Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Final Five: We Hardly Remember Ye

Now, many of us are attending WCHA's Final Five this weekend, and I know how excited we can get about it. Some of us have been busily emailing each other all week in preparation and excitement, while others have been doing fuzzy math during our night shift at the liquor store on the how much we'll save on cheese curds alone if we don't go down to the cities until Saturday night. Needless to say, it's occupied a great deal of our time so far. So much so, that I fear some of you have missed out on a very important day. This past Tuesday was a day that deserves observance, and I think we really missed the boat, collectively. It's a day that celebrates a wonderful story. A day that should be honored. I am talking, of course, about...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Just a little more...


... Patrick Duffy's birthday!

Now, unless you're me, you probably don't go to everyday to read the American Voices section. If you are me, you would have noticed that the last three days' American Voices have all been devoted to Patrick Duffy's bday for some reason. At first I didn't understand why, so I did some digging... and figured out he was the dad on Step-by-Step, and most likely banged Suzanne Sommers in her prime. And maybe had a fling with that brunette stepdaughter from the show that was being so relentlessly pursued by everybody's favorite: Cody (or whatever the dumb guys name was). Who knows - he's fucking Patrick Duffy, anything is possible. In addition, he was on a show called Dallas, which I'm told was a big hit at the time. I think it was about rich cowboys from the 70s, judging by pictures on the interwebs.

In any event, I just wanted everyone to take a second to reflect on what Patrick Duffy and Step-by-Step (No , not Step-by-Step by NKOTB [New Kids on the Block], Step-by-Step the hilarious long-running sitcom with the classic nerd kid with glasses) meant to them. Thanks for your time.


Yes, I do realize I am going to Hell


The Crookston Pirates Special Olympics basketball team completed their season in Perham in the Region 4 tournament. The morning session was individual skills and the athletes all placed well in their divisions. The afternoon had games. There were 3 on 3 half court games (which the majority of teams played) and full court. There were only 2 teams entered in the full court, of which the Pirates were one. The other team was the Perham team, who are the 5 time state champions in the highest division. Apparently no one else wanted to take them on, but the Pirates were willing and able. Last year, they lost 62 -0. This year was different. The Pirates lost both games of the best of three, but there is more to the story than that. This time the scores were 48-6 and 41-5. The athletes stood toe to toe with them and did not let down. By the end, they were exhausted. But, they lived the spirit of the special olympics oath, "Let me win, but if I do not win, let me be brave in the attempt."

Friday, March 13, 2009

Cock Tease from "The Classic"

Seeing this headline got me a little excited, "Punto injures elbow at Classic" Then it all came crashing down as I read the article.

BRADENTON, Fla. -- Nick Punto's departing gift from the World Baseball Classic was not exactly a pleasant one.
The Twins shortstop returned to the clubhouse at Hammond Stadium in Fort Myers, Fla., on Thursday morning with a swollen right elbow, the result of getting drilled by a pitch in Italy's loss to Venezuela on Tuesday night.
Punto had an X-ray on the elbow after that game and it came back negative. The Twins medical staff was going to look over the X-rays he had taken, but the expectation was that Punto will just miss a couple of days while he waits for the swelling to go down.
"It's pretty stiff," Punto said of his elbow. "We'll see. ... The swelling has gone up a bit. It could just be the flight [back to Florida] too."
Although the swollen elbow was a disappointing way to end the Classic for Punto, he said the overall experience was more than he could have imagined. Italy's 6-2 victory over Canada at Rogers Centre in Toronto was an especially memorable moment.
"It was unbelievable," Punto said of the win. "It was exciting for everybody, but it was truly like they won Game 7 of the World Series -- from the manager to the players to the president of the Italian Federation."
While some of Punto's teammates have teased Justin Morneau and Jesse Crain about Team Canada's loss to Italy, the shortstop said he won't be giving those guys any grief.
"I don't even want to touch that," said Punto, who went 1-for-12 with an RBI in three games for Italy. "I'm sure they are still a little sore about it."
The Twins shortstop had so much fun in the event that he said he'd love to take part in when the next Classic rolls around in three years. But he came away with one lesson from it as well. Punto, who has been hit by only one pitch in his Major League career, said that he's going to try to stay out of the way of any errant pitches in the future.
"It hurt," Punto said. "Now I know why I don't get hit by pitches."

I guess it was just too good to be true, cue the blue balls. The shit news for the Twins is that his 0.083 WBC batting average will probably be ready for the regular season. What a fucking pussy, I hate Punto.

And by the way, Doc, did you get the Flux Capacitor fixed and take the fucking Delorean out again? You have an explanation of events on 3/9/2009 posted on 3/6/2009. Simply amazing!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Explanation of Events on 3/9/09

First of all, had I known about the events that had transpired earlier in the day, I would've never thought the Wild would lose last night's game. It wasn't until this morning that I was given the full story, and I'll recount that here to let all of you know exactly how the Wild won last night.

7:00am C-Town Time(CTT)

Here we see our favorite goalie Reeser starting the morning off workin on the rails. I'm not sure where he was planning on going, but I'll bet he never got there.

9:00am CTT
The call comes in from SJ Sharks GM Doug Wilson telling Reese to get his pads out of the basement. It seems Nabakov is out and they're in a pinch. Naturally Reeser is busy having a ciggy so he misses the call, but he'll get the biggest voicemail ever soon enough.

11:00am CTT
Reese puts in a call to Bob Montague pleading for any advice that might help him settle down and be ready for the game. "You've only got one job to do, stop the puck." Nuff said.

12:00pm CTT

Reeser is on a plane and heading for California. Soils all three barf bags in his row. Now working on some Copenhagen.

4:00pm CTT
Rumors start flying around San Jose that this kid from Minnesota is being called up by the Sharks. Nabakov has no comment.

6:00pm CTT

Reeser arrives at the arena to throngs of reporters wondering just who the hell he is. "No comment, talk to the birdie."

8:30pm CTT
Dressed and ready to go, the puke count up to 5, It's finally time to hit the ice. Rob Blake taped over Reese's skate blades and his entrance onto the ice for warmups is a memorable one. That crafty old fuck. In another bizarre move, the Sharks allow The Feever to warm up their new goalie, and all this results in is about 30 head shots and a stick in the nuts. Needless to say Reeser is rattled.

9:30pm CTT
Game Time. Reeser looks to be shitting bricks right now.

10:45pm CTT
We're about half way through the second period and the Sharks have built themselves a 3-0 lead. Reese hasn't had this many shutout minutes since...well never. Maybe in mens league that one time, but that really doesn't count.

11:00pm CTT
Bergeron finally solves the mystery goalie from Minnesota. Apparently someone on the Wild staff was watching film of warmups to get an idea on this kid's weaknesses and noticed after about 13 or 14 head shots he was turtling on every shot above his waist. The call came in to the bench and before anybody knew what happened we were heading to the 2nd intermission with the Wild down just 3-2.

12:00am CTT
With about 8 minutes left in the game and the Sharks clinging to a one goal lead, another tip comes into the the Wild bench. It seems the coach of the high school team in Detroit Lakes is watching the game, and apparently knows a surefire way to get the Wild another goal. He tells the lockerroom staff about a play they ran back in '98 that worked like a charm. "Just bounce the puck from as close to center ice as possible, make sure it hops a couple times and he'll lose it 5-hole." What happened next will live on in highlight shows forever.

Here's a still shot, bulletin board material if you will.

1:00am CTT
Overtime now. Scrum in front of Reeser, he gets shoved aside like a salad in front of skippy, and just like that the Wild leave California with two points. San Jose sent Reese packing, probably his last soiree in the NHL, but you never know.

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it, but it all makes sense now.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


That's all I can say about the picture that previously occupied this space. Thanks pipe smoker. Anyways, I've been hoping somebody would post anything to get that picture to drop down, unfortunately that didn't happen so I'll have to step in. Wilbur sent me a link to his blog, which includes a pretty in-depth preview of the Twins season. I refuse to post it on here due to a couple things; A)My preview is better. B)It's like 6 pages long. C)My preview is all you need to know. Anyways, here's the link to his blog. My only suggestion is to drink more when posting, it makes everything better.

God I can still see that fucking picture.

Hopefully this will take care of that.

Oh yeah, and the Wild are in the midst of a serious ass-whipping at the hands of the Sharks. Either San Jose is really good or the Wild are all drunk. Probably both. It reminds me of what would happen if a varsity high school team played the JV. Which reminds me of one of the worst movies of all time; D3. My favorite part of that movie is when Charlie is crying because he isn't captain anymore and Hans throws a bunch of C's at him. Then he dies. I blame Charlie.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Doug (I shit my pants when it comes doing something productive) Risebrough

Once again another trade deadline has passed us and Doug is caught with his pecker in his hands. This guys has not been able to pull the trigger or get anything done since he made a mess in the 90's out of a Gilmour trade. I am going to suggest he, just like the reporter in Colorado, walk his children to school. Douggie R., congrats, you are the biggest f ing joke right next to Marian (my pussy hurts all day everday) Gaborik. I love Belanger's comments on Gabby when told he was taking some tests, "what, is he getting a degree, he has had enough time off to study for one." I am glad that Doug was working those phones so hard today in attempt to better his team. I guess he felt confident in the fact that we score two goals a game and have a line that includes...Weller, Boogard, and sometimes AHL all star Krys Kolanos. Doug was found in his office today wearing this shitty diaper.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Note To Josh Harding:

Have fun in Detroit next year.


SAINT PAUL/MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. -- Minnesota Wild President and General Manager Doug Risebrough today announced the National Hockey League (NHL) club has re-signed goaltender Niklas Backstrom to a four-year, $24 million contract that will run through the 2012-2013 NHL season