVR

I rock, you're all gay. Oh, and the Vikings tickets for December are on sale now. $85 gets you the following:

- Upper level ticket to the game
- Ride to and from the stadium
- All you can eat and drink prior to the game

I need to get the money in ASAP to make sure we get seats, so feel free to send me a check for the $85 at any time. I'll send out an email Sunday with my address on it so you can get a check in the mail.

Doc's future lover

A KMSP-TV reporter arrested Saturday has been charged with gross-misdemeanor drunken driving and leaving the scene of an accident, according to a complaint filed in Hennepin County.
Beth McDonough was also charged with careless driving. She had a blood-alcohol reading of .24 percent two hours after troopers showed up at her Minnetonka home, the complaint said. That reading is three times the limit used to determine drunkenness in DUI cases. She refused a blood-alcohol test at first but later consented.
McDonough, 40, had her driver's license revoked in December after she was convicted of third-degree drunken driving. Her license was reinstated in June.
The driver of the other vehicle involved in Saturday's accident said he called authorities and then followed the car as it drove away after it rear-ended him on Interstate Hwy. 394 near Hwy. 169.
A State Patrol trooper went to McDonough's home and noticed "a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage, slurred speech, and bloodshot and watery eyes," the complaint said.
KMSP-TV news director Bill Dallman said McDonough has been suspended.
McDonough was booked into Hennepin County jail and released Saturday afternoon after posting $12,000 bond. She is due to make her first court appearance Dec. 2.

Monday, November 3, 2008

badgers were bound to win some time.

Not gonna lie, UND dominated about 55 minutes of the hockey game on Saturday, and came up empty tomahawked. No badger scalps on that evening, and no Joe Finley. They did have a number of horrible giveaways (so, in a sense, the spirit of Joe Finley was there), tons of missed opportunities, poor goaltending, and one honorable tribute to the Lakota Nation Sioux Indian Tribes. All of it added up to a big L, and me being disappointed. I was, on the other hand, more educated and appreciative of my Sioux brothers. They lived relatively peaceful lives a long time ago, and really loved the buffalo. Yada, yada, yada, now they go to college for free. End of story. Let us use the name; I don't see what the big deal is.

Where has the retard been??

Like everyone else in this world, I am wondering where Joe make hockey time has been this year. It was rumored that he had a concussion earlier this season. I figured his mush brain might be back in time for the Wisconsin series but I guess not. I think UND may have just finally realized that he is a liability, waiting to be the cause of a national apology for something stupid he is bound to do.

Side Theory:
This picture of Bucky Badger was sent to the Ralph last week. It appears that Bucky had been using Skippy’s work bench to get in some pectoral building pushups in anticipation for his rematch against the big dumb kid from UND. Joe caught Bucky off guard last year in the hallway and now it was time for Bucky to get his revenge. It seems that Joe preferred to stay on the short bus, licking windows, and shitting his diaper this weekend in order to avoid the ass kicking that Bucky was about to bring upon the young lad.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Random Observations

First thing first - it's not a good idea to start drinking Sailor Jerry at 9am. Ever.

As a direct result of this, I'm pretty sure everyone who was sitting in section 110 between rows G - I during the Wild game Saturday night are quite aware of a couple things;

1. Martin Skoula is retarded and sounds like a drunken monkey when he talks. He is also completely lost every time he steps on the ice and says things like "hey coach, i'm retarded and don't know what to do good." not sure what that means, but apparently i mentioned it many many times throughout the game.

2. "hit him with your purse, you pussy" is not only acceptable to say during a hockey game, but it's encouraged. doesn't matter that there is atleast 5 kids under 12 sitting within earshot, it's still a go. as long as you say it more than 10 times. and i'm pretty sure i had that covered before the first period was 8 minutes old. good stuff.

3. it's entirely possible to drink 7 16-ounce beers during one hockey game. don't forget they stop selling after the 2nd period. in light of that fact, make sure during the 2nd intermission you go up and get 2 beers not once, but twice. they won't let you buy 4 at once so you have to be crafty. well worth it. *disclaimer* this will probably lead to blacking out before you leave the arena. i know i did. i'm betting that taco bell food was really good though.

4. when you're cheering for the visiting team at a hockey game, and your team scores, immediately stand up, cheer, then turn around and point at any other individuals wearing a jersey/shirt/hat of the team you're cheering for. take my word on this one, just because you don't know them and will never see them again, for that minute you are pretty much brothers. and while you're at it, pop your jersey a few times if you're wearing one and then point at any and all home fans while staring directly through them. they need to feel you staring into their souls.

5. after the game, call paulette and ask her how the gophs did. don't worry if it's after midnight in c-town, she'll be up. probably really excited to hear from you too. and no, it doesn't matter if you wake up and ask yourself "i wonder how the gophs did last night."

All in all, it was a real shit show. Kendra will not be attending the Wild game with us in December. she said after the way i acted at the game last night and the fact that i'll have more retards helping me out, it isn't anything she wants to be a part of. this at least guarantees us a sober ride home, so you can thank me later.

5 weeks from Thursday and the official gong show can begin. I already notified the company that supplies cheese curds in the area and they'll be doubling their production in anticipation of Skippy's visit. I've set the bar pretty high for retardation at a Wild game, but i'm sure with enough beer and maybe a bottle of Sailor Jerry's, we'll be able to get the job done.

My liver hurts, i'm going to bed.