Thursday, May 7, 2009

It Could Be Worse...

Well the last two games for the Twins really were depressing. A piss pounding at the hands of the Tigers, then getting beat in a rain "shortened" game last night. That shortened game lasted about 5 hours, although much of it was spent watching poker during the various rain delays. Also, I had this post just about ready to roll out yesterday, then this bitch who teaches next door had to leave school for some reason and you know who got stuck covering her class. So if any of this first part doesn't make sense, get over it. It was relevent yesterday.

Time for a little positivity. Yeah I know, not the route I usually take after a crushing defeat like that one. I was thinking about the Twins' next game against Baltimore, and how the Orioles are already 8 games back of the division leader in the East and have yet to play 30 games. As if that isn't bad enough, when they look up in the standings they're staring straight at the defending AL champions, above them sits the evil empire, one step higher brings them to the Red Sox, and alone on top of the division is the Jays. Good luck with that. Their season is, for all intents and purposes, over. On May 6th. Thanks for stopping by.

That got me to thinking; how bad could it possibly get for the Twins? Hopefully we won't find out this year, as I see them toiling along in the middle of the Central, maybe making a run for the division later in the year, but more likely ending somewhere around .500 and in 3rd or 4th place. Anyways, back to what could have been.

My inspiration for this little project came when watching the game last week and Dave St. Peter was being interviewed about the all-time Metrodome team. If you're not familiar with this, it's on the interweb at and you just pick guys from each position who played for the Twins between 1982 and today. So simple a Skippy could do it. The first thing that tipped me off that this was going to be a bad idea was when they mentioned Ron Coomer on the ballot. I realize Coom-Dog (not sure if thats his real nickname, but thats what Bert calls him when he's drunk) was an all-star one year, but that was due to the rule that each MLB team has to be represented at the all-star game. Needless to say, Coom-Dog didn't make my all-time Metrodome team. Neither did Roy Smalley, Todd Walker, Pat Meares, Mike Pagliarulo, or Matt Lawton. All these names are on the ballot for all-time Metrodome team, really skimming the bottom of the barrel with some of them.

Regardless, I'm not picking a good team. I'm trying to find a group of the absolute worst players ever to walk down the 300 steps into the home dugout at the Metrodome. Each of these guys was, at one point, the absolute best option the Twins had. Remember that when you check out the lineup. I repeat, each of these players was the best option the Twins had in their organization to put on the field for a major league baseball game. My criteria was only that they needed to have at least 100 at bats for the Twins, and only games played at the position in question came into play. Take for instance Al Newman. Newman had a solid run as a Twin; two world series championships, batted .248 as a second baseman. Unfortunately, his numbers while playing shortstop for the Twins weren't very good. He had enough at bats to qualify at short, and wouldn't you know it, he made the starting lineup. I also granted special consideration to my favorite little homosexual midget on this year's team. He wasn't the worst, but I fucking despise him so he made the team. Don't get me wrong, he more than fits in with this bunch of rejects, and would probably be first off the bench even if I didn't give him preferred treatment, but it's really irrelevent at this point.

So, without any further bullshitting, here's my Metrodome All-Embarassment Team...

Now I'd be more than happy to defend/argue any of these selections after a 30 pack of Nattys, but after the stats I'm going to throw on here, there shouldn't be any need. That is, unless you're one of those faggy types and have a crush on Nick Punto, in which case you are dead to me and your arguments mean nothing. Keep in mind all of these stats have been adjusted to reflect a full 162 game season.

2B Nick Punto 2004 - Current
.241BA 6HR 41RBI

Yup, he's worthless. And gay. And if you look at the picture, you can see what looks like the word "sucks" on his jacket. Only fitting. God I hate him.

RF David McCarty 1993 - 1995
.214BA 3HR 35RBI

I vaguely remember this guy playing. He also spent some time at first base where he also sucked. There aren't too many pictures of this prize out there, and not a single one with the Twins. Probably for the better.

LF Rondell White 2006 - 2007
.174BA 17HR 85RBI

Trust me, that's a picture of him. He always looked to me like a floating jersey on TV. He played before HD which probably explains that. I'm not sure how he made it two years with the team, but he did. And it was ugly.

DH Craig Monroe 2008
.202BA 22HR 81RBI

This picture pretty much sums up his time in Minnesota. Could've, should've, would've. Close, but not quite. Seemed like everytime he came to the dome for a series against the Twins, he was good for 4 hits and about 6 RBI. Then he switched dugouts and was lucky to put up those numbers in a month. Fuckin fag.

C Matt LeCroy 2000 - 2005, 2007
.171BA 13HR 44RBI

After spending 5 years with the Twins, he went over to the Nationals in 2006 and picked up a whopping 16 hits, and it was then that the Twins just knew they had to have him back. And don't forget while he was over in Washington piling up those hits, he was also allowing 7 stolen bases in one game. Yeah, it was a record. And he was pulled in the middle of the inning. Total package this guy. What's that saying about letting something go and if it comes back.... oh yeah he's fat and looks like Newquist.

1B Dan Masteller 1995
.237BA 7HR 48RBI

Not really sure who this guy is, but apparently he played a bunch of games with the Twins one year and really racked up the hits. This is the only picture I could find of him, which says a lot in itself. But wait! Look closely at that picture. He's playing for the Buzz! This can only mean one thing, after playing in the majors for one season, he went on to become a movie star! Major League 3 - Back to the Minors! Holy shit balls. I wonder if he knows Scott Bakula in real life. Either way, he's now sweet.

3B Terry Tiffee 2004 - 2006
.226BA 9HR 52 RBI

I remember this guy for sure, and I'm putting my money on him being a full fledged lesbian. Your name is Terry and you look like a chinese woman? hmmmm.... yup, lesbian. And if you are the proud owner of this autographed Terry Tiffee card, you're looking at a cool $0.28, I looked it up. Cha-Ching!

SS Al Newman 1987 - 1991
.208BA 0HR 34RBI

I loved watching him dodge line drives in the 3rd base coaches box. And by dodge, of course I mean taking one step, falling down, and rolling around on the ground. Don't really remember seeing him play much, although he reminds me of a black Denny Hocking type. This picture is from back in his playing days, and holy shit did he let himself go when he hung it up.

CF Chris Latham 1997 - 1999
.152BA 3HR 23RBI

Another guy I don't remember seeing play, but with those numbers, how can I keep him off the team. Batting 9th in the order is always something to behold, but when you bat 9th in this lineup, holy shit. Keep in mind once again these numbers are projected over 162 games. It's no wonder that when I searched for a picture of him all that turned up was a bunch of rugby shots. I have no idea if that's the same Chris Latham that played for the Twins, but either way, he was one bad baseball player.

So there you have it, the worst of the worst the Twins ever had to offer. Don't bother looking up the stats, they're legit. And they're listed below.


  1. Is there a hard cover version of this book?

  2. i was hoping for cliff notes

  3. Do you really think any of the other 5 people who read this blog know what cliff notes are?

  4. Very true Anonymous(3:36). But I'll see that comment and raise you another, do you really think any of the 5 other people who view this blog know how to read?

  5. And I'm not sure what cliff notes are either, I think I remember hearing about them in college at some point, but maybe that was my business law class and it's lawyer talk. You over-educated bastard Russel.

  6. Oh come on Doc. For somebody that suffers from ADHD, you should understand that this was way too long.

  7. As for the unable to read part, I only included pictures so Skippy wouldn't feel left out, all those squiggly lines and random numbers confuse the hell out of him.

  8. And thats the reason it took me three days to put it all together. I've gotta find some way to keep myself occupied when those stupid kids are asking questions in class. It gets old just repeating "i have no idea, go ask a real teacher" so this way I just pretend I'm working on something important and ignore them.

  9. Are you sure your response isn't:

    "No tengo ni idea, vaya pedir un verdadero maestro"

  10. I love when anonymous people come on here and talk shit......whoa anonymous is such a tuff guy, hope he dies along with the rest of his family.

  11. Terry Tiffee is now the Schwann's man in the greater Alexandria area. Or he looks just like him anyway.

  12. I would like to make a motion to remove Nick Punto (The greatest player to put on the number 8 for the Twins) and substitute in the flop from Seattle Bret Boone!

  13. And I'd like to remove idiots from posting comments. Boone was a disaster, but only managed 53 AB's and therefore wasn't eligible.

  14. Is it a coincidence that the Twins have scored 34 runs in the past 3 games that the little homo hasn't started and won all three games? And they won the last one despite the best efforts of the 'pen to fuck it up...I'll let you be the judge.