Monday, August 31, 2009

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Vegas Baby!

All right Fuckers, here's the gig: July 10-13, 2010 Vegas for Doc's Bachelor Party.

Details are pretty loose, but I'm guessing a little gambling, a little limo ride some big 'ol boobies--and some that do not belong to Skippy too.

So, if you are interested in going and if you are up north, the Allegiant connection is pretty cheap, and would like to go, let me know. We'll figure out a hotel and go from there. Just email me @ and let me know as soon as you for sure want to be there.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Tichenor Strikes Again

Remember back in May when Redmond, Gardenhire, Varitek, and Francona were all kicked out of the same game? That dumbass of an ump was back in action tonight and made sure everybody knew he was in charge once again. Cabrera slammed his bat down after being called out by the first base umpire on a check swing (Tichenor was the home ump) and was immediately given the boot. Not even arguing a call Tichenor made, not arguing balls and strikes, not really arguing at all; just slamming his bat down into the ground. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this queer spent most of his days in high school with his underwear wedged up his butt and his head in a toilet. He makes Butch look level headed, I think he even told Cabrera "out of sight, out of sound."

Gardy Brings in Defensive Substitution During Pregame

There's just no other way to explain why the fuck Punto is starting at 3rd tonight. The last time this idiot started a game he went 0-3 in a Twins loss. He hasn't started since, and the Twins haven't lost since. I'm sure any manager in this position would put him in there. Atleast any manager who hasn't gotten a knobber from #8 in 5 days would. Fuck you Gardy. As I'm writing this the Twins are down 2-0 in the bottom of the first. While you might say it's Blackburn sucking that led to this deficit, I believe it's the fact that nobody thinks they can win when that tard is in the lineup. Any confidence built up over the last 5 days went down the toilet along with Gardy's mouthful of Nicky's man mayo. Unless he swallows, which is a whole different discussion. Fag.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Does your kid have a drinking problem?

Apparently Matt Frattin does:

GRAND FORKS, N.D. – Forward Matt Frattin has been kicked off the University of North Dakota men’s hockey team following an arrest for driving under the influence early Wednesday morning.
It is the second run-in this summer for Frattin, who pleaded guilty to a disorderly conduct charge earlier this month.
Frattin, who would have been a junior, was fined, suspended two games, had scholarship money reduced and was ordered to counseling for the first incident.
On early Wednesday morning, he was stopped by a campus police officer on North Columbia Road for speeding, UND police captain Don Rasmuson said. The officer smelled alcohol and a subsequent test put Frattin’s blood-alcohol level at .12 percent, Rasmuson said. The legal limit is .08 percent.
“We’re reacting on two different levels,” UND coach Dave Hakstol said. “We’re doing what we feel is best and right for our program, that’s one level. We’re also trying to act with good care and concern for Matt and what he needs to do from here on in.
“We’d like to put him in position to be able to live a healthy lifestyle and resume his hockey career.”
Frattin, an Edmonton native and draft pick of the Toronto Maple Leafs, was the third-leading goal scorer on the team last season. His 25 points ranked seventh.
Hakstol said it’s too early in the process to determine what’s in Frattin’s future, but he said there’s a possibility that Frattin could return to the Sioux in 2010-11 if circumstances are right.
“I hope that’s the case,” Hakstol said.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You’re the best!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Piece of Monkey Shit

How much money would you pay to kick this mother fucker square in the dick?

He also refused to save a drowning child once. Here's the story.

EAST HAMPTON, NY--Scott Boras has long been known as a tough negotiator. That reputation was bolstered yesterday when the super agent demanded $35 million to rescue a small child drowning in the ocean near Boras’s home in East Hampton, New York.

The child, an eight-year-old named Danny Corgin, was swimming at a private beach when he was caught in the undertow and dragged away. As he flailed and cried for help, Boras relaxed on the deck of his luxury yacht. The boy’s grandmother pleaded with Boras to help, but the agent steadfastly refused, holding steady to his demand for $35 million dollars.

“My grandson was swimming around when all of a sudden he was caught in a riptide and dragged out to sea,” said Ethel Corgin, the boy’s grandmother. “I didn’t know what to do. There was nobody else around and I certainly couldn’t help him. I saw that man relaxing on his yacht, reading a book like there was nothing going on. When I asked for his help, he just said ‘You want me to save a drowning child? Hmmm…that kind of thing will run you around 35 million.’ I tried to negotiate with him, but he was unwavering. I’ve never seen anyone so stubborn, greedy, and heartless in my life. What is he, a sports agent?”

Corgin said that she was struck by Boras’s casual demeanor, even as her grandson struggled to stay afloat in the vicious riptide.

“He was panicking, the poor thing. He thought he was going to drown, I’m sure,” she said. “There was nothing I could do but pray. I thought for sure that [Boras] would help but he really wanted that money. He said I could give him 10 million up front and sign a written guarantee to deliver the rest within a week. He had the contracts already made up. He just whited out ‘third baseman’ and added ‘drowning child.’”

In the end, a deal was not struck. Fortunately, a fishing boat came by and plucked young Danny out of the water before he could drown. Corgin was relieved, but still outraged over Boras’s refusal to rescue her grandson.

For his part, Boras explained that he was just exercising good business sense and prudent negotiating.

“How much is an eight-year old boy’s life worth?” asked Boras. “Can you really ever say ‘No- that’s too expensive. I’d rather just let the boy drown?’ No, of course not. I was shocked when Mrs. Keelan refused my offer to save the boy. If you’re not willing to shell out a few bucks to save the life of a child, you’ve got to take a long look in the mirror. Nothing’s free in this world. If you want something, you have to pay for it. It’s called ‘capitalism.’ Obviously Mrs. Corgin is some kind of godless commie freak.”

While young Danny was drowning, Boras described his mood as “horrified” and denied Corgin ’s allegations that he was casually reading his book.

“I think she is in denial or something,” said Boras. “It’s crazy to say that I was just causally looking on. I kept thinking how much I would love to save the boy and what a great situation it would be if I could just swing over there in my boat and grab him, but Mrs. Corgin and I just couldn’t see eye to eye on compensation. I even acquiesced a little and told her to just give me 10 million up front, since the boy was dying and all. But she still refused. Talk about stubborn. She ought to be arrested for child neglect.”

Several baseball owners and general managers have had similar experiences with Boras. After learning about the East Hampton incident, a few came forward in support of Mrs. Corgin.

Arizona Diamondbacks GM Joe Gargiola, who haggled with Boras this year over the team’s number one draft pick, called the agent “a piece of shit.”

“That guy is a horrible asshole,” he said. “He wouldn’t save his own damn child for free. If I were that woman, Mrs. Corgin, I’d sue him for everything he has. How can you sit in your yacht and casually read a book while a young child is flailing in the water before you? He’s even worse than those pricks, the Poston brothers. Sure, they’ve had a few people killed, but not children. That’s fucking sick.”

While Boras’s actions have been deemed despicable by some, major league baseball players are flocking to him in record numbers. His aggressive, tough-nosed tactics have made his clients some of the most highly paid in the game.

“He refused to save a drowning child because his grandmother wouldn’t pay him 35 million?” asked Red Sox pitcher Derek Lowe, who is scheduled to be a free agent at the end of the year. “That’s sick. It’s cruel. It’s inhuman. He has absolutely no sense of decency or restraint. Anyone have his number?”

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Tape Delayed Live Drinking Blog

So I came up with this idea about 4 hours and 10 beers late, but none the less, here we go.

Swimming with the kids(hold the comments fuckers) and 1 & 2 are down and oh what is this? Susan is drinking too, could be an interesting evening folks.

Went to the fair, yes the fair, really fought myself not going up to get tickets for the beer gardens.

3, 4 & 5 went rather quickly...after hitting #4 figured I'd check with Doc and see where he was...slacker was just getting started, but with a reason: Kendra was MIA and wasn't there to fetch him a fresh one...I give that shit another 6 months tops and he'll be camped out upstairs with a mini fridge full of Natty Light, an original nintendo and his cell phone waiting for her to tell him its time for bed.

So the show "The Soup" is one of the funniest fuckin little shows around, making fun of well, pretty much everyone that ends up on TV. It's about as classy as this blog.

So we really enjoy Guy from Diners Drive ins and Dives and there was a chefography of him on tonight and Susan wanted to watch it...6, 7 & 8 were a blurr...

Has any one else sat up and watched Big Brother After Dark? Eerily addictive being infatuated with other peoples' sad when you don't have to work in the morning and can sit up for three hours after midnight to watch people do their hair and smoke.

So Susan decides that she's hungry at 9pm so we order some Chinese...seriously first time I've had Chinese delivered, that's fuckin awesome. After about 40 minutes, Susan has me call as they have not shown up yet...well apparently they have caller ID at Tops No. 1 and I don't understand what the lady said answering the phone, so I asked her to repeat and she said, "He's on his way, ok?" I shit you not and in the worst China Moon accent ever.

9 & 10 went quite smoothly with General Tso. Swear to God, steamed dumplings are one of the best kept secrets of the Chinese world, awesome goodness.

11 & 12 went quite nicely with The Soup and a slightly raunchy PG-13 version of a talk show, Chelsea Lately. Not sure if this is Melsh's Chelsea, but ya know, it's funny shit.

So it erased part of my shit so fuck you.

Some fat, I mean huge like Billy Tyrell looks skinny, comic just ended his set on Showtime with, "Once they go Greek, they don't sit for a week,"...seriously, Billy Bob had a better line in Bad Santa, "You ain't gonna shit right for a week,". That's fuckin hilarious. Speaking of Bad Santa, there is a kid on our team that looks like a teenage Thurman Murman. Shit you not. At least every other day, one of the biggest black dudes I know says, "Jessuz kid, what is it with you and sandwiches?"

Yeah, so talk about me being the out of place football coach. The two new guys were high school studs, one went on to be a multi-record setting quarterback in college and the other was on the St. Louis Rams practice squad last year and will seriously, fuck anything with a split tail. I got recruited to UMC and then asked to walk on at Mayville, yeah I fit in so well. Does anyone else realize that its been 12-13 years since high school? Wow, I'm fuckin old.

Of course its after midnight now and we are watching Big Brother After Dark. We have no fuckin life.

Is Gardy Dead?

Holy Santa Claus Shit. Casilla with another start this afternoon despite having a multi-hit game yesterday. Thanks once again to the fine folks at FOX and their lack of knowledge of what constitutes a "nationally televised" game, I won't be watching today. Guess I'll just watch golf all day and get drunk. All in all, not a bad little Saturday I guess.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Casilla's Costly Mistake

Silly Casilla went 2-4 tonight with an RBI and two runs scored. This pretty much guarantees he'll find some pine tomorrow night. And there's no way dickface benches his boyfriend two days in a row.

Also, caught the tail end of Whale Wars tonight. Fucking awesome. Here's a picture of the 2nd mate. Yeah, this Chris Doak looking mother fucker is second in command. Needless to say they haven't stopped shit in 5 years. If you aren't a fan like myself, the basic premise of the show is these douchebags are out at sea trying to stop the Japs from harvesting whales. The Japs apparently aren't breaking any laws, which is why no real authority figures are after them, and yet these clowns won't give up. At one point their so-called captain said, "if we have to sacrifice our lives for these whales, so be it." That probably shouldn't have quotes around it since I'm going off of memory from about a month ago, but it was something absurd like that. These are basically the rejects of PETA and greenpeace and whatever animal rights groups are out there (which are all fucking ratarded as far as I'm concerned), but these are the cream of the crop. So tonight the Japs catch a fat one right in front of these dumbasses and haul his bloody carcass onto the boat right in front of them. These guys are crying and vowing revenge and all sorts of shit that just made me giggle. Of course at this point I'm about a 6 pack deep, but regardless you can't script shit this stupid. Highlights from next week shows them ramming the Japs and springing a leak in their own boat. I'm pretty sure I would've read something about it if they all died at sea, but that won't stop me from hoping that's the outcome next week. Keep your fingers crossed, and make sure to check it out next Friday night on the animal planet channel. Yeah I know, Friday night and Crooks will be bumpin, but this is on at like 8 o'clock and the really classy broads don't show up till after 11, so you'll be fine.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Broken Record

Harris goes 3-5 with a HR two days ago, hasn't started since. Punto follows up his latest 0fer game with another start. Tops it off by failing to get down a sacrifice bunt. Again. This time with two runners on and nobody out while trailing by one in a pretty much must-win game. Second attempt in a row that he failed to get down in a clutch spot. Fucking pathetic. Not to mention his batting average matches Skippy's 2nd grade wrestling weight. And yet take a look at just about any Twins game this year and you'll find his name in the lineup somewhere.

For those of you who got a chance to watch the game today, did ya notice who was catching a bullpen session for about a half hour? Gomez. Yep. Would it make too much sense to put some dick face coach out there? It doesn't take talent to catch a bullpen session. Although one of the last people I'd want to have out there squatting and taking pitches would be the fastest guy on the roster. Go team.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Well if no one else wants to take a stab...

Ok, so I only made it to about the middle of the third or so when it was 7-1 Royals and had to pack it in. I now understand what it feels like to be a Nats fan, this shit is fuckin terrible. It seems so long long ago when we described this staff as being as good as the Braves' staffs of the 90's. Fuck me. These fucks have gone 2-8 in the last ten and lost three games in the standings and a ton of fuckin respect. I know that I'm reaching drunkin Doc and Snarley in Fucks on here but fuck you. Trust me, I really had a direction when I started this thing, but a trip to the pisser, a new beer and SportsCenter restarting has redirected me. The pitcher from the Tigers looked like a pussy when Youk charged him. So in those past 10 games, the Twins have gotten 2 fuckin quality starts and one was Carl Fuckin Pavano.

So when did Tony Dungy fall from being a Super Bowl winning coach to being part of Mike Vick's "inner circle"? Wow talk about a fall from grace in the media...if that guy falls that far by tieing himself to Vick imagine what is going to happen to the team...unless its the Vikes. God Fuckin help us.

Anyone else looking forward to the Hangover coming out on DVD/Blue-Ray or HBO?

Happy Anniversary Weens...7 years ago you had your heart attack a couple weeks after the PGA Championship at Hazeltine. Good times.

There is nothing like drinking by yourself at 2:21 a.m. Wow am I cool.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Guess Who?

I bet you'll never guess who's playing 3rd for the Twins tonight. I'll give you a hint, he's 0 for his last 11, made an error in the game already tonight, and likes to give blowjobs. Give up?

You got it. Our favorite tard. Gardy, being the mastermind that he is, just had to find a way to get Casilla and Punto in the lineup tonight so he moved Punto to 3rd with Crede being out once again with a sore ear or something. Splendid.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Carl Fucking Pavano

Congratulations Billy Boy, you just shored up the pitching staff with this blockbuster. Carl Pavano. The answer to all our prayers. He brings his stellar 9-8 record and blistering 5.37ERA with him from Cleveland. Probably flew out with them yesterday and thus saved the Twins from having to foot the bill for a flight from Cleveland to Detroit today. And with the Twins sending down Dickey and his 4.62ERA, the staff got statistically worse today. I'm assuming this sequence is going to result in Liriano moving to the bullpen, but I really can't figure out why Dickey would be the odd man out. Don't get me wrong, I cringe every time dick face brings him into the game, but nothing near the pain of seeing #28 on the hill with his huge faggy necklace. Look at this lineup of bums still on the roster after the latest season-saving transaction:

Keppel 5.18
Duensing 5.19 (3.60 as starter)
Liriano 5.63
Perkins 5.95
Crain 7.20

EDIT - Perkins relegated to the bullpen according to Robbie Inscmikosweskie. Waiting to see what the deal is with Liriano and his issues.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Harris Injury Update

While it appeared Brendan Harris was headed for the D.L. with an unknown injury, it turns out he just doesn't suck enough cock to make the starting lineup. He pinch hit this afternoon, so there is simply no other way to explain the fact that he hasn't gotten a single start since the Cabrera deal. Now granted since the trade pretty much whoever is plugged in at 2nd has been tearing it up. This is evident by the combined 2-17 (.118 AVG) for Punto and Casilla over that stretch. The two tards have also combined to go hitless in the last 4 games (0-13) and have led the team to a 1-4 record in August. Harris is batting .263 on the year, just shades above Punto (.207) and Casilla (.163). Wait, what? He's hitting over 50 points higher than one and one hundred points better than the other? And he's on the bench seemingly full time now? Go fuck yourself Ronny.

On a positive note, Liriano left the team for "family matters" and might get skipped his next time through the rotation. Although i guess all that really means is a quicker turnaround time for the likes of Glen Perkins. Gross.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Twins Bullpen = Stinky Fucking Garbage

As I'm starting this post, Guerrier just plunked some Indian in the leg and there's no better way to lead into this latest bitch fest directed towards the Twins worthless fucking bullpen. As can be expected I got pretty bored watching Paul Watson march one worthless pitcher after another out to the mound tonight. So I decided to take a look at just how bad the bullpen has been since the all-star break. Keep in mind, this was two weeks before the trading deadline. And ole' Billy Boy Smith can preach on and on about how thin the relief pitching market was this season, but when you're not willing to pony up any money, the market for anybody is pretty slim. So a big fuck you to Smith. Pile of donkey shit. Anyways, here's the numbers for the bullpen in Twins losses since the break. You can say the stats are skewed since these are only losses, but I really don't give a shit and I'll twist any number so it backs up my bitching so fuck off.

July 19th vs Texas L 3-5
Keppel with a blown save, bullpen combines for 5.1 innings and 2 earned runs. 3.53ERA

July 20th vs Oakland L 13-14
Mijares took the loss, Keppel tosses 0.0 innings and gave up 3 earned runs. Bullpen overall with 3 innings and 7 earned runs. 21.00 ERA

July 22nd vs Oakland L 1-16
Mulvey with 1 inning and 4 earned runs, bullpen combined 7 innings and 8 earned runs 10.29ERA

July 23rd vs Oakland L 5-6
Nathan blown save, bullpen 4.2 innings and 4 earned runs 8.57ERA

July 24th vs Los Angeles L 3-6
Really the only quality outing for the bullpen in losses since the break, 2.2 innings, NO EARNED RUNS. holy batman shit. 0.00ERA

July 25th vs Los Angeles L 5-11
Dickey 0.1 innings with 3 earned runs. Bullpen 4.1 innings and 5 earned runs. 10.98ERA

July 31st vs Los Angeles L 5-11
Guerrier blown save, Keppel was the loser with 0.0 innings and 3 earned runs. Not to be outdone, Crain with 0.0 innings and 3 earned runs. 15.37ERA

August 1st vs Los Angeles L 6-11
Getting redundant, bullpen combines for 6 innings and 5 earned runs. 7.50ERA

August 2nd vs Los Angeles L 4-13
Bullpen combines for 5 innings and 4 earned runs. 7.20ERA

August 5th vs Cleveland L 1-8
This time Dickey takes the all too common 0.0 innings and 3 earned runs assignment. overall 3 innings pitched and 4 earned runs. 12.00ERA

That's 45.1 innings pitched with 37 runs allowed. 7.38ERA over that stretch. Jesus H. Christ that is pathetic. I'm not about to say that the starters have been solid by any means, but when you go out there knowing once you get behind you're pretty much fucked it's gotta be tough. With that said, any starting left hander who currently wears a Twins uniform (that means you Perkins and Liriano) please take Punto and go have a suicide party. I've heard they're loads of fun. And with Punto, you're almost guaranteed some butt fucking.

On a positive note, Cabrera is hitting like .450 since his arrival, and Souhan just said on the post game show that "he's not a good #2 hitter because he doesn't take a lot of walks." Not even kidding. Basically the definition of ratard. Either Dick or Bert said last week that before the trade, other than when Mauer was hitting second, the Twins combined for something like a .188 average in that spot. And you're complaining that he doesn't walk much? Fuck you dildo.

I'm pretty much cashing in at this point, I'll keep watching because it gives me something to bitch about and makes me feel like I belong down here in bed shitter country, but it's pretty much time to look forward to next season. However, if the White Sox and Tigers planes collide in mid-air, look out.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Skippy...put your clothes back on

Apparently skipper had too many drugs last weekend and didn't want to put the Wizard suit back on.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Tiger Farts

Take a look as Tiger drops some ass at this past weekends tourney. It is even better when you hear the clip of the announcers talking about him waiting to shoot and he drops ass and giggles.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Twins Trade for LHP Ron Mahay

Ok, actually they didn't, but they might. He makes $4 million a year so it's very possible he'll clear waivers and be eligible for an August trade. Now you might be asking yourself, "Who the fuck cares?" and I couldn't agree more, except for one thing. You see, not only is Mahay a left-handed reliever with an ERA of 3.86, he's also a career .214 hitter. Looking at his career batting stats and comparing them to Punto's stats from this year paints quite the picture as you can see below...

.214 AVG
.696 OPS
Averages 1 home run every 28 AB's.
Averages 1 extra base hit every 7 AB's.

.208 AVG
.574 OPS
Averages 1 home run every 221 AB's
Averages 1 extra base hit every 28 AB's.

I'd compare Casilla too, but I'm fairly confident he'll be sent to Rochester at some point today so whats the point. The only question now is can the Cabrera/Mahay duo up the middle turn a double play? I've heard it's tough for a left hander to play second, but Feever never had a problem with it so it can't be too tough.