Fat Jesus

Carl Pohlad still Fucking with the Twins?!?!

According to ESPN Insider, owner Carl Pohlad "didn't sound like he was going to change the club's approach" during a session with the media earlier this week when discussing the contract extension for Joe Mauer and the club's policy on not deferring money in contracts. That's fucking creepy, being that Carl Pohlad died in January 2009. The post says that Sid Hartman was the one who reported this so there might have been a seance at the Star Tribune.

Here's the link: http://insider.espn.go.com/mlb/features/rumors

I don't know if Carl Pohlad will be involved with the Mauer negotiations, but maybe he can talk Kirby out of retirement. I didn't think that there was a corn field in the spot Target Field was built, but I guess don't know too much about the warehouse district in Minneapolis.

Merry Christmas, Fuckers

Fun Fact

Team Goalie Opponent GA Game Notes

District 5 Goldberg Hawks 17 First game against the Hawks.

Crookston Reese Fargo 18 Reese is worse than Goldberg.

Just enjoying a day off and watching the first Ducks movie on TV and noticed the final score of the first game Bombay coaches ends 17-0. Nice.

EDIT - The columns line up in the preview, not so much in the post. You get the idea. Reese was more pathetic than Goldberg. And Reese had goalie pads, Goldberg had magazines taped to his legs.

Jimmy "B-Rabbit" Smith Jr. from 8-Mile?

I don't even know how to describe it, you just need to watch it:

Katie Perry Wants Me

If Katie Perry wants to get my attention she is doing a good job. Yeah, she used a nickname I haven't gone by in recent years, but I'll forgive her, her tits are marvelous. Besides, she could call me shit-brick monkey fucker and I would probably cum in my pants just from her looking at me.

Reminds Me of Someone...

So this guy was arrested on Halloween for DUI and got his mugshot taken while still wearing his sweet breathalyzer costume. Apparently he was only a .16 which is pretty weak, but props for the costume. I'm reminded of new year's eve a few years back when somebody got thrown in the drunk tank in Fargo wearing a D.A.M.M. (Drunks Against Mad Mothers) t-shirt. Fucking classy.

Also, I have obtained actual video footage of "the dance" from last weekend's wedding and will be posting it here shortly. Pure gold. Stay tuned.

You're Doing It Wrong

I hate to bump Will's awesome post from the top spot, but it's time. Here we have the audio from quite possibly the best 911 call ever. And no it's not Doc calling the cops on his own party. Although I'm guessing this lady is a not so distant relative of his.

C-Town Bowling Bloggers Team takes last place

Ok, this is just too easy.
Going left to right: Jake Fee, Doc, Skippy (the early years), Buchmaier, Melsh, Sam, Fee standing behind him & it looks like a Reese...they all look the same anyways, so I don't know which one it is.

Thanks Melsh

Knowing nobody in C-Town would be able to watch the Gophers vs Denver game Saturday night due to Melsh's wedding, FSN has decided not to televise the game until Sunday afternoon. Apparently the producers heard that all 14 TVs in the Gopher Hole would be silent Saturday and televising live wasn't going to be cost-effective. Also might have something to do with a Wild game, but that hasn't been confirmed as of yet.

I've never had a good experience with the whole tape delayed aspect, somebody always spills the beans or I'll get impatient and just look online for the score. Regardless, the game will be shown pretty much right after the Vikes game Sunday. Should make for a good time nursing a hangover.

On The Board

Gophers find a way to put points on the scoreboard and a point in the standings to salvage a bit of dignity out of an overall pathetic weekend in GF. Tony Lucia is the most untalented captain I can remember for the Gophs. Nick Leddy looks like Nick Bergan. Aaron Ness looked like Aaron Amiot. Not a very optimistic weekend overall. At least I'm hammered and probably won't remember much of it tomorrow. On a positive note, the Gophs appear to have 2 solid options in goal this year, although I'd be more excited if Russel had another year of eligibility. Speaking of Russel, NHL.com is reporting that his contract was extended today. Way to go buddy. And one last thing, according to my computer it's 88 degrees out right now. And it's almost 8pm. Suck it.

Fuckin Gross

Lucia better come out of the locker room with a limp from kicking so many asses. I haven't seen hockey this pathetic since 1997 when the C-Town JV team was led by Dougie J. Sad.

#8 Gophers vs #4 North Dakota

Usually by the time these teams meet we've all had a few games to figure out who's going to have the upperhand in C-Town's most heated rivalry I can think of. This year, however, this game is going to mark the first time many of us have seen any college hockey for about 6 months. None of that matters though, there isn't a team in all of sports that I hate more than the fucking Sioux. Honestly I'm having a hard time looking at that fucking indian head at the top of this post as I'm typing this, just makes me wanna puke.

I'm aware that in the cities and on campus the Badgers are probably a bigger rival for the Gophs in all sports, but up north it doesn't get any bigger than this one. Unless your name is Skippy, you're either a Sioux fan or a Gopher fan. There's no other options. And we all know Skippy just likes to cheer for the flashing red light after anybody scores a goal, especially Colorado College for some reason. What a fag.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that if Melsh had scheduled his wedding a week earlier, there would've been an intermission so everybody could gather at the bar and watch the game.

Being that the games this weekend are in Grand Forks, I'm assuming that some of you a-holes are going to make the trip across the border and take in the game(s) first hand. I fully expect a barrage of F-Bombs which lead to moms and their children covering their ears and possibly shedding a few tears.

Also, if anybody takes part in a pre-game drink or 10 at Suite 49, it's a well known fact that paying your tab is unnecessary. Simply drink as much as possible, when you're ready to go order another round and when the waiter walks away, follow him up and head for the parking lot. Once there, you'll need to dip and dive behind cars while crossing the parking lot and head for the Ralph. Really quite simple. You're welcome. Also, Indian children are born alcoholics. See example to the right.

That's about all I got for now, should be a fun week leading up to the games this weekend. I'm counting on Russel to get his shit together and put together some sort of series preview with stats and all that shit, and being that it's only Tuesday there's a good chance it's already on tap. Stay tuned.

Nice Work 8

Fitting end to the season. The little engine that could tried just a little too hard. Of all the times the retarded midget slides head first into a base for no apparent reason, why did he have to round it this time? Fucking idiot. And I edited that picture when I was hammered. Still pretty sweet, but a little Skippyish looking. You get the point though. Thanks to Russel for sending me the material. I'll try to do better next time.

Twins vs Yankees Game 3

You know how they always do the Madden simulation before the Super Bowl and end up picking the winner like 90% of the time? Well they do. So I decided it was on me to do the same for game 3 of this series. The most up to date baseball game I own is Baseball Stars for NES, and I'm thinking this will do the job just fine. As you can see below, things turn out alright for the home team. After a slow start, the Twins rattled off 34 runs in the 5th inning before depleting the Yankees bullpen to the point of surrender. The two hits collected by the Yankees were singles that landed in the stands behind the Twins dugout, yet somehow ruled fair by umpire Phil Cuzzi. Also Nick Punto had an error, that dumb motherfucker. Short of the Yankees plane crashing on the way to Minnesota tonight, I can't think of a better result. Stay tuned for the game 4 simulation.

Phil Cuzzi Can Lick My Butthole

You've got one fucking job to do all night. Watch the game and if a ball lands on one side of the white line near you, point towards the field. If it lands outside that same line, hold both your faggy fucking hands up. There is absolutely no fucking excuse for missing that call when the ball lands less than 10 fucking feet from your face. If I ever see you in person I will twist off your head and spike it onto the floor of a nightmare you can't even imagine. Your children are in immediate and unbelievable danger. Fuck you, you fucking piece of monkey shit. Oh yeah, Joe Nathan, you're in the same fucking boat. You fucking fucker. Go fuck yourself.

Twins vs Yankees

We all know New York isn't invincible. Remember them Twin Towers? They went down just like any building in any city. Time to go Al Queda on their asses.

Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

I figured Doc would have written something about the Twins by now, but apparently he is too busy traumatizing the youth of Arizona. I know that's important, but you've got to prioritize. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the Twins/Yankees series. The Twins suck and we all know it. The only reason they are even in the playoffs is because they play in the major league equivalent to Section 4. You think Fergus went to all those state tournaments in hockey because they were good? Fuck no, it was because they had to beat the deaf and the blind to get there.

Any team that features Robbie Ringstad at second and Corky from Life Goes On at third has no shot. If those two gotards are the best options it says a lot. Believe it or not, Morneau's injury has fucked up the outfield more than the infield. With Cuddy moving to first we are left with two of the slowest corner outfielders ever. You might as well have me and Hoover out there holding down the fort. Not only that, with Kubel having to play the field that leaves Brendan Harris to DH. Wait, what? Brendan Harris? Brendan fucking Harris? You've got to be kidding me. You could argue that Jose 'Eddy Munster' Morales might be a better option, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't made contact in 3 weeks. Don't even get me started on the pitching. To sum up, they're horsehit covered in dog vomit.

While I'm on the topic of shitty sports teams, I'd like to throw out a tip to the Wild: It's a lot easier to win games if you don't spot the other team 3 goals.

On another note, 30 years and 9 months ago Tom and Moan got it on. Nine months later, Moan gave birth to a lovely baby moose. Happy birthday, Skipper.

Edit: I was able to track down a picture of how Skipper plans to celebrate his birthday.

Holy Shit Balls

Bobby Keppel gets a win, Carlos Gomez gets a hit and scores the winning run on a hit by Alexi Casilla. Yeah, good one asshole. There is no possible way that any of those three things can possibly happen. Ever. Especially not in the same game. And yet on my tv right now some idiots wearing twins shit are pouring champagne and beer on each other. Probably the best Twins game I've ever seen, if you can think of one better let me know. Also, Orlando Cabrera must smoke crack on the bench. That ADHD motherfucker was bouncing around like crazy when trying to give an interview. Awesome stuff.

Ok, enough with the praise for this team. We might as well stick with what worked the last month, giving up hope and counting them out.

I'll guarantee they're on vacation in a week. I'll call scores of 17-0, 13-2, and 8-5 all favoring the Yankees. It's been fun, but they might as well just stay at the dome and get hammered all night because it really won't matter come tomorrow.

Also, I know those aren't actual shit balls at the top, but the pictures that popped up when I searched for "balls of shit" were pretty disturbing. We'll go with this one.

I like where he's going with this...