A letter to the Editor at the Crookston Daily Times

An ode to the Professional Softball Player, Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m the best F'n softball player you’ve ever met. Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep. I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the s**t out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me (especially not with shorts this tight). This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues, especially the Men’s League in Clearbrook. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free buckets at Crooks after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 10 bottles of Coors on the line. I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got (super bright & super tight). I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black, a few new gold chains, and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games. Softball groupies love guys who can go deep. I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs. I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep? They should have known better than to get into a league with me. This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink your ass under the table. My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players. The League starts Thursday night. I took the day off of work. Why do I take softball so seriously? f**k you. You’re just jealous

Yours truly, Wade the Blade Demarais