C-Town Bowling Bloggers Team takes last place

Ok, this is just too easy.
Going left to right: Jake Fee, Doc, Skippy (the early years), Buchmaier, Melsh, Sam, Fee standing behind him & it looks like a Reese...they all look the same anyways, so I don't know which one it is.

Back in the Loop

Well, as Russel finally pointed out to me this morning, my email account was fucked up and I didn't receive any email forwarded from my U account like I normally do. Because of that, I wasn't getting updates when things were posted on the blog and just assumed that it was dead and nobody gave a rats ass anymore. Which you probably don't, but as long as somebody still wastes 30 seconds a day checking out this shit hole I guess I can keep posting useless information that will inevitably make you feel smarter. This post won't do that though. I'm a busy mother fucker and I have shit to do. That couch isn't going to keep itself from floating away, not on my watch anyways. Punto sucks, Gardy is gay, Skippy is fat. Peace out.

Oh yeah, this is what we needed...

Apparently the bullpen was running out of ways to fuck up a lead or their gopher balls weren't going far enough. Nope, they just had to fuckin bring him back...that's right boys and Skippy, the Crain-wreck is back. I'm guessing he'll be in tonight in the 7th and give up a half a bushel. Man, do I love the Twins.

This turned out to be waaaaaay too much work...

So as the current leader in the club house in “wow they have really let themselves go since playing (insert high school/middle school sport here)” , I felt obligated to give you my All-Metrodome Team. This is a team of guys that when you see them now, it’s a double take and, “No. That really can’t be him? Wow, what the hell happened to him?” Also, this is a fitting list for those who affectionately call each other, “Tons of Fun” “Skiddles” “Fat Boy” “Tubby” “Fat Ass” “Skidder” “Chocolates” “Skippy” “Slim” and any other fat appropriate names. And without any further wastes of key strokes, here’s the All- Oh My God He Got Fat All-Metrodome Team.

Kent Hrbek—1st Base
Ok, his rookie stats say that he weighed 200 pounds. Uh huh. Here he looks like John Candy in the Great Outdoors.

Al Newman—2^nd BaseI really don’t think the “after” picture gives much justice to just his level of obvious indulgence.

Cristian Guzman—SSI get it, he’s not that fat now, but compared to the awkwardly skinny kid he was when he started with the Twins, yeah, you’re fat.

Scott Leius—3^rd Base

And just because: Is that Tom Hunt?

Tim Laudner—CatcherYou doubled in size, screw you, you’re fat too.

Marty Cordova—OF I guess that could have been Widman too?

Matt Lawton—OF Skinny punk to semi-fat? Still has the label fat in it, fat boy.

Mickey Hatcher—OF

Notable omission: Kirby. Yeah, he got fat after the fact, but he’s still Puck and I still like him, too much to put him in here. RIP Puck aka “Fat Little Shit”—Noella Melbye

Juan Berenguer—RPSenior Smoke must have been up to something…something near 350 after he finished. Mexican food is damn good if done right, so I’ll give him that.

Eddie Guardado –RP

Everyday Eddie filled out his uniform more and more as his career continued on…and still does today.

Frank Viola—SP

Nobody “rounds out” the staff like Sweet Music. Really, really rounds it.

Video Problems

Am I the only one who can't view the videos?

Or is this like the story about the emporer and his new clothes...

It's Go Time!

Well it certainly has been one fuck of a month, but things are starting to get back to normal, and along with that I think it's time to fire up this poor excuse of a blog again.

I fully intended to do a live blog of the Twins opener, but I didn't crack a beer until the first pitch and just wasn't feeling it. After watching the game it's probably a good thing because I would've gotten bored and quit typing the minute Derr bounced into that inning/comeback/rally/game - ending double play. After that the only joy I got was watching the Gurrain Train derail and put to rest any remaining hope. Guerrier managed to keep his ERA at 0.00 for the time being, even though he was on the hill for the two 9th inning runs. Ol' Crainwreck wasn't so lucky however, as he saw his ERA shoot up to 13.50 where it should remain for the duration of the season. Here's hoping that was the last time we see either of those mental patients pitch in a meaningful situation this year. I realize that is certainly not the case, but it gives me something to hope for anyways. Fuck.

MVP - Mike Redmond

It seems like every game he gets his ass battered worse than Skippy in prison, and yet he never comes out of a game. He's either really tough or really dumb, neither of which would surprise me. And on top of taking a broken bat to the head last night, he still had the Twins' only extra base hit and scored the only run. That fucker is alright in my book. Well, I don't really have a book, but if I did he'd be on the cover.

Friday NIght in Kato

I am not saying that I totally agree with Don and his commnents....as I have been known to drink beer and yell at sporting events myself. However, I was in attendance last week at Mankato and it was a nightmare...it was like listening to doc, as he coahced skippy in a Saturday morning session with the BIG E to the P treee. I sat behind and to the right of the Minnesota bench...surrounded by retards. I will be the first to say that the Gophers sucked, their D sucked, Kangas sucked, their whole team sucked. It put me in about as much pain to watch them as Bucky H. was in the first time he contracted the clap from a young Jacob Reese in the shower.

What I think Lucia was referring too, was the inbread Mankato people sitting behind the bench dropping louder F bombs (than any of us ever have at the Final 5), yelling at everyone around them, throwing things at the bench, yelling at the players, and to top it all off, throwing numerous beer bottles on the ice. These people were insane, fucking idiots. I can tell you that captain jackass who works the aisles during the Final 5 would have had these guys booted in about 8 minutes. There were three guys in front of me who looked like it was their first time drinking, from my count, they dropped 5 to 6, 16 oz. bottles all while hugging like faggots and stinking of dirty mankato women's panty froth throughout the game. No lie, these guys stunk....get in the shower buddy. What topped the night off was the three dads from Mankato (i am guessing in their 40's) who got up and repeatedly would bang on the side of the U's bench and yell obscenities at the players...in front of 5-6 yr old kids. I have posted a picture of those two clowns.

Oh Canada!

So I'm stuck watching the Wild on a Canadian feed again tonight. Thanks FSN. Boogaard is basically chasing May around the rink every time he's out there, well both times he's been out there. During one of these chases, the Maple Leaf anouncers had some dyn-o-mite banter going back and forth. To sum it up, the play by play fag was talking about how Boogaard doesn't get into too many fights anymore because everyone in the league knows he's trying to hurt people when he fights. huh? The color guy jumps in and says something to the effect of "no shit sherlock". The first fag must've realized he sounded like skippy explaining the left-wing lock because at that point he circled the wagon and tried to justify his comment. not a good idea. it went something like this: well, you know most players when they fight are trying to set the tone, not necessarily hurt the other player. Boogaard is just too big for that, if you get in a fight with him, there's a good chance you'll get hurt. The 2nd guy must've wanted to slap that homo, instead he threw down a comment asking if he thought they should shadow box or something like that and the queer had no response, just dropped the topic. awesome. this is the shit you expect to hear when listening to people in phoenix talk about hockey, not so much torontonites. i'll assume thats what they're called. if not, they should be.

enough about that, did anyone else get any text messages from the feever this weekend? i have one on my phone with the quote "hextall for hobey". not even kidding. i would love to see a post on here with some reasoning behind that. the floor is yours feever.

and to quote russel and explain the picture above, when referring to blake "he'll always look like the result of a botched abortion." couldn't agree more. In keeping with the retard theme, there's a new poll on the right for coolest retard in C-Town history. There's been some good ones, but I think if you were putting together an all-star team these would be at the top of the list.

Quick Question

Why the fuck are the Wild wearing white at home tonight? Anybody?

Another couple of questions pertaining to the Wild. And i have to watch it on the Kings feed which is stupid. I wonder how Zidlicky's name is listed in the media guide. I swear every announcer this season other than Terhaar and Greenlay pronounce it Zid-lit-ski or some variance of that. Really annoying. Also, these clowns keep saying Bo-guard. Which is also interesting that he's had about 3 shifts already in the first 15 minutes of the game. And i haven't seen him fight yet this year. I guess when you put on a youth fighting clinic in the offseason you get a reputation around the league. Sort of how Skippy has a reputation that makes cooks shiver when he walks into a buffet. I'm sure that comment will lead to a Hammy story of a young lady shivering in downtown Minneapolis, but I say bring it on.

*UPDATE* I checked around a little bit and solved the Zidlicky query.

Marek Židlický (pronounced [ˈmarɛk ˈʒɪdlɪtskiː]

So there you have it. Not sure how you could confuse that. Fucking foreigners. Did i catch a niner in there?

One more observation, and not to nitpick, but these guys are fucking brutal. Now they're talking about Gaborik's ball region being broken, and they keep saying Gob-o-rick. Homos.

The Return of Random Thoughts...

*UPDATE* Just heard about the fire at the Hunt's place this morning. That sucks balls. Glad everyone got out alright. If i was looking for a cause, I'd check for any empty Miller Lite bottles outside near the hot tub, possibly half full of chew spit. Then i'd look around for Marlboro Light butts. If either of those are present, i'm going to assume that a situation similar to the hot tub situation on "Out Cold" was happening last night and somehow got out of control. Way to go Feever. Those jets sure are warm on a cold night though. Ok, back to your regularly scheduled worthlessness...

Well it's been quite some time since anybody has done anything on here. Looking at who usually puts shit on here and the level of laziness each of us possesses, it's no wonder. After the Wild took a nose dive in the standings and the Gophs got whipped last weekend, there was really no reason for anything on here as far as I'm concerned.

With the help of many many Morgan Cokes, i was able to completely erase last weekend from my brain. As far as i'm concerned, the Gophs had the weekend off and have been focusing on St. Cloud this weekend.

It's also Hockey Day Minnesota this Saturday, which means i'll be drinking beer all day and occasionally venturing out to the backyard to warm up. It's supposed to be in the mid 70's here this weekend, and right now it's 84 degrees warmer here than it is in c-town (62 here and -22 c-town). God that's gotta suck.

Feever just emailed some garbage about some fucker on the sioux who is apparently a pest or some shit. That would've probably been something to email around Gopher/Sioux weekend, but since they don't play this year i guess he just couldn't resist. what a retard.

also, i read in the feever that Wids had another fucking kid and named it cuntswayla or some shit. i'm probably going to text him congratulations and remind him that he's not mexican.

not sure about you a-holes, but we get monday off for dead black guy day. black people rock. well once a year anyways. i'll spend the day recovering from a hangover i'm sure. wouldn't have it any other way.

ok thats enough for now, i should pretend to care what these people are doing in class. gay.

one more thing, has anyone found skippy's cell phone? i'm assuming he lost it because i haven't gotten a single call from him lately, and usually it's atleast one a week and goes something like this...

"fattttty, what's up?"
"not a damn thing, watching tv."
"oh yeah, i'm just working at the liq, bored as hell. did you watch the gophs last weekend? hang on there's a customer here................(in background) oh yeah, did you watch the gophs last weekend?........." that's usually when i hang up and ignore all subsequent calls.

so if anyone has seen his phone, please return it. you can probably just drop it off at mcdonalds, he should have it by this afternoon.

oh yeah, and i'll probably update the shit on the right border at some point, but don't hold your breath. does anyone even look at that shit anyways? i'm thinking of trying something different on there, we'll see how that goes.

Gotta love those city and County workers

This story reminds me of the time a dedicated, hard working, park shop emloyee almost dumped his mower off the wrong side of the dike. I am sure they used the name Mike Raymond to cover up the fact that it was really skippy who lost control of the machine as Mo town was sucking his balls dry...not to mention what she did to him on his own workbench earlier that day.

CROOKSTON, Minn. - A county worker in Crookston is in trouble after his snowplow ended up at the bottom of a frozen river.
Mike Raymond was working a graveyard shift early Monday cleaning snow from county parking lots. He decided to take his John Deere 544 loader on a side trip to clean off a boat ramp on the frozen Red Lake River.
Raymond says he wanted to make it easier for people who pull fish houses on trailers onto the river. He so happens to have a fish house on the river himself — but tells the Grand Forks Herald that's not why he wanted to clear the area.
Raymond's plans went awry when the $200,000 loader slid down the cement ramp, broke through the ice and sank to the bottom about five feet from the bank. Raymond called 911, and emergency workers helped him out.
It took divers and equipment until noon Monday to get the loader out of the river. Raymond's boss says he will be disciplined.
___

Celebration....come on

Yes, the Twins finally made an off season acquisition. As Twins fans, we can now all calm down knowing that Nick "i lick sweaty balls" Punto will be back for two more years with the Twins. It is sure that his .207 batting average is going to help the team out. This guy has the same amount of offensive skills as skippy does on the work bench. Watching Punto play ball is like watching a young Matt Murphy, in net for the VFW Bantam team. Punto's smile in this picture also brings me back to the days of a happy go lucky Bucky H! Let's go Twins.

Ask and you shall receive...

Due to popular demand. Ok, just Melsh as far as i know, but he's pretty popular in his own right. Here's the tentative itinerary for the week:

Thursday December 11th
10:07am - Beav, Skippy, and Russel fly in to Phoenix
10:30am - Arrive home
10:45am - Drink beer in backyard, play beer pong
3:45pm - Arrive at Jobing.com Arena and begin tailgating
7:00pm - Wild vs Coyotes

Friday December 12th
Noon - Wake up
1:00pm - Golf
5:30pm - BWW or another bar
7:00pm - Bonfire at home

Saturday December 13th
Noon - Wake up
1:00pm - Golf
3:30pm - Funugyz or another bar
5:00pm - Gophers vs Colorado College
8:00pm - Salty Seniorita's or another bar

Sunday December 14th
8:00am - Wake up
9:00am - Arrive at University of Phoenix Stadium and begin tailgating
2:00pm - Vikings vs Cardinals
2:15pm - Skid asked to leave stadium
5:30pm - The Gym or another bar
8:00pm - Bonfire at home

Monday December 15th
???? - Retards head back to Minnesota

I'll try to update throughout the weekend, but there's no guarantee i'll be able to recognize, let alone use a computer.

By the way, the picture above could represent any and all of us at any point this weekend.

Check 1, Check 2

I've really got nothing. Just wanted to make sure this thing still worked. It does. System check complete. And Skippy is coming to visit next week. I'll make sure to stock up on twinkies and moon pies.

What the Fuck is Denver's Logo?

I understand that Denver's mascot is a Pioneer. But seriously, what is this? Is it a chicken? Is it Skid's drawing of a menstruating vagina? Who knows. What I know is Denver got swept by JBSU last week. That means that either they aren't very good or they played like dog shit last week. DU was picked to finish 2nd in the WCHA, so I am going to guess they had an off week. They have a bunch of good players, but I can't spell any of their names. I think Joe Bozyk might play for them. The good thing is that Peter Mannino doesn't play for them anymore. Instead, I think they are playing Tim Cheveldae. He wasn't good ten years ago, and he's not good now.

Minnesota comes in as the #1 rated team in the nation. It's November, so polls don't mean a whole lot, but it's better to be a fan of #1 than to be a fan of green and black (fun fact: UND's official school colors are pink and green). Minnesota's first line of Stoa, Schroeder, and Barribal has produced all year and this week should be no different. The rest of the line up needs to start contributing. Look for tDon to mix up the lines a bit in order to try and generate some offense. Minnesota's D has to keep doing what they've been doing all year, tight in their own end and get the puck out of the zone. You will also see more of the same from Alex Kangas, who is coming off his first WCHA shutout.

I think the Gophers might be catching DU at the right time and might be able to pull out a sweep, but the thin air might get to them, so a split is more likely.



Sidenote: Canadians smoke Players, not Parliaments.

Télévision Canadienne

Après le fait de regarder la nourriture canadienne pour le jeu Sauvage ce soir, je déteste le Canada plus que jamais. Oubliez le fait que le Sauvage a perdu à Curtis baisant Sanford, le hosers l'action du jeu était le plus grand homers que je voyais jamais .

To sum up the gibberish above, the Wild got beat by Curtis Fucking Sanford tonight. And i have never hated Canada more. The only good thing about watching a hockey game from a Canadian feed is the commercials. No saved by zero bullshit, no subway, no brett favre, simply beer and hockey. Other than that, they are a bunch of retarded eskimos. The between period commentators actually made this comment after the first period: "the Canucks probably risked playing Sanford tonight since the Wild are only going to get a half dozen shots on goal per period at the most." Quick fact: shots after 1 period - Wild 9, Canucks 8. Now don't get me wrong, i'm sure this guy was pounding Kokanees throughout the period and probably took a few breaks for a parliament (no offense russel), but really? you honestly think they sat the butler from mr. deeds because the Wild don't take many shots on net? really? it sounded like widman trying to argue about how good the bears are. absolutely brutal. now the commentators during the game realized early on that the reason they started the retard was simply because luongo played last night, but the guys between periods, not so much. getting back to the commentators during the game, they weren't anything to write home about either. What happened to the guy the canucks used to have call their games who also provided the voice for every NHL game on X-box over the years? he was money. used to make real games feel like we were sitting at the old duplex in forks watching fee run up the score on latvia or some such shit.

keep your eyes open for some money posts saturday. the warden is hosting a michigan/ohio state party and while normally i couldn't give two shits less about that, the game starts at 10am arizona time so i'm in for another full day of drinking. i'm going to try to steer clear of the sailor jerry as long as possible, but we all know how that will play out.

also, taking a puck to the head is no excuse for not posting a gopher puck preview. god knows none of us wants to read any type of anything from skippy, but he's been pining for a chance to be the go-to guy for gopher hockey on here. we all know how that will go. well if not, here's how i see it...

Gophs match up well with the Denver Tigers this weekene.d. i probly wont see much of the game since ill be hammering away at some rookie puss all night, but they should probably sweeeeeeeeeeep! thats right, you heard it here first, 6 points for the gophs this weekend. and wtf und? the suzies are gay! hahahahaha lol skippy out

gave me crabs just typing that. or maybe it was hammy's mom, i can't remember. don't let us down russel.

Where has the retard been??

Like everyone else in this world, I am wondering where Joe make hockey time has been this year. It was rumored that he had a concussion earlier this season. I figured his mush brain might be back in time for the Wisconsin series but I guess not. I think UND may have just finally realized that he is a liability, waiting to be the cause of a national apology for something stupid he is bound to do.

Side Theory:
This picture of Bucky Badger was sent to the Ralph last week. It appears that Bucky had been using Skippy’s work bench to get in some pectoral building pushups in anticipation for his rematch against the big dumb kid from UND. Joe caught Bucky off guard last year in the hallway and now it was time for Bucky to get his revenge. It seems that Joe preferred to stay on the short bus, licking windows, and shitting his diaper this weekend in order to avoid the ass kicking that Bucky was about to bring upon the young lad.

Random Observations

First thing first - it's not a good idea to start drinking Sailor Jerry at 9am. Ever.

As a direct result of this, I'm pretty sure everyone who was sitting in section 110 between rows G - I during the Wild game Saturday night are quite aware of a couple things;

1. Martin Skoula is retarded and sounds like a drunken monkey when he talks. He is also completely lost every time he steps on the ice and says things like "hey coach, i'm retarded and don't know what to do good." not sure what that means, but apparently i mentioned it many many times throughout the game.

2. "hit him with your purse, you pussy" is not only acceptable to say during a hockey game, but it's encouraged. doesn't matter that there is atleast 5 kids under 12 sitting within earshot, it's still a go. as long as you say it more than 10 times. and i'm pretty sure i had that covered before the first period was 8 minutes old. good stuff.

3. it's entirely possible to drink 7 16-ounce beers during one hockey game. don't forget they stop selling after the 2nd period. in light of that fact, make sure during the 2nd intermission you go up and get 2 beers not once, but twice. they won't let you buy 4 at once so you have to be crafty. well worth it. *disclaimer* this will probably lead to blacking out before you leave the arena. i know i did. i'm betting that taco bell food was really good though.

4. when you're cheering for the visiting team at a hockey game, and your team scores, immediately stand up, cheer, then turn around and point at any other individuals wearing a jersey/shirt/hat of the team you're cheering for. take my word on this one, just because you don't know them and will never see them again, for that minute you are pretty much brothers. and while you're at it, pop your jersey a few times if you're wearing one and then point at any and all home fans while staring directly through them. they need to feel you staring into their souls.

5. after the game, call paulette and ask her how the gophs did. don't worry if it's after midnight in c-town, she'll be up. probably really excited to hear from you too. and no, it doesn't matter if you wake up and ask yourself "i wonder how the gophs did last night."

All in all, it was a real shit show. Kendra will not be attending the Wild game with us in December. she said after the way i acted at the game last night and the fact that i'll have more retards helping me out, it isn't anything she wants to be a part of. this at least guarantees us a sober ride home, so you can thank me later.

5 weeks from Thursday and the official gong show can begin. I already notified the company that supplies cheese curds in the area and they'll be doubling their production in anticipation of Skippy's visit. I've set the bar pretty high for retardation at a Wild game, but i'm sure with enough beer and maybe a bottle of Sailor Jerry's, we'll be able to get the job done.

My liver hurts, i'm going to bed.

Gophers vs. Mavs

vs.

I'm not going to do a preview on the Minnesota/MSUM series because I'm lazy and I know nothing about Mankato, other than their goalie is good and the town smells like rotten potatoes. And if you see what looks like a drunken moose dressed in a Gopher jersey in the stands, pour one out for your boy Skippy.

Wild @ Stars

Wild Starting Lineup (fom what I've seen, might not be official)

G - Jamie McLennan
D - Brad Bombardir
D - Lubomir Sekeras
W - Sylvain Blouin
C - Darby Hendrickson
W - Maxim Sushinski

1st Period - *vomit*

They've brought back a collection of stiffs from 2000-2003. These were the guys on the ice when they hoped to eke out a 1-0 loss. Fucking disgusting to watch. I flipped over to the World Series for the time being. On a side note, I'm pretty sure Beav based his play in men's league on Sylvain Blouin and the way he carried himself on the ice.

UPDATE

Ok, Philly just won as Erik Hinske struck out. Erik Hinske? Yep. And the funny part is he was pinch hitting for Bartlett. I'm pretty sure Bartlett was voted the Rays MVP this season. And they pinch hit for him with 2 outs in the 9th down by one in an elimination game of the World Series. Not that I really care, and probably would've missed it if the Wild weren't busy shitting themselves, but still.

And another fun fact, the Wild are no longer perfect on the penalty kill this season. Probably won't be the only NHL team without a regulation loss after tonight either as they're getting worked 4-1 right now by the Stars.

On the bright side, it's Thursday tomorrow. Which means after that its Friday. Go ahead and check your calendar Skippy, I'm not fucking with you.