Merry Christmas, Fuckers

Fun Fact

Team Goalie Opponent GA Game Notes

District 5 Goldberg Hawks 17 First game against the Hawks.

Crookston Reese Fargo 18 Reese is worse than Goldberg.

Just enjoying a day off and watching the first Ducks movie on TV and noticed the final score of the first game Bombay coaches ends 17-0. Nice.

EDIT - The columns line up in the preview, not so much in the post. You get the idea. Reese was more pathetic than Goldberg. And Reese had goalie pads, Goldberg had magazines taped to his legs.

Jimmy "B-Rabbit" Smith Jr. from 8-Mile?

I don't even know how to describe it, you just need to watch it:

Katie Perry Wants Me

If Katie Perry wants to get my attention she is doing a good job. Yeah, she used a nickname I haven't gone by in recent years, but I'll forgive her, her tits are marvelous. Besides, she could call me shit-brick monkey fucker and I would probably cum in my pants just from her looking at me.

Reminds Me of Someone...

So this guy was arrested on Halloween for DUI and got his mugshot taken while still wearing his sweet breathalyzer costume. Apparently he was only a .16 which is pretty weak, but props for the costume. I'm reminded of new year's eve a few years back when somebody got thrown in the drunk tank in Fargo wearing a D.A.M.M. (Drunks Against Mad Mothers) t-shirt. Fucking classy.

Also, I have obtained actual video footage of "the dance" from last weekend's wedding and will be posting it here shortly. Pure gold. Stay tuned.

You're Doing It Wrong

I hate to bump Will's awesome post from the top spot, but it's time. Here we have the audio from quite possibly the best 911 call ever. And no it's not Doc calling the cops on his own party. Although I'm guessing this lady is a not so distant relative of his.

C-Town Bowling Bloggers Team takes last place

Ok, this is just too easy.
Going left to right: Jake Fee, Doc, Skippy (the early years), Buchmaier, Melsh, Sam, Fee standing behind him & it looks like a Reese...they all look the same anyways, so I don't know which one it is.

Thanks Melsh

Knowing nobody in C-Town would be able to watch the Gophers vs Denver game Saturday night due to Melsh's wedding, FSN has decided not to televise the game until Sunday afternoon. Apparently the producers heard that all 14 TVs in the Gopher Hole would be silent Saturday and televising live wasn't going to be cost-effective. Also might have something to do with a Wild game, but that hasn't been confirmed as of yet.

I've never had a good experience with the whole tape delayed aspect, somebody always spills the beans or I'll get impatient and just look online for the score. Regardless, the game will be shown pretty much right after the Vikes game Sunday. Should make for a good time nursing a hangover.

On The Board

Gophers find a way to put points on the scoreboard and a point in the standings to salvage a bit of dignity out of an overall pathetic weekend in GF. Tony Lucia is the most untalented captain I can remember for the Gophs. Nick Leddy looks like Nick Bergan. Aaron Ness looked like Aaron Amiot. Not a very optimistic weekend overall. At least I'm hammered and probably won't remember much of it tomorrow. On a positive note, the Gophs appear to have 2 solid options in goal this year, although I'd be more excited if Russel had another year of eligibility. Speaking of Russel, NHL.com is reporting that his contract was extended today. Way to go buddy. And one last thing, according to my computer it's 88 degrees out right now. And it's almost 8pm. Suck it.

Fuckin Gross

Lucia better come out of the locker room with a limp from kicking so many asses. I haven't seen hockey this pathetic since 1997 when the C-Town JV team was led by Dougie J. Sad.

#8 Gophers vs #4 North Dakota

Usually by the time these teams meet we've all had a few games to figure out who's going to have the upperhand in C-Town's most heated rivalry I can think of. This year, however, this game is going to mark the first time many of us have seen any college hockey for about 6 months. None of that matters though, there isn't a team in all of sports that I hate more than the fucking Sioux. Honestly I'm having a hard time looking at that fucking indian head at the top of this post as I'm typing this, just makes me wanna puke.

I'm aware that in the cities and on campus the Badgers are probably a bigger rival for the Gophs in all sports, but up north it doesn't get any bigger than this one. Unless your name is Skippy, you're either a Sioux fan or a Gopher fan. There's no other options. And we all know Skippy just likes to cheer for the flashing red light after anybody scores a goal, especially Colorado College for some reason. What a fag.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that if Melsh had scheduled his wedding a week earlier, there would've been an intermission so everybody could gather at the bar and watch the game.

Being that the games this weekend are in Grand Forks, I'm assuming that some of you a-holes are going to make the trip across the border and take in the game(s) first hand. I fully expect a barrage of F-Bombs which lead to moms and their children covering their ears and possibly shedding a few tears.

Also, if anybody takes part in a pre-game drink or 10 at Suite 49, it's a well known fact that paying your tab is unnecessary. Simply drink as much as possible, when you're ready to go order another round and when the waiter walks away, follow him up and head for the parking lot. Once there, you'll need to dip and dive behind cars while crossing the parking lot and head for the Ralph. Really quite simple. You're welcome. Also, Indian children are born alcoholics. See example to the right.

That's about all I got for now, should be a fun week leading up to the games this weekend. I'm counting on Russel to get his shit together and put together some sort of series preview with stats and all that shit, and being that it's only Tuesday there's a good chance it's already on tap. Stay tuned.

Nice Work 8

Fitting end to the season. The little engine that could tried just a little too hard. Of all the times the retarded midget slides head first into a base for no apparent reason, why did he have to round it this time? Fucking idiot. And I edited that picture when I was hammered. Still pretty sweet, but a little Skippyish looking. You get the point though. Thanks to Russel for sending me the material. I'll try to do better next time.

Twins vs Yankees Game 3

You know how they always do the Madden simulation before the Super Bowl and end up picking the winner like 90% of the time? Well they do. So I decided it was on me to do the same for game 3 of this series. The most up to date baseball game I own is Baseball Stars for NES, and I'm thinking this will do the job just fine. As you can see below, things turn out alright for the home team. After a slow start, the Twins rattled off 34 runs in the 5th inning before depleting the Yankees bullpen to the point of surrender. The two hits collected by the Yankees were singles that landed in the stands behind the Twins dugout, yet somehow ruled fair by umpire Phil Cuzzi. Also Nick Punto had an error, that dumb motherfucker. Short of the Yankees plane crashing on the way to Minnesota tonight, I can't think of a better result. Stay tuned for the game 4 simulation.

Phil Cuzzi Can Lick My Butthole

You've got one fucking job to do all night. Watch the game and if a ball lands on one side of the white line near you, point towards the field. If it lands outside that same line, hold both your faggy fucking hands up. There is absolutely no fucking excuse for missing that call when the ball lands less than 10 fucking feet from your face. If I ever see you in person I will twist off your head and spike it onto the floor of a nightmare you can't even imagine. Your children are in immediate and unbelievable danger. Fuck you, you fucking piece of monkey shit. Oh yeah, Joe Nathan, you're in the same fucking boat. You fucking fucker. Go fuck yourself.

Twins vs Yankees

We all know New York isn't invincible. Remember them Twin Towers? They went down just like any building in any city. Time to go Al Queda on their asses.

Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

I figured Doc would have written something about the Twins by now, but apparently he is too busy traumatizing the youth of Arizona. I know that's important, but you've got to prioritize. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the Twins/Yankees series. The Twins suck and we all know it. The only reason they are even in the playoffs is because they play in the major league equivalent to Section 4. You think Fergus went to all those state tournaments in hockey because they were good? Fuck no, it was because they had to beat the deaf and the blind to get there.

Any team that features Robbie Ringstad at second and Corky from Life Goes On at third has no shot. If those two gotards are the best options it says a lot. Believe it or not, Morneau's injury has fucked up the outfield more than the infield. With Cuddy moving to first we are left with two of the slowest corner outfielders ever. You might as well have me and Hoover out there holding down the fort. Not only that, with Kubel having to play the field that leaves Brendan Harris to DH. Wait, what? Brendan Harris? Brendan fucking Harris? You've got to be kidding me. You could argue that Jose 'Eddy Munster' Morales might be a better option, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't made contact in 3 weeks. Don't even get me started on the pitching. To sum up, they're horsehit covered in dog vomit.

While I'm on the topic of shitty sports teams, I'd like to throw out a tip to the Wild: It's a lot easier to win games if you don't spot the other team 3 goals.

On another note, 30 years and 9 months ago Tom and Moan got it on. Nine months later, Moan gave birth to a lovely baby moose. Happy birthday, Skipper.

Edit: I was able to track down a picture of how Skipper plans to celebrate his birthday.

Holy Shit Balls

Bobby Keppel gets a win, Carlos Gomez gets a hit and scores the winning run on a hit by Alexi Casilla. Yeah, good one asshole. There is no possible way that any of those three things can possibly happen. Ever. Especially not in the same game. And yet on my tv right now some idiots wearing twins shit are pouring champagne and beer on each other. Probably the best Twins game I've ever seen, if you can think of one better let me know. Also, Orlando Cabrera must smoke crack on the bench. That ADHD motherfucker was bouncing around like crazy when trying to give an interview. Awesome stuff.

Ok, enough with the praise for this team. We might as well stick with what worked the last month, giving up hope and counting them out.

I'll guarantee they're on vacation in a week. I'll call scores of 17-0, 13-2, and 8-5 all favoring the Yankees. It's been fun, but they might as well just stay at the dome and get hammered all night because it really won't matter come tomorrow.

Also, I know those aren't actual shit balls at the top, but the pictures that popped up when I searched for "balls of shit" were pretty disturbing. We'll go with this one.

I like where he's going with this...

Well Color Me Fucked

Not sure what that means either, but your Minnesota Twins are now tied for first place. For the first time this season (not technically, but the first time you would actually say it) the Twins control their own destiny. Win out and they're in the playoffs. Whether that means another Tigers loss tomorrow and an outright division win or a play-in game Tuesday, they're finally in the driver's seat. Two weeks ago I would've bet my right nut that they wouldn't make the postseason, Two days ago I would've done the same. Hell, 8 hours ago, same bet and I'm in. Unreal. Depending on how tonight goes and how hungover I am tomorrow, there may or may not be some live updates on here. Not that anybody gives a rat's ass, but it keeps me busy.

Oh yeah, the Wild lost 2-1 to kick off the Todd Richards era. Didn't watch much of it as I was more into the Tigers-Sox game, but Andrew Brunette got the lone Wild goal. During the time that I did tune in, the Jackets' announcer guy made sure everybody knew that Mason won the Calder trophy last season. He honestly mentioned it at least 5 times that I heard in very limited viewing. Didn't get the Wild feed if you were wondering. Live in the now buddy.

Must Win (Again)

Blackburn vs Greinke. Blackburn on 3 days rest. Not a bad thing for a sinkerballer. And I'm already hammered. Can't remember the last time I saw the Twins wear the throwbacks. Need some baby blue in there.

Quick and tidy first inning for Blackie, it'd be nice to get something, anything against Greinke early. Maybe a liner up the middle off his pitching hand. Let's go with that, just enough to hurt him a little.

God his numbers are good. If he pitched for anybody other than the Royals you can pencil him in for 20 wins. And in the time it took me to type that sentence, there's two outs. Now don't get me wrong, it took me a lot longer to type that than it should've, but fuck. "This is the matchup of the afternoon" says FOX commentator guy as Mauer comes up. Not sure who he is, but Bert is doing the color commentary so we still have the chance of some F-Bombs on the air today. Beer me.

Perfect game gone with a walk to Mauer. They just showed Punto on the bench and I'm pretty sure he just woke up an hour ago and didn't have time to shower/comb his hair before the game. Ok, that was a little gay, but he looks like I do on a Sunday afternoon. Not good. End of 1, 0-0.

Anybody else think Ralph Englestad had something do with with the construction of the Dome?

Nice and quick 2nd for Blackburn, probably hovering around 25 pitches through 2 which is a good sign early.

I have to believe that nobody took me up on my "take Greinke to the Vu" campaign last night, so the Twins are going to have to find a way to hit this fucker. Not to mention he's painting the outside corner at 96 on a consistent basis and dropping off-spead pitches just on the other side of home plate. Blackburn is going to need a gem to give the Twins a chance, I'll say this one will end up 1-0 or 2-1.

Oh yeah, Blackburn looks good with the scruff, but he needs to shave it all off except the stache and really creep out some hitters. Get 'em in their fucking minds.

I wonder how many people went from the Gophers football game straight to the Twins game.

Punto up. Fag. K. Weird.

Honestly, so far this is pretty close to exactly what the Twins wanted with a scoreless game through 3. The only problem is Greinke has only thrown around 40 pitches which is not good by any means.

Blackburn just got two more outs on probably 3 pitches with fat Billy Butler coming up. God I hate him. And he scares me. And he's not really that fat, but really gay. He'd probably like Punto.

12 up, 12 down for Blackie. Twins need to get something going this inning. Cabrera, Mauer, and Kubel coming up. Not quite the same as Hann, Melbye, Hann; but it'll do.

Kubel just struck out on a fastball that was derby worthy. fuck fuck fuck.

Cuddy lookin like a RH Jacques Jones again.

Buttfucker Teahen bunts two homos into scoring position, Blackie gets a HUGE ground ball to get the second out and keep the runners on 2nd and 3rd. Needs one more out here. If they score here, I'll make sure to piss on Teahen's house next time I go over there. If you didn't hear, last time I was over there I peed on his car and stole two of his bats. Classy.

HUGE out there. Bottom 5 and still 0-0. Need to scratch out a run girls.

Delmon leads off with a single, you have got to bunt with Morales here.

Or not. What the shit? Gay. I get it with Tolbert and Punto coming up why you might not bunt, but if that's the case why are either of those fuck bags in the game at all? 0-0 in the 5th, lay that bunt down and pray for a hit out of one of those retards.

Gardy is a homo. Instead of having Morales bunt, he decides to put on a hit and run with Tolbert. Yeah, THAT tolbert. Jesus fucking Christ. Delmon is thrown out by 3 feet and the 5th inning ends still scoreless. And Punto is leading off the 6th. I honestly think Jehovah Jeff could manage a better game than Gardy.

Thinking about that inning more, how in the fuck do you not bunt? A classic pitchers dual going on, a total of 4 hits in the game, you have to play for one run right? Bunt that fucker over and take your chances. Idiot.

Bottom 6, leadoff hitter walks, no different opinion here as Span comes up with dipshit on first. bunt him over, take your chances.

Holy shit. Nice work. Cabrera and Mauer coming up and if one of them gets a hit the Twins have a lead.

Two outs and Mauer up with a runner on 3rd. Earn your MVP fucker.

JOE JOE!

1-0 Twins, bottom 6. All attention turns to Blackburn and shutting down the fucking Royals.

Kubel with a ground rule double, but RH Jacques Jones is up. And he gets hit. Bases loaded with Delmon up. Two nights in a row?

Not quite, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT a double off the baggy! 4-0 Twins. giggity giggity

Enter Mijares, and exit lead. I'm gonna go ahead and call for a conspiracy theory after Mijares was outed for throwing behind Everett Thursday. Last night he came in and gave up 2 runs (neither of them charged to him, but still shitty) and tonight he gives up a big dinger and gives up the lead. Silly fat Mexican.

CUDDYER! Holy shit balls again. 5-4 Twins, Nathan warming (probably) bottom 8. Finish this off and put the pressure on the Tiggers. Which I'll be watching and probably commenting about on here. Also Wild open up tonight. Good times.

And we're heading to the 9th, Twins up a run.

Span makes a beauty of a catch, Nathan ends it. 1/2 game back. Fuck you Tigers.

Why Not

I had a post ready to roll for the Gophers vs Badgers foosball game, but forgot to actually post it. Now that it's over and the Gophs got beat again, fuck it I'm not even going to put it up. I was pretty confident the Gophs would get a win, didn't think Weber would poopie in the bed and essentially lose the game single handedly. The O line was pathetic late in the game as well and it was a pretty disappointing loss, but honestly nobody can be too surprised at the outcome.

The day is still young with the Twins and Wild on tap. Twins face Greinke in once again the biggest game of the year. Wild have the Jackets for their season opener. Even though I've thrown in the towel on the Twins multiple times this year, it's impossible not to get dragged back in to the possibility of playoff baseball in Minny. If the Twins can pull out a win today, you have to think the Tigers will feel the pressure tonight against the Sox and things could get interesting. Knowing Verlander is available to pitch tomorrow if needed, my mind says anything less than a win today coupled with a Tigers loss ends the season for the Twins. I've said this before and won't make the mistake of giving up on the Twins until somebody's magic number reaches 0, but I'm confident they need a big day on both sides to stay alive. I've also been drinking since the Gophers kickoff and have used the delete key probably 300 times during this post to fix random drunken mistakes. None of this matters, as for the first time this season I get to watch the Twins on FOX on a Saturday afternoon and plan a sweet drunken live blog to mark the occasion. I put in a request to have someone take Greinke to the Vu last night and load him up with shots and strippers, but only time will tell if that actually happened. Game time. The fucking Royals. Fuck.

Is That a Young Beav?

It Could Have Been Worse

Nut job Delmon Young almost started a fight with his own teammate yesterday. Makes a lot of sense. Good thing Mijares wasn't wearing a chest protector or Delmon might have chucked his bat at him.



By the way, how has this video not been posted on here before?

Oh Joe

Video quality has a little "Blair Witch" to it, but still good stuff. Twins players denied it and pretty much called the guy who made the video an idiot, regardless it's still funny.

2010 WCHA Final 5

Wade the Blade 4 Hobey

Ladies, it is that time again. I just received the ticket renewals for the 2010 WCHA Final 5. The package price this year is $160. I know there have been some discussions about moving to either a different area or possibly even a suite. I have not got pricing for the suite this year, but I believe last year a 30 person suite would'be been around $267 a piece. I know getting 30 people to commit to this would be one major obstacle as well as getting us poor bastards to come up with another $100 for the tickets. What does everybody think?

Really Joe?? Really?

One pitch, YAHTZEE

FUCK NICK PUNTO!!! GO DIE!!!!!!

Fuck him......nothing else needs to be said.

Let's Play Two

Well this is pretty much the last stand for the Twinkies. Although I've said that a few times already this season and each time they've failed and are still here today, so what do I know. Regardless, this feels like playoff baseball and you can't beat that. I'd be live blogging both games, but I've gotta leave for a couple hours this morning and won't be around for the end of the first game. Had this meeting scheduled prior to the game being called last night so there's really nothing I can do about it. Pretty gay, but I'll be bringing my laptop and hopefully I'll be able to pick up some wireless outside the building and catch the end of game 1.

So far so good I guess. Blackburn pitched around a leadoff double with 3 ground balls which is a good sign for him. Kubel just hit one off of Porcello's 'buttocks' according to Bert leading off the 2nd and now Cuddy is up. And there's a double play. Nice work dummy. We'll see how things go this morning and I might buckle down for some live blogging tonight, no promises.

Ok, so I'm still here and not only has Cuddyer bounced into a DP, but he just had a liner go off his glove that would've been a sure double play and gotten the Twins out of the inning, instead it's 1-0 tigers and they still have two runners on with one out.

Friday Night Live Blog

Waiting for the Twins pregame to start, happily watching The Office on TBS, when wouldn't you know it, the Red Sox / Yankees game is on next. Buck Martinez and whoever the hell else they have calling this game clearly have a boner for Jeter, and I managed about 3 minutes of them drooling over him before having to turn the channel. As for the important games going on tonight, we're looking at Carl Pavano throwing for the Twins against Robinson Tejeda and the Royals, and Jake Peavy is on the hill in Chicago facing Eddie Bonine and the Tiggers. First of all, Robinson Tejada doesn't have a first name. Real gay. Span is talking on the pregame show right now about praying to God about getting back into the box tonight, should be interesting. The Sox are a complete wreck right now, but with Peavy on the mound hopefully will find a way to help out the Twins. Games start in about 20 minutes, I'm gonna fire up the grill and keep pounding beers, hopefully putting on a real shit show in the process.

Twins Lineup

1. Denard Span

2. Orlando Cabrera

3. Joe Mauer

4. Jason Kubel

5. Michael Cuddyer

6. Delmon Young

7. Jose Morales

8. Matt Tolbert

9. Nick Punto

Couple of early observations:

1. The whole batting title batman thing has run it's course. If it gets back within 5 points, go for it. Until then, let's assume Mauer isn't going to go on a 0-20 run and will take his 3rd title. By the way, if he did go on an 0-20 run, he would still be ahead of the Seattle Chinaman by a couple points.

2. The homeplate ump throws like a girl. Fag.

Alright, picked up the Tigers feed after Pavano got out of a little jam in the first. I don't remember ever seeing Peavy pitch before, and the fact that he has injury problems is not a surprise. He might have the ugliest, jerkiest delivery I have ever seen. He makes Liriano look smooth if that is possible. They're heading to the bottom of 2 scoreless. And the Tigers announcer just said that the Sox were officially eliminated from the postseason last night leaving just the Tigers and Twins. Is that right? Hang on.......holy shit I just turned back to the Twins game and they're already done in the 2nd. Good work. Anyways, as far as I can tell, Tigers have 10 games remaining and the Sox have 9. Six of those games are against each other. If the Sox win out and the Tigers lose all their games, they would have the same record (82-80) and the Sox would've won the season series. So if my Minnesota math is correct, (and the Twins weren't in the equation) they would be having a one game playoff in Chicago. I guess you have to forgive the Detroit announcer, he is from Detroit after all.

Can anybody confirm the rumor that Notcho is now a proud papa?

My fucking grill is out of propane. This isn't good.

Glad to see Punto is hitting higher than his weight these days. He's still a piece of monkey shit, but I haven't wanted to murder him as much lately. And right on cue he's on with a walk. Way to go retard. I think he slid into first after the walk. They didn't show a replay, but I'll assume he did.

I texted in a question to Dick N Bert about Duensing and whether or not he will be considered a rookie next season. He won't, since he has more than 50 IP this year, but my intention was to get my name on TV and not gain any knowledge. We'll see how that works out.

Twins on the board 1-0. That girl thrower of an ump behind the plate kicks a wild pitch straight up in the air and Punto scores from second. Good stuff. Looked it up and the ump's name is Laz. Nice. Other game is still 0-0 in the bottom of 3. We'll look in on that one for a bit.

Back from that. Sox have 0 hits through 3. Promising.

Fat Billy Butler just tied the game on a solo shot and a girl fight ensues between two KC fans over the ball. Neither of them were girls. Both of them were overweight 40 year olds. Good stuff.

Cuddy with his 30th of the year to give the Twins the lead and tie Derr for the team lead in HR. Somebody obviously figured out how to mask steroids good enough to pass piss tests.

Update on the Notcho baby front. Apparently there is a little Jude Notcho who's going to be getting minors in a few years. Way to go Notch.

Also, Tiggers and Sox are still scoreless in the bottom of the 5th.

Good stuff. The man with no first name walks in a pair of runs. Twins have 2 hits and 5 runs now. And the Sox just got a two run homer from Dave Gordon Beckham and lead 2-0 in the 7th.

And Fat Billy Butler just hit another dinger to bring it back to 6-4. Gross. Sox are still up 2-0 heading to the 8th. My question didn't make it on the air, they picked some stupid question about well i'm not really sure, when mine wasn't on there i didn't really listen. And the Twins feed went out so now i have to listen to the royals broadcasters. they're talking about season tickets for next season. if you want the number, it's 816-504-4040. i'm sure they have plenty of good seats available.

Good news: Sox have a rally going against some chinese guy from detroit. Bad news: Pierzynski is up.

pop up to 3rd. still runners on the corners with 2 outs. these games are pretty much mirror images of each other. the sox have 2 runs on 2 hits, detroit has 0 runs on 6 hits. twins have a couple hits and 6 runs, royals have about 10 hits and 4 runs. crazy shit.

i've had about enough of this blogging stuff, it's starting to cut into my drinking.

Ok, i was seriously done, but Dick just said that the Sox were eliminated last night too. Normally in this situation i would assume that i was wrong and both play by play guys were correct, but it just doesn't add up to me. let's put some numbers down here and see what happens. these are up to the minute with tonight's tigers loss included. I'm not including the Twins game tonight because they still have 6 outs to get and Armando Gabino is warming up. Anything is possible.

Detroit 82-71 153 games played, 9 games remaining

Twins 79-73 152 games played, 10 games remaining

Chicago 74-80 154 games played, 8 games remaining

Let's say Detroit goes 0-9 and finishes at 82-80. I guess they have 4 games left vs the Twins, so we'll give those to the Twins and assume Twins lose the rest of their games. That would leave the Twins with a 83-79 record. Chicago wins the last 8 games they have, they finish at 82-80 and the Twins beat them. Please ignore all previous reasoning as to why the Sox aren't eliminated yet, they are.

Happy Birthday C-Town Blog

I'm not sure if C-Town itself is having a birthday celebration today, but I certainly plan to. This abortion of a blog started up one year ago today, and to commemorate that event, I'm going to plan a big bash tonight involving a dual live blog during the Twins and the Tigers games. Both games start at roughly 7:00 C-Town time, so this would be a whole hell of a lot easier if I had a dual TV system set up, but I'll figure something out. Anything is possible when you put 30 Natty Lights to your mind. Or something like that. Also if things go according to plan, when the Gopher game starts tomorrow morning at 9am AZ time, I should still be about a .1 and will continue the shit show with a live blog of that as well. You all know me well enough to know that I could get home tonight and drink myself into a haze before either of the games start and not post anything else for a week, but as of now that's the plan. So have a cold one or 30 for C-Town and however fucked up it sounds, root for the White Sox.

Gophers vs Northwestern

When these two teams met last season, the Gophers were ranked #20 in the nation with a 7-1 record. No doubt about it that ranking was well deserved after beating such national powerhouses as Northern Illinois, Bowling Green, Montana State, and Florida Atlantic. None of that seemed to matter, however, as the Wildcats came into the Dome and knocked the Gophs back to reality by beating them 24-17. The Gophs haven't seen a little number in front of their name since that game, and probably need to reel off a couple wins in a row in the Big Ten before they will again. I wouldn't put any money on that happening, but at the same time won't be at all surprised if they head into the Penn State game on the 17th with a 5-1 record. Regardless of all that, it's another 9am start out here in AZ and the Twins are somehow back in a pennant race which means my liver is gonna have to get it's shit together and be ready for an all out assault starting tomorrow afternoon and lasting approximately 30 hours. Fuck.

Oh yeah and here's the best picture I could find of a dead wildcat. You would think it'd be harder finding a "dead orange" than a dead wildcat, but that just wasn't the case.

One other thing, completely unrelated, but funny. In the class I'm 'teaching' today (using that term extremely loosely, like Moan J. loose) there is two kids whose names are Virtuous and Prisciliano. Weird names for sure, and the kicker is that neither of them is a girl. Thanks mom and dad, that's a normal name for a boy.

One from the Archives

Great Commercial

A-Rod Jr.

Well, it looks like the end is near for arguably the most famous C-Town alumnus. A-Rod Jr. Has been denied on all his appeals and at some point will serve out his death sentence. I have no idea if this means later this year or 10 years down the road that he'll finally feel that sweet sweet poison flowing through his veins, but either way, it's coming. Here's hoping Spike TV can somehow swing a deal and televise this event, or at the very least we can all pitch in and buy the pay-per-view.

A-Rod Jr. was a convicted level 3 (just one level below our own Skippy) who pretty much spent his entire life behind bars. I'm fairly confident growing up in C-Town with no skate park at the time was the reason behind all this trouble. Imagine if this guy could've rode his stolen Huffy down to Central Park and ripped it up for awhile with his other Mexican buddies, we might not even know who he is. Way to drop the ball Park n Rec of the 1960's.

One other thing; if you look closely at the date on the mugshot at the top of this post, you might notice it is exactly one day before another famous C-Towner was brought into this world. God must've noticed the world was much too peaceful that day and unleashed a different form of hell.

The story of Jeter by The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/derek_jeter_honored_for_having

Gophers vs #8 California

Well, the good thing about this game is the Gophs will still have a winning record heading into the Big Ten schedule next week. I fully expect that record to be 2-1, but what are ya gonna do? This one could get ugly, and I wouldn't be surprised if Cal puts up over 50 for the 3rd week in a row. About the only thing the Gophers have going for them is this is essentially a 9am game for the Golden Bears. Although if I can roll my dead ass out of bed and have an open Natty in my hand by 9am, I'm sure they can wake up and put a hurting on the Gophs that early in the morning.

One other thing, I read somewhere (Star Tribune?) that the new stadium didn't have cash registers at their concession stands for the opener. They apparently used calculators and cash boxes which resulted in unreal lines. I'm assuming they just didn't arrive in time and will be there this weekend, but could you imagine if Skippy rolled through there hungry and put a hurt on that place? It would take a scientist to decipher his bill by hand. Even the Cardin-Hunt arena in beautiful RLF has cash registers, what the fuck? If any of you queers went last weekend or are planning to go Saturday, fill us in please.

UPDATE: Gophers lose by 14, much tighter than I thought it would be, and much tighter than anybody thought it would be after the first 5 minutes of the game. I mentioned to Russel during the game that Callado is the Gophers' Nick Punto, just doesn't seem to belong out there. When you can't tackle and you can't cover anybody, you're basically Skid only shorter. Other than that idiot, they actually looked respectable, especially after getting down by 14 almost instantly. Decker would be a favorite for the Biletnikoff award if Weber wasn't constantly trying to get him murdered on the field . That TD catch today was unreal, and I'm still not sure how he managed to hang on to the ball after the hit. If he stays healthy, which seems almost impossible with the balls he's having to catch, he'll definately be a finalist. Also, Michael Floyd (Notre Dame) was probably the biggest competition for Decker and apparently he broke his collarbone today. Still not saying Decker will win it, but he'll be right up there at the end. And Floyd is a Minnesota boy, so he could still play next week.

Vikings vs Lions

Well this one will undoubtably be one of the hardest games to watch for Vikings fans this season. And I'm not even talking about the game itself, instead I'm referring to the broadcasting team FOX is sending to cover this disaster of a game. Ron Pitts and John Lynch are set to do the play-by-play and color commentary, and let me be the first to tell you to get ready for awkward silence and ridiculously obvious analysis. While flipping through the afternoon games last week, I happened to check out the Seattle game for awhile, and I honestly felt embarrased for these two nut jobs. I'm going to assume it was Lynch's first game broadcasting due to the uncomfortable welcoming handshake between the two at the start of the game, but holy shit did it just go downhill from there. At one point I was actually thinking how the lady who did the Gophers game a couple weeks ago was easier to listen to, and she was a female for Christ's sake. That's pretty much all I'm gonna say about them at this time, you'll fully understand within 5 minutes of kickoff Sunday.

As for the game itself, we should all be anticipating watching T-Jack hand the ball off to Chester the entire second half, but with Chilly at the helm anything is possible. It is, however, still the Lions and they're still rolling along with an 18 game losing streak. The Vikes are a 10 point favorite, which they should cover without a problem, and this one is about as close to a guaranteed win as you'll see for them this season.

Also, I am fully aware that I swore off the Twins for the season, and I still don't think they can sneak into the playoffs regardless of how bad the Tigers are trying to help. However......after a win today, the Twinkies sit 4 games back with a home series against Detroit looming this weekend. The Tigers are playing tonight and tomorrow against KC, which means Friday's matchup will have their division lead at either 3, 4, or 5 games. A Twins sweep would leave them at the worst 2 games back with 13 games to play. Unfortunately 10 of those last 13 would be on the road, where the Twins are 31-40 on the year. If they do somehow get into the playoffs, I'll be the first one to take a day off of work to watch a day game, but I'm certainly not holding my breath. Neither should you, unless your name is Skippy, in which case go for it.

Edit: Tigers won last night, but are losing 5-0 this afternoon to Greinke and the Royals. The Royals are pretty much the Lions of MLB, so you never know, but it definately looks like a Twins sweep will get them within one game of the Tigers after this weekend.

Gophers vs Air Force

First game in a new stadium, first time playing Air Force, should be a game of firsts, which I'm betting will lead to one dynamic drop-in after another from the broadcast team. The game this week is on the Big Ten Network, which should alleviate the female play by play, but we'll see. Anyways, we all already know that the first time somebody scores a touchdown Saturday it'll be the first in the new stadium, please don't feel the need to constantly remind us of this all day. Thanks.

Don't know much about Air Force other than they put up a shitload of points against some team called Travis Nicholas State that plays in a conference with Stephen F. Austin, whoever the hell that is. Regardless I'm sure they're real good and everything. So I was checking over these Air Forcers stats from last week and holy shit balls, they had 14 different people carry the ball for a total of 68 carries and 474 yards. Apparently they like to run the ball. I'm assuming this is even more skewed due to the fact that they were piss throttling Jarv, but their QB only attempted seven passes the whole day. Weber should have that many attempts to Decker on the first drive. Either that or he'll go the first half with zero catches, neither which would surprise me. Oh and one of their receiver's last name is Demerath, which is close enough in my book to hate him and wish harm to his achilles tendon.

All in all, the Gophers are 3 1/2 point favorites, put it in the bank. No way they lose to Wade the Blade and his gay buddies. Semper Fi bitches. Also just noticed that this post is rolling out at 9:09 on 9/9/09. I'm sure all these 9's mean something magical and lucky to Hindus or some other goofy bastards, so I got that going for me. Giggity giggity.

Gophers vs Syracuse

First comment of the day - Women should not be allowed in broadcast booths unless they are delivering coffee or blowjobs. I'd rather listen to the most retarded guy in the world (think John Madden) do play by play than any woman on earth. Hell, give me a monkey (or Madden).

Wow that's the kind of shit you're used to seeing the Gophers do. First snap of the game goes about 6 feet over the QB's head and it's Gophers ball on the Syracuse 15 yard line. And 19 seconds into the season the Gophs are on the board 7-0. This team is unstoppable. Where's the National Championship game this year? Who's wants to go in on a hotel room? I'm looking for tickets right now, you guys want uppper or lower deck?

Ensuing kickoff returned to the Gophers 15. God do they fucking suck. Is it hockey season yet?

Gophs up 14-10 in the 2nd quarter. Brewster just did his best Chili impersonation by challenging the spot on a 4th and 1 QB sneak. Yeah those are really easy to determine the ball should have been 6 inches further. Nice call. Not really impressed with Weber so far, and if I was Decker I'd be a little worried after being led right into a big hit twice in the first quarter.

Also I'm gonna call Sherrells will score atleast 3 times this season on punt returns.

All in all a pretty boring 2nd half. Gophers with one nice drive to tie the game with a FG and get a big interception in their own endzone in OT to seal it. Weber completed his only pass in OT and whoever is kicking now made his 3rd FG of the game for the win. Awesome. Dominating win over Syracuse. Pretty sure the announcers mentioned 3 times that they have won something like 10 games total in the last 4 years. Big win. Go team.

After watching Ohio State struggle against Navy and Iowa need a blocked FG to beat Northern Iowa, it looks like another special year for the Big Ten. Special like Robby Ringstad special.

Next....

I guess we all pretty much knew this was coming, but for those of us who were still hanging by a thread that the Twins could somehow sneak into the postseason, the last two games pretty much put an end to that thinking. After the 9th inning blowup Wednesday and losing to the fucking Indians tonight, I'm officially throwing in the towel. Gopher football starts tomorrow which means I've got a lot of Saturday mornings filled with drinking and I can't afford to be wasting whats left of my liver drinking during Twins games. Fuck 'em. All Twins related content will be removed from this website shortly, and will remain that way until next March. This being my final post relating to the Twins for awhile, it seems like a good time to mention that I'm taking up a collection to hire a mercenary to take out Gardenhire. I'm confident that this one move will result in a domino effect of positive events related to the organization (i.e. removal of the word Punto from Twins fans' vocabulary). Oh, and somebody needs to poison Billy Smith. That should just about do it.

I may very well do some live blogging during the Gophers game tomorrow morning, it'll be my first time drinking before 9am in quite some time so it could be interesting. Either way, time to turn the page and root for the next bunch of losers in line.

Random Thoughts

• Now that Jose Morales is back up with the Twins, there is no reason for Mike Redmond to ever see the field again. I'm pretty sure Morales is Eddie Munster's long lost twin, so he has that going for him, too.

• Brett Favre doesn't look right in purple, but I guess that's something we'll have to live with.


• Why can't Adrian Peterson block anyone? Seriously, just get in their way.


• Nickelback still fucking sucks.


• With or without that flaming Spaniard, the Timberwolves are irrelevant.


• I want to see Alexi Casilla and Skipper face off to see who can spit farther between their teeth.
  
• Gopher football starts this weekend. Time to get our hopes up during the non-conference schedule only to have them come crashing back to reality when the Big 10 hits.


• The Little League World Series is awesome, but it would have better if all the coaches wore flip-up shades and repeatedly yelled "rock and fire!".
  
• College hockey starts in about a month. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited about laying on the couch and watching nothing but sports from Friday evening until Sunday night.
  
• And finally, apparently this is what happens when you marry a 40 year old dude, move to Florida, don't work, and have nothing else to do besides life weights and work out.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

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Vegas Baby!

All right Fuckers, here's the gig: July 10-13, 2010 Vegas for Doc's Bachelor Party.

Details are pretty loose, but I'm guessing a little gambling, a little limo ride some big 'ol boobies--and some that do not belong to Skippy too.

So, if you are interested in going and if you are up north, the Allegiant connection is pretty cheap, and would like to go, let me know. We'll figure out a hotel and go from there. Just email me @ willmelbye@hotmail.com and let me know as soon as you for sure want to be there.

Tichenor Strikes Again

Remember back in May when Redmond, Gardenhire, Varitek, and Francona were all kicked out of the same game? That dumbass of an ump was back in action tonight and made sure everybody knew he was in charge once again. Cabrera slammed his bat down after being called out by the first base umpire on a check swing (Tichenor was the home ump) and was immediately given the boot. Not even arguing a call Tichenor made, not arguing balls and strikes, not really arguing at all; just slamming his bat down into the ground. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this queer spent most of his days in high school with his underwear wedged up his butt and his head in a toilet. He makes Butch look level headed, I think he even told Cabrera "out of sight, out of sound."

Gardy Brings in Defensive Substitution During Pregame

There's just no other way to explain why the fuck Punto is starting at 3rd tonight. The last time this idiot started a game he went 0-3 in a Twins loss. He hasn't started since, and the Twins haven't lost since. I'm sure any manager in this position would put him in there. Atleast any manager who hasn't gotten a knobber from #8 in 5 days would. Fuck you Gardy. As I'm writing this the Twins are down 2-0 in the bottom of the first. While you might say it's Blackburn sucking that led to this deficit, I believe it's the fact that nobody thinks they can win when that tard is in the lineup. Any confidence built up over the last 5 days went down the toilet along with Gardy's mouthful of Nicky's man mayo. Unless he swallows, which is a whole different discussion. Fag.

Does your kid have a drinking problem?

Apparently Matt Frattin does:

GRAND FORKS, N.D. – Forward Matt Frattin has been kicked off the University of North Dakota men’s hockey team following an arrest for driving under the influence early Wednesday morning.
It is the second run-in this summer for Frattin, who pleaded guilty to a disorderly conduct charge earlier this month.
Frattin, who would have been a junior, was fined, suspended two games, had scholarship money reduced and was ordered to counseling for the first incident.
On early Wednesday morning, he was stopped by a campus police officer on North Columbia Road for speeding, UND police captain Don Rasmuson said. The officer smelled alcohol and a subsequent test put Frattin’s blood-alcohol level at .12 percent, Rasmuson said. The legal limit is .08 percent.
“We’re reacting on two different levels,” UND coach Dave Hakstol said. “We’re doing what we feel is best and right for our program, that’s one level. We’re also trying to act with good care and concern for Matt and what he needs to do from here on in.
“We’d like to put him in position to be able to live a healthy lifestyle and resume his hockey career.”
Frattin, an Edmonton native and draft pick of the Toronto Maple Leafs, was the third-leading goal scorer on the team last season. His 25 points ranked seventh.
Hakstol said it’s too early in the process to determine what’s in Frattin’s future, but he said there’s a possibility that Frattin could return to the Sioux in 2010-11 if circumstances are right.
“I hope that’s the case,” Hakstol said.

You’re the best!

Piece of Monkey Shit

How much money would you pay to kick this mother fucker square in the dick?

He also refused to save a drowning child once. Here's the story.

EAST HAMPTON, NY--Scott Boras has long been known as a tough negotiator. That reputation was bolstered yesterday when the super agent demanded $35 million to rescue a small child drowning in the ocean near Boras’s home in East Hampton, New York.

The child, an eight-year-old named Danny Corgin, was swimming at a private beach when he was caught in the undertow and dragged away. As he flailed and cried for help, Boras relaxed on the deck of his luxury yacht. The boy’s grandmother pleaded with Boras to help, but the agent steadfastly refused, holding steady to his demand for $35 million dollars.

“My grandson was swimming around when all of a sudden he was caught in a riptide and dragged out to sea,” said Ethel Corgin, the boy’s grandmother. “I didn’t know what to do. There was nobody else around and I certainly couldn’t help him. I saw that man relaxing on his yacht, reading a book like there was nothing going on. When I asked for his help, he just said ‘You want me to save a drowning child? Hmmm…that kind of thing will run you around 35 million.’ I tried to negotiate with him, but he was unwavering. I’ve never seen anyone so stubborn, greedy, and heartless in my life. What is he, a sports agent?”

Corgin said that she was struck by Boras’s casual demeanor, even as her grandson struggled to stay afloat in the vicious riptide.

“He was panicking, the poor thing. He thought he was going to drown, I’m sure,” she said. “There was nothing I could do but pray. I thought for sure that [Boras] would help but he really wanted that money. He said I could give him 10 million up front and sign a written guarantee to deliver the rest within a week. He had the contracts already made up. He just whited out ‘third baseman’ and added ‘drowning child.’”

In the end, a deal was not struck. Fortunately, a fishing boat came by and plucked young Danny out of the water before he could drown. Corgin was relieved, but still outraged over Boras’s refusal to rescue her grandson.

For his part, Boras explained that he was just exercising good business sense and prudent negotiating.

“How much is an eight-year old boy’s life worth?” asked Boras. “Can you really ever say ‘No- that’s too expensive. I’d rather just let the boy drown?’ No, of course not. I was shocked when Mrs. Keelan refused my offer to save the boy. If you’re not willing to shell out a few bucks to save the life of a child, you’ve got to take a long look in the mirror. Nothing’s free in this world. If you want something, you have to pay for it. It’s called ‘capitalism.’ Obviously Mrs. Corgin is some kind of godless commie freak.”

While young Danny was drowning, Boras described his mood as “horrified” and denied Corgin ’s allegations that he was casually reading his book.

“I think she is in denial or something,” said Boras. “It’s crazy to say that I was just causally looking on. I kept thinking how much I would love to save the boy and what a great situation it would be if I could just swing over there in my boat and grab him, but Mrs. Corgin and I just couldn’t see eye to eye on compensation. I even acquiesced a little and told her to just give me 10 million up front, since the boy was dying and all. But she still refused. Talk about stubborn. She ought to be arrested for child neglect.”

Several baseball owners and general managers have had similar experiences with Boras. After learning about the East Hampton incident, a few came forward in support of Mrs. Corgin.

Arizona Diamondbacks GM Joe Gargiola, who haggled with Boras this year over the team’s number one draft pick, called the agent “a piece of shit.”

“That guy is a horrible asshole,” he said. “He wouldn’t save his own damn child for free. If I were that woman, Mrs. Corgin, I’d sue him for everything he has. How can you sit in your yacht and casually read a book while a young child is flailing in the water before you? He’s even worse than those pricks, the Poston brothers. Sure, they’ve had a few people killed, but not children. That’s fucking sick.”

While Boras’s actions have been deemed despicable by some, major league baseball players are flocking to him in record numbers. His aggressive, tough-nosed tactics have made his clients some of the most highly paid in the game.

“He refused to save a drowning child because his grandmother wouldn’t pay him 35 million?” asked Red Sox pitcher Derek Lowe, who is scheduled to be a free agent at the end of the year. “That’s sick. It’s cruel. It’s inhuman. He has absolutely no sense of decency or restraint. Anyone have his number?”

Tape Delayed Live Drinking Blog

So I came up with this idea about 4 hours and 10 beers late, but none the less, here we go.

Swimming with the kids(hold the comments fuckers) and 1 & 2 are down and oh what is this? Susan is drinking too, could be an interesting evening folks.

Went to the fair, yes the fair, really fought myself not going up to get tickets for the beer gardens.

3, 4 & 5 went rather quickly...after hitting #4 figured I'd check with Doc and see where he was...slacker was just getting started, but with a reason: Kendra was MIA and wasn't there to fetch him a fresh one...I give that shit another 6 months tops and he'll be camped out upstairs with a mini fridge full of Natty Light, an original nintendo and his cell phone waiting for her to tell him its time for bed.

So the show "The Soup" is one of the funniest fuckin little shows around, making fun of well, pretty much everyone that ends up on TV. It's about as classy as this blog.

So we really enjoy Guy from Diners Drive ins and Dives and there was a chefography of him on tonight and Susan wanted to watch it...6, 7 & 8 were a blurr...

Has any one else sat up and watched Big Brother After Dark? Eerily addictive being infatuated with other peoples' lives....so sad when you don't have to work in the morning and can sit up for three hours after midnight to watch people do their hair and smoke.

So Susan decides that she's hungry at 9pm so we order some Chinese...seriously first time I've had Chinese delivered, that's fuckin awesome. After about 40 minutes, Susan has me call as they have not shown up yet...well apparently they have caller ID at Tops No. 1 and I don't understand what the lady said answering the phone, so I asked her to repeat and she said, "He's on his way, ok?" I shit you not and in the worst China Moon accent ever.

9 & 10 went quite smoothly with General Tso. Swear to God, steamed dumplings are one of the best kept secrets of the Chinese world, awesome goodness.

11 & 12 went quite nicely with The Soup and a slightly raunchy PG-13 version of a talk show, Chelsea Lately. Not sure if this is Melsh's Chelsea, but ya know, it's funny shit.

So it erased part of my shit so fuck you.

Some fat, I mean huge like Billy Tyrell looks skinny, comic just ended his set on Showtime with, "Once they go Greek, they don't sit for a week,"...seriously, Billy Bob had a better line in Bad Santa, "You ain't gonna shit right for a week,". That's fuckin hilarious. Speaking of Bad Santa, there is a kid on our team that looks like a teenage Thurman Murman. Shit you not. At least every other day, one of the biggest black dudes I know says, "Jessuz kid, what is it with you and sandwiches?"

Yeah, so talk about me being the out of place football coach. The two new guys were high school studs, one went on to be a multi-record setting quarterback in college and the other was on the St. Louis Rams practice squad last year and will seriously, fuck anything with a split tail. I got recruited to UMC and then asked to walk on at Mayville, yeah I fit in so well. Does anyone else realize that its been 12-13 years since high school? Wow, I'm fuckin old.

Of course its after midnight now and we are watching Big Brother After Dark. We have no fuckin life.

Is Gardy Dead?

Holy Santa Claus Shit. Casilla with another start this afternoon despite having a multi-hit game yesterday. Thanks once again to the fine folks at FOX and their lack of knowledge of what constitutes a "nationally televised" game, I won't be watching today. Guess I'll just watch golf all day and get drunk. All in all, not a bad little Saturday I guess.

Casilla's Costly Mistake

Silly Casilla went 2-4 tonight with an RBI and two runs scored. This pretty much guarantees he'll find some pine tomorrow night. And there's no way dickface benches his boyfriend two days in a row.

Also, caught the tail end of Whale Wars tonight. Fucking awesome. Here's a picture of the 2nd mate. Yeah, this Chris Doak looking mother fucker is second in command. Needless to say they haven't stopped shit in 5 years. If you aren't a fan like myself, the basic premise of the show is these douchebags are out at sea trying to stop the Japs from harvesting whales. The Japs apparently aren't breaking any laws, which is why no real authority figures are after them, and yet these clowns won't give up. At one point their so-called captain said, "if we have to sacrifice our lives for these whales, so be it." That probably shouldn't have quotes around it since I'm going off of memory from about a month ago, but it was something absurd like that. These are basically the rejects of PETA and greenpeace and whatever animal rights groups are out there (which are all fucking ratarded as far as I'm concerned), but these are the cream of the crop. So tonight the Japs catch a fat one right in front of these dumbasses and haul his bloody carcass onto the boat right in front of them. These guys are crying and vowing revenge and all sorts of shit that just made me giggle. Of course at this point I'm about a 6 pack deep, but regardless you can't script shit this stupid. Highlights from next week shows them ramming the Japs and springing a leak in their own boat. I'm pretty sure I would've read something about it if they all died at sea, but that won't stop me from hoping that's the outcome next week. Keep your fingers crossed, and make sure to check it out next Friday night on the animal planet channel. Yeah I know, Friday night and Crooks will be bumpin, but this is on at like 8 o'clock and the really classy broads don't show up till after 11, so you'll be fine.

Broken Record

Harris goes 3-5 with a HR two days ago, hasn't started since. Punto follows up his latest 0fer game with another start. Tops it off by failing to get down a sacrifice bunt. Again. This time with two runners on and nobody out while trailing by one in a pretty much must-win game. Second attempt in a row that he failed to get down in a clutch spot. Fucking pathetic. Not to mention his batting average matches Skippy's 2nd grade wrestling weight. And yet take a look at just about any Twins game this year and you'll find his name in the lineup somewhere.

For those of you who got a chance to watch the game today, did ya notice who was catching a bullpen session for about a half hour? Gomez. Yep. Would it make too much sense to put some dick face coach out there? It doesn't take talent to catch a bullpen session. Although one of the last people I'd want to have out there squatting and taking pitches would be the fastest guy on the roster. Go team.

Well if no one else wants to take a stab...

Ok, so I only made it to about the middle of the third or so when it was 7-1 Royals and had to pack it in. I now understand what it feels like to be a Nats fan, this shit is fuckin terrible. It seems so long long ago when we described this staff as being as good as the Braves' staffs of the 90's. Fuck me. These fucks have gone 2-8 in the last ten and lost three games in the standings and a ton of fuckin respect. I know that I'm reaching drunkin Doc and Snarley in Fucks on here but fuck you. Trust me, I really had a direction when I started this thing, but a trip to the pisser, a new beer and SportsCenter restarting has redirected me. The pitcher from the Tigers looked like a pussy when Youk charged him. So in those past 10 games, the Twins have gotten 2 fuckin quality starts and one was Carl Fuckin Pavano.

So when did Tony Dungy fall from being a Super Bowl winning coach to being part of Mike Vick's "inner circle"? Wow talk about a fall from grace in the media...if that guy falls that far by tieing himself to Vick imagine what is going to happen to the team...unless its the Vikes. God Fuckin help us.

Anyone else looking forward to the Hangover coming out on DVD/Blue-Ray or HBO?

Happy Anniversary Weens...7 years ago you had your heart attack a couple weeks after the PGA Championship at Hazeltine. Good times.


There is nothing like drinking by yourself at 2:21 a.m. Wow am I cool.

Guess Who?

I bet you'll never guess who's playing 3rd for the Twins tonight. I'll give you a hint, he's 0 for his last 11, made an error in the game already tonight, and likes to give blowjobs. Give up?

You got it. Our favorite tard. Gardy, being the mastermind that he is, just had to find a way to get Casilla and Punto in the lineup tonight so he moved Punto to 3rd with Crede being out once again with a sore ear or something. Splendid.

Carl Fucking Pavano

Congratulations Billy Boy, you just shored up the pitching staff with this blockbuster. Carl Pavano. The answer to all our prayers. He brings his stellar 9-8 record and blistering 5.37ERA with him from Cleveland. Probably flew out with them yesterday and thus saved the Twins from having to foot the bill for a flight from Cleveland to Detroit today. And with the Twins sending down Dickey and his 4.62ERA, the staff got statistically worse today. I'm assuming this sequence is going to result in Liriano moving to the bullpen, but I really can't figure out why Dickey would be the odd man out. Don't get me wrong, I cringe every time dick face brings him into the game, but nothing near the pain of seeing #28 on the hill with his huge faggy necklace. Look at this lineup of bums still on the roster after the latest season-saving transaction:

Keppel 5.18

Duensing 5.19 (3.60 as starter)

Liriano 5.63

Perkins 5.95

Crain 7.20

EDIT - Perkins relegated to the bullpen according to Robbie Inscmikosweskie. Waiting to see what the deal is with Liriano and his issues.

Harris Injury Update

While it appeared Brendan Harris was headed for the D.L. with an unknown injury, it turns out he just doesn't suck enough cock to make the starting lineup. He pinch hit this afternoon, so there is simply no other way to explain the fact that he hasn't gotten a single start since the Cabrera deal. Now granted since the trade pretty much whoever is plugged in at 2nd has been tearing it up. This is evident by the combined 2-17 (.118 AVG) for Punto and Casilla over that stretch. The two tards have also combined to go hitless in the last 4 games (0-13) and have led the team to a 1-4 record in August. Harris is batting .263 on the year, just shades above Punto (.207) and Casilla (.163). Wait, what? He's hitting over 50 points higher than one and one hundred points better than the other? And he's on the bench seemingly full time now? Go fuck yourself Ronny.

On a positive note, Liriano left the team for "family matters" and might get skipped his next time through the rotation. Although i guess all that really means is a quicker turnaround time for the likes of Glen Perkins. Gross.

Twins Bullpen = Stinky Fucking Garbage

As I'm starting this post, Guerrier just plunked some Indian in the leg and there's no better way to lead into this latest bitch fest directed towards the Twins worthless fucking bullpen. As can be expected I got pretty bored watching Paul Watson march one worthless pitcher after another out to the mound tonight. So I decided to take a look at just how bad the bullpen has been since the all-star break. Keep in mind, this was two weeks before the trading deadline. And ole' Billy Boy Smith can preach on and on about how thin the relief pitching market was this season, but when you're not willing to pony up any money, the market for anybody is pretty slim. So a big fuck you to Smith. Pile of donkey shit. Anyways, here's the numbers for the bullpen in Twins losses since the break. You can say the stats are skewed since these are only losses, but I really don't give a shit and I'll twist any number so it backs up my bitching so fuck off.

July 19th vs Texas L 3-5

Keppel with a blown save, bullpen combines for 5.1 innings and 2 earned runs. 3.53ERA

July 20th vs Oakland L 13-14

Mijares took the loss, Keppel tosses 0.0 innings and gave up 3 earned runs. Bullpen overall with 3 innings and 7 earned runs. 21.00 ERA

July 22nd vs Oakland L 1-16

Mulvey with 1 inning and 4 earned runs, bullpen combined 7 innings and 8 earned runs 10.29ERA

July 23rd vs Oakland L 5-6

Nathan blown save, bullpen 4.2 innings and 4 earned runs 8.57ERA

July 24th vs Los Angeles L 3-6

Really the only quality outing for the bullpen in losses since the break, 2.2 innings, NO EARNED RUNS. holy batman shit. 0.00ERA

July 25th vs Los Angeles L 5-11

Dickey 0.1 innings with 3 earned runs. Bullpen 4.1 innings and 5 earned runs. 10.98ERA

July 31st vs Los Angeles L 5-11

Guerrier blown save, Keppel was the loser with 0.0 innings and 3 earned runs. Not to be outdone, Crain with 0.0 innings and 3 earned runs. 15.37ERA

August 1st vs Los Angeles L 6-11

Getting redundant, bullpen combines for 6 innings and 5 earned runs. 7.50ERA

August 2nd vs Los Angeles L 4-13

Bullpen combines for 5 innings and 4 earned runs. 7.20ERA

August 5th vs Cleveland L 1-8

This time Dickey takes the all too common 0.0 innings and 3 earned runs assignment. overall 3 innings pitched and 4 earned runs. 12.00ERA

That's 45.1 innings pitched with 37 runs allowed. 7.38ERA over that stretch. Jesus H. Christ that is pathetic. I'm not about to say that the starters have been solid by any means, but when you go out there knowing once you get behind you're pretty much fucked it's gotta be tough. With that said, any starting left hander who currently wears a Twins uniform (that means you Perkins and Liriano) please take Punto and go have a suicide party. I've heard they're loads of fun. And with Punto, you're almost guaranteed some butt fucking.

On a positive note, Cabrera is hitting like .450 since his arrival, and Souhan just said on the post game show that "he's not a good #2 hitter because he doesn't take a lot of walks." Not even kidding. Basically the definition of ratard. Either Dick or Bert said last week that before the trade, other than when Mauer was hitting second, the Twins combined for something like a .188 average in that spot. And you're complaining that he doesn't walk much? Fuck you dildo.

I'm pretty much cashing in at this point, I'll keep watching because it gives me something to bitch about and makes me feel like I belong down here in bed shitter country, but it's pretty much time to look forward to next season. However, if the White Sox and Tigers planes collide in mid-air, look out.

Skippy...put your clothes back on

Apparently skipper had too many drugs last weekend and didn't want to put the Wizard suit back on.

http://laist.com/2009/04/23/video_of_the_day_naked_man_at_coach.php

Tiger Farts

http://www.92kqrs.com/Article.asp?id=1439775&spid=6546

Take a look as Tiger drops some ass at this past weekends tourney. It is even better when you hear the clip of the announcers talking about him waiting to shoot and he drops ass and giggles.

Twins Trade for LHP Ron Mahay

Ok, actually they didn't, but they might. He makes $4 million a year so it's very possible he'll clear waivers and be eligible for an August trade. Now you might be asking yourself, "Who the fuck cares?" and I couldn't agree more, except for one thing. You see, not only is Mahay a left-handed reliever with an ERA of 3.86, he's also a career .214 hitter. Looking at his career batting stats and comparing them to Punto's stats from this year paints quite the picture as you can see below...

Mahay

.214 AVG

.696 OPS

Averages 1 home run every 28 AB's.

Averages 1 extra base hit every 7 AB's.

Punto

.208 AVG

.574 OPS

Averages 1 home run every 221 AB's

Averages 1 extra base hit every 28 AB's.

I'd compare Casilla too, but I'm fairly confident he'll be sent to Rochester at some point today so whats the point. The only question now is can the Cabrera/Mahay duo up the middle turn a double play? I've heard it's tough for a left hander to play second, but Feever never had a problem with it so it can't be too tough.

Where To Begin?

First of all, if you've ever seen Whale Wars, this is going to make a whole hell of a lot of sense to you. If not, go watch a couple episodes and come back. From now on, Ron Gardenhire will be referred to as Paul Watson II or just PWII. They look alike, they sound alike, and holy shit are they both worthless at what they do. Paul Watson I is the highly inept "captain" of the whale wars ship and routinely gets confused and scared and hides in his office when decisions need to be made. Pretty much PWII in a nutshell. What a fucking joke. Oh, and when I say "captain", I include the quotes because he calls himself that, but really isn't a captain. Just like we call Gardy the "manager" at times. goofy bastards.

Anyways, moving on. I think I forgot how much I hated Crainwreck when he left for 5 weeks. What a fucking bum. He actually makes me hate Nick the retarded midget a little bit less. Don't get me wrong, I hate him lots, but he only costs the team 3-5 outs per game while Crainwreck more times than not guarantees defeat when he steps on the field. Not shitting, the Twins are 10-18 when he pitches. I checked. And in his 28 games this season, he's allowed at least one run 13 times. Compare that to Nathan (not really fair, but I don't give a shit so blow me) who has allowed a run in only 4 out of the 44 games he's pitched in. Add all that up and you've got an ERA that is once again flirting around eight and what should be a one-way ticket to Japan.

He didn't dissapoint tonight either. Check this shit out:

Batters faced - 4

Hits allowed - 3

Walks allowed - 1

Earned Runs - 3

Outs Recorded - 0

ERA jumped from 6.65 to 7.83

Remember when Ayala was here and was the poster boy for abortion? Yeah his ERA at the time he was placed on waivers was 4.18, almost half of what we're looking at here with this dipshit. Sean Henn was sent packing with a disastrous 7.15 ERA and yet here we are, 2 games back in the division, entering August, and that faggot cock bag Paul Watson II still sends this fucker out there in the 10th inning with one run already in and 2 more runners on. You can't make this shit up. As noted above, he was charged with 3 earned runs. What wasn't mentioned is he also allowed both inherited runners to score. Fucking magnificent.

At this point I'd rather see them add a couple more starters and split the games in half. Starting pitcher #1, your job is to get through 4 innings. If you fail to pitch 4 innings, Dickey or Mijares come in. The fifth inning will be starting pitcher #2's territory. His job is to get through 8. If he fails to do that, you have either of the two pitchers mentioned above or Guerrier for relief. Nathan has the 9th, end of story. No longer do we have to watch Baker throw 4 2/3 hitless innings and leave the game trailing 6-2. Crain is never to be heard from again. I like this. I'll even put together a pitching rotation so PWII doesn't get confused.

Day 1 - Baker and Anthony Slama (4-2 2.72ERA 84K's in 59IP in New Britain)

Day 2 - Blackburn and Armando Gabino (3-2 2.84ERA in Rochester)

Day 3 - Liriano and Swarzak

Day 4 - Slowey and Duensing or Mike Gosling (7-1 3.77ERA in Rochester)

8 Starters and 4 relievers. Duensing looked good as a starter the other day and hopefully just needs to stretch out a bit, if not you have Gosling and it's hard to argue with that win loss record. You could even keep keppel around for emergency relief. As my boy Bubbles would say, fucking decent.