Live Twins Blog - Part II

8:38
TWINS WIN! TWINS WIN! 1ST PLACE BITCHES! and i'm drunk on a Thursday. Fuck Sam for being at the game. Gomez is trying to talk to Telly Hughes right now, he just reminded me of Peter Griffin when he said the entire alphabet in 1/3 of a second. if i had to guess, he has drank atleast 30 red bulls tonight.

8:35
i hate punto a little less after that play. but that's like saying that skippy is a little less fat getting down to 295. it's still a shit load of hate/weight. casilla should lead us into the 11th here.

8:32
Winning run at 2nd with Span up and 2 outs. I say walk Span and get to Casilla if i'm Ozzie. but thank god i'm not because then i couldn't speak english or work in america legally.

8:27
Time to check out the bullpen for tonight. keep in mind they are the reason the twins aren't up by 5 games on the sox right now.

6 1/3 innings, 2 hits (both by the fuck ass crain), 0 runs. where the fuck was this a month ago? and we still have the crazy fat mexican in the cupboard. heading to the bottom of 10, Harris, Punto, and Gomez due up. Time to get it done, i don't wanna have to break into the bud lights.

8:22
jesus christ another 3 minute half inning. once again thanking god that i'm not at the dome sobering up right now.

8:19
x-rays on slowey are negative. so are reviews of his pitching after the 3rd inning.

EDIT: the comment above i blame on the Natty Lights. Sounds like something Skippy would say. I apologize.

9th inning and we got morneau, cuddy, and young due up. not quite the hann, melbye, hann days of mick's office, but you can't have it all.

8:14
Nathan just threw a pitch that i'm pretty sure bounced on the turf in front of the dirt in front of home plate. and hit mauer close to the cookies. cup check.

8:11
Thank you Alfonso Marquez. He must hate that little weirdo Swisher as much as i do because it sure looked like ball 4 to me. although that next fuckbag would've grounded into a DP so it doesn't fucking matter.

8:07
I've only got 2 Natty's left, so if this goes into extra innings i'm looking at about 5 bud light bottles Weiner left behind last weekend. it's not all bad. Nathan is in, as is that little weirdo Nick Swisher. god i hate him too. fag.

8:02
if you gave up and weren't watching, fuck off. twins try the suicide squeeze to go ahead and casilla shits the bed. next pitch he pulls a jock jones and strikes out on a pitch that bounced on home plate. mauer ruins my theory by bouncing to 1st with the go ahead run on 3rd, but we're heading to the 9th tied up. and the best thing about watching on tv as opposed to being at the dome? they don't stop beer sales after the 7th here. giggity giggity.

8:00
HOLY FUCKING SHIT

7:56
Jenks is in. with his blonde chin hair shit. fat fucking queer. he looks like a white, right-handed dennys reyes. i would sleep with gomez. 4-4 and pulls the twins within 1.

7:50
Harris lines a double down the 3rd base line, i swear if you look close you can see punto with a head-first slide into the batters box. they also just showed bobby jenks and he has a faggy blonde chin hair thing going on too. god i hate this fucking team. and did i mention punto is up, i hope he gets traded to the sox the day before their plane crashes into the engelstad arena during the sioux practice. oh and mark kiszla is flying the plane. yeah, lets go with that.

7:48
Breslow gets AJ swinging to end the top of the 8th, prompting guardado to flag down the hot dog guy and do his best joey chesnut impersonation. sit down fat boy.

7:44
If eddie guardado comes in to pitch in this game i quit. and i say that as he's warming up alongside bobby korecki. fuckin gross

7:39
did that just happen? 3 fucking minutes and the half inning is over? skippy couldn't even finish that quick after a couple beers.

7:36
Well, with one trip through the lineup left, Twinkies trail by 2. Derr is determined to get his average below .300 before the night is over going 0-4. he's ready for hockey season to start. Cuddy is in. and promptly retired on one pitch. down to 7 outs left and Delmon is up. after him, it's buscher, punto, and gomez. fuck me.

7:29
Crain still sucks. Oregon State now leads 21-0 at halftime.

7:25
And now Crain is in. Is it too much to ask for a liner to ricochet off his forehead and go right back to Mauer for an out? i don't want it to kill him, just cut off all motor skills and leave him a spit-bubble blowing retard in a wheelchair.

7:20
Mauer proves my theory right once again. runner on 1st, grounder to 2nd. make him take a pitch and send the runner. the chances of stealing the base is better than him doing anything else. even if it's eddie guardado on 1st, send him.

7:14
Gomez doesn't suck as much as he used to. And Chris Wise looks like a blind parapalegic in left. On a side note, USC is down 14-0 to Oregon State late in the 2nd quarter.

7:12
if i had to rate my 5 least favorite MLB players right now, i'd go with:
5. Jesse Crain - he's gay.
4. Juan Uribe - just because he's up right now and has that gay blonde chin shit.
3. AJ Pierzynski - No comment necessary.
2. David Eckstein - Crow-hops should not be necessary on a throw to first from SS.
1. Nick Punto - I hope he dies of ghonorhea which he contracted from a goat.

7:05
Boof is in. i think its time to put him on skippy's diet, he's been horseshit since he lost weight. and we all know losing weight is not on the menu at skippy's place.

7:01
Twins squander another opportunity. actually buscher is still up with an 0-2 count, but i'm gonna go out on a limb and guess failure. he's gay.

6:56
Kubel with a single to right. Bert breaks out the "dies in front of Dye" remark and thinks its clever as hell. i need to get to his level of drunk.

6:53
Damn Russel, it's like we're watching the same game or something. And Mauer continues with his "nobody is on first so i can get a hit" theory. up to .331 now. time for the silly canadian to earn those MVP chants.

6:50
Fat Mexican Part I gets Griffey looking like Jock Jones to end the mess that Guerrier got em into. And i got yelled at for grabbing more beer out of the fridge. what? like i have anything better to do?

6:44
Anderson out to talk to Retard. Hopefully he's got some pepper spray on him to take care of business. Nope. He's still in there. fuck me. I think the twins infield got hammered last night, Mitty and Hoover could've turned that DP. Atleast fuckbag is out now, enter Fat Mexican Part I.

6:41
Reyes is warming in the pen. Gardy got the message, but he's got the wrong fat mexican. i'll call sam and tell him to head down there and have a word.

6:36
well, we're heading to the 5th down by 3. Shitbag's pitch count is up there around 75 and if Guerrier was in the Sox bullpen, he'd be their go-to guy if that says anything about how shitty they are. so there's hope. except the fact that we still have guerrier on our team and he's got the game ball in his hand. somebody go kick gardy in the nuts and tell him to put in that fat mexican russel was talking about.

6:31
Twins aren't going down without a fight. Gomez with an RBI triple to left center, Jason Wise can't field good. 6-3 after a Span double that paints the line down left. Good thing Richie wasn't painting the lines, that could've been foul by a yard.

6:24
Well, the good news (if there really is any at this point) is it's early. We've still got 18, check that, 17 outs left this game. The bad news, we're down 5 and Guerrier is in. and he's a fucking bum. And there might as well be nobody in the stands since you could hear a mouse fart at this point. doesn't look good.

6:18
Guerrier is in. Maybe Russel was right to switch to the Office. This can't be good. Hopefully somewhere in northern minnesota our boy Skippy is having his way with some young broad. doesn't make the twins game seem so bad when you think of what that young lady is going through.

6:16
Fuck you Pierzynski! If you wear a fucking hockey elbow pad up to the plate and stick your fucking elbow out on an inside pitch and get hit in said elbow, i say you deserve to get kicked in the dick and you're out. and now the wheels have fallen off. shit just got real.

6:13
Matt fucking Guerrier is warming. Gardy must have a tee time for Monday as well.

6:10
Buscher is a homo. All of a sudden the Twins look like Micks Office on a Sunday at 8am. My pick of 5-1 Sox is looking better, but fuck. haha butt fuck. i need another beer.